Dear Martin,

I feel I can call you Martin as "Johnno" represents all that was good about you as a player and it doesn't seem right to use that moniker now you are such an esteemed member of Englands rugby elite.

I just wanted to thank you for another successful 6 nations! I say successful as we beat Wales. I know it is normally the right of the celtic nations to base the success of their tournament on just beating one team (namely England of course) but I feel in these changing times that we too can also rank sucess based on one single "performance". Of course we did beat Italy as well and in many ways it was a significant win. Italy beat Scotland who then went on to draw with England. As your captain assured us recently "Scotland are a fantastic team and play some great rugby" - therefore to beat a team that beat them must have been a worthy result Martin?

Continuing the theme of assuming the rights of the Celtic nations we were unlucky against the Irish were we not? I mean that penalty decision against poor Danny!! Other Dannys with far more talent have been relegated to the Saxons for less crimes. I was screaming at the ref but what can you say Martin other than it turned the whole match. Without that decision by the ref those gaping holes that Bowe galloped through would never have existed and after all as your captain re-assured us afterwards "Ireland are a fantastic team and play some great rugby" so I guess it was a pretty good result all things considered?

My favourite match was the French game and to be honest here is where you showed your true colours as a coaching genius! Foden? Inspired choice at full back Martin! What made you think he could do a job there over the in form Armitage? That selection alone is the difference between the greats and the not so greats. To give him the freedom of the park when others are preaching conservatism was a master stroke Martin. Talking of which where did you find that boy Ashton? Wow - talk about pluck a rough diamond from nowhere. What a great debut. OK he needs some experience but when has he had the chance to get that Martin? Presumably he was playing somewhere in the lower divisions until you plucked him from obscurity and gave him his shot.

Of course you are not perfect Martin and there was the selection of HRH Tindall. Now frankly I think everyone could see he was having an absolute shocker. OK he made a shed load of tackles and broke the gain line with some direct straight running but come on! Here again though Martin you showed your class as a coach. Realising that he was having a stinker you pulled him off for an early shower and threw in the powerhouse Tait to sure up the defensive line and strike fear into into the hearts of the French with his dynamic running. Then with a final flourish you brought on the legend that is Johnny to put the final nail in the French coffin........well that is how it would have been had it not been for the ref. Frankly he was awful Martin and thankfully you were on hand to tell him so (once Rafa's mother-in-law had finished with you). It was a proud moment in Elnglish rugby history to see you arguing with the officials after the game. Ironically it reminded me of a certain miopic French football manager.....

Sadly your real captain was not on hand and we had to listen to the positive spin drivel of Moody instead. It comforts me to know though that at home in the South African province of Watford Bothers was saying "France are a fantastic team and play some great rugby".......

Yours

An England Fan

a 'Dear Johnno' letter has a certain ring to it though

Very well penned!

[And in real life, post match, it was a real pleasure to hear two very articulate rugby players (Moody and Foden) talk sense.]

Nice and sarcatic - and right on the money !!
Any ideas who he could play at openside flanker?
I know that Tom Rees was doing a superb job but unfortunately is still injured.
Andy Saull at Saracens looks like a good one, good tackling , scavaging skills and speed - never got a look in -and well coached by the Richard Hill.

Any ideas for coaches as well ?

Cheers Heathen - you've gotta laugh or you'd cry!!

Dear Martin Johnson,

Had you watched Mattew Tait play prior to picking him to star for England in the 13 shirt? Clearly not.

Dear Bob,

Thank you very much for your kind note. I hope you'll pardon my cynicism but when I first read it I wondered if you might be being a touch sarcastic (I don’t know whether you know this but I’ve come under a bit of fire recently), so I put it in front of my coaching team who have subjected it to their very best video analysis. These guys are red hot and if there’s anything to be learned you can be as confident as I am that they will find it (I have to rely on them as I have no experience myself). Anyway, as I expected, they found nothing, so I know your note is genuine.

I’ll let you into a little secret. We knew perfectly well we’d actually do better without Ashton and Foden as they are both loose canons and haven’t done their automaton training at Welford yet. I was absolutely terrified when Foden ran down the wing; it was a stupid thing to do as he could have dropped the ball. I told him afterwards, I said, “Oi Foden, you may have got away with it this time but don’t me ever catch you trying that again!” That told him and of course Johnny W (Wells that is – I like people whose names are Jonny W or something as familiar names make me feel comfortable and cocooned) Anyway, John was barging him in the shoulder as I said it and going, “Nyer, nyer n nyer nyer,” because he liked me telling the little runt off and because he was right pi$$ed off because he’d just done a week’s training with the pack during which he’d consistently reinforced the need for them to keep their heads down. Of course, when that idiot went running down the wing it completely disorientated them and when they stood up they hadn’t a clue where he or the ball was – we were totally and utterly exposed - the pl0nker! That’s no way to win the World Cup!

We got it sorted though ‘cos I put an enforcer on the field. Those idiots in the press thought I put Mike Phillips, no sorry I mean Zara Phillips -no . . .erm . . that’s it Mike Tindall on to get rid of the big French centre bloke. Fools, how niave can you be! I put him there to make sure that none of our guys started thinking for themselves. Once I spotted the ref wasn’t picking anything up I got a message to Mike to put in some nasty little pinches and stuff on anyone in a white shirt who looked like exercising some initiative. It worked so well that I was able to take him off before the end.

So, Bob, as you can so well see, I was very, very clever. Cleverest of all is that nobody except you has spotted just how clever I was so I should be able to develop the team even more soon.

I’ve got some other ideas for the future. First of all I’m thinking that Borthers needs a bit of support as he’s the only decent player in the team except Jonny Wilkinson (See Jonny W again - do you begin to see the point?) so I’m going to alternate him with Ben Kay (I know he isn’t Johnny W but still, don’t forget I’ve also got Johnny Worsley – see Johnny W again so at least I’ve got three of them) Also I’ve cut a deal with the Melbourne Rebels. As you know I’ve already transported Danny Cipriani (See, not Jonny anything – that’s partly why he’s gone) and I’m going to get Courtney Lawes, Joe Simpson and a few others down there too before they start becoming too cock sure of themselves. Now we’re making so much money from our enormous caterpillar stand at Welford – (caterpillar – slow, cumbersome – do you get it?), Leicester will be the only team who will be able to afford to buy them back and then I’ll be able to finish their automaton training.

Some if this is top secret. I’d appreciate it if you’d keep it to yourself.

Best regards from a like minded genius

Yours Martin (Johnno)