Quelle Domage! Just taken a call from the RFU asking for help. They couldn't get hold of our skipper, NicksB, as apparently he is still sleeping it off in the Potting Shed having been banished there by Mem'Sahib after yet another night on the JD.

Apparently Martin Johnson and the whole matchday Squad have contracted a serious case of OomaGoolies Impetigo following a course of French Onion Soup (Foul Play cannot be ruled out...) and are unavailable to fulfil tomorrows fixture against Les Bleus.

As The Real Quins are the only properly organised Team available at such short notice, I have volunteered our services. For Queen and Country men! (Non English players will be given a one match Honorary Citizenship).

I quite fancy a piece of that Basterraud bloke. He looks a right girly with all that curly hair thing going on. I used a French Letter once, so I reckon that qualifies me to duff up the Frenchies, no problem.

Also, that Basterraud looks like he enjoys a Donut or two so I think he might be playing for us when he sees our pre-match and half time refreshments.

Finally, to welcome the Newby, I volunteer QuinWagger to be the high ball catching specialist and general first receiver. No, really, you're welcome!

Are you with us Team?

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Try,Try and Try again....!

You can be sure of it!

I was just training extra hard at the Krispi Kreme donuts stand/gym at Victoria so I can assure you all that I am in excellent shape to smash Dusautoir

I'm ready, willing and unable!

Are we drinking real ale or stealing their Champers?

Zut alors!

I cannot resist a call to the Colours. Now if I can just remember where I put that Dubbin I'll get my boots sorted out.

Best take our own ale into the ground - don't want any of that alcohol free rubbish they serve at the Stade. We'll need something to keep our strength up after the National Anthems!

It's got to be champagne... just like our rugby will be! I'm happy to take over kicking duties if necessary, since we're bound to run in a few tries. As for Bastareaud, go for it Deadly - I'll be right behind you. Actually I'll be fair distance behind you, but I'll be there in spirit...

I think the Game plan for stopping Bastareaud is to hold on tight and close your eyes.

Perhaps we could play a bedside table in midfield, it's sorted him out before!

he could tackle himself all night - that would help!

just give him some JD and jobs a good un!!!!

I would feel a betrayal to my celtic roots by pulling on the English rose and my foot isn't quite up to 80 minutes of rugby (I'd struggle to get through the warm-up. I suspect I mightn't be on my own with that though!!!!)

I will definitely be cheering on the sidelines though!

Cake anyone?

Clare - you are fast becoming the Marie Antoinette of Harlequins!

Let them eat cake, but off with my head?

I've got my ungougable eyes in so I'm happy to play!

La douzaine d'escargots avec du pain francais et un pint d'absinthe and i'll take on the lot of 'em!

Claire_m, you could take the subriquet of "Madame Le Clare(k)", a la 'ello, 'ello and supply the Gateau from the Chateau, with with Pill from the till and the Candle with the handle.

OK, I'll get me coat...

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One of the founder members of the Q-GOMC – and proud of it - Baaaah - if you don't know what it stands for, you're too young!

I'll be my gobby best. Quick ball, slow ball discuss! Oh no crooked feeds!

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QUIN KONG

Can I vote Nicksb takles that gobby blonde hag in front of johnno please?

Sorry, Guys, it's going T I T S up because of me. What was I thinking? A pint of absinthe? I have been comatose since kick off. Thankfully Foden said he's stand in. Stand? I can't even talk.

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One of the founder members of the Q-GOMC – and proud of it - Baaaah - if you don't know what it stands for, you're too young!

And I thought my mother in law was bad!

Sorry but I'm out now for the rest of the season! The blonde hag poked both my eyes with some bizarre two fingered gester, then the screaching popped both my eardrums and finally I was assaulted by an overwhelming garlic smell!

My season done! Where were you Nicksb in my hour of need?
Krispykreme no doubt!

It was a chocolate covered kreme filled donut - sorry amigo, important things first!!!!

Told you I'd sort that @#$%& Basterraud!

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Try,Try and Try again....!

mon dieu! Ou est le crecy/agincourt/waterloo/Trafalgar spirit? Actually I put my rose tinted specs on and thought that despite losing it was Englands best match of the tourney. C'est la guerre mon brave.