Bath Tubs 2010

Many of you will already be familiar with this mystical weekend in Reading every July, but for those of you who aren't let me briefly detail what all the ballyhoo is about; the event, organised by a lovely bunch of London Irish supporters (known as The Flatulent Fairies) and hosted by Reading Abbey RFC, gives the unfit, the untalented and the unsightly the chance to pretend to be rugby players and basically act and dress in a way frowned upon by normal society. It's marvellous.

Originally the tournament was meant as a showcase for the absurd, with the teams (mostly derived from the Sportnetwork forums) focussing on having fun, but in recent years it's been infiltrated by the fit, the able, the talented and the altogether far too serious. Thankfully, the true spirit of the competition does live on in (part of) the Plate competition (also referred to as The @r$e Competition), and the Bath Tubs' reputation, established over years of farting about and achieving nothing, saw us take our rightful place alongside the Fairies, the Leeds Lardies and the auld enemy, the Bristol Pasty-Eaters. The winners of the group would go through to the Plate final.

After arriving throughout Friday afternoon and evening, refusing to read tent-pitching instructions and re-familiarising ourselves with old friends and the Abbey bar, Saturday arrived a little too early thanks to the coffee van operator who decided her generator needed to start warming up at quarter to nothing in the morning (and who then didn't even have the common courtesy to have any bacon for sandwiches - unacceptable).

Unlike previous years when we've had early starts, our first game against the Brizzlers didn't start until after 1pm, by which time everyone's hangovers and camping aches had almost cleared. The Tubs V The Pasty-Eaters is a staple of the Fat Blokes and began in the traditional style with the Brizzlers presenting a glass of cider to the starting teams while they sang ‘Drink Up Ye Cider!' and strummed away on their banjos. The traditions continued to be respected once the ‘action' got underway, with Bristol's gloriously casual defence allowing the Tubs to run in a series of tries. The most committed defender on the pitch ended up being the 15 year old referee (it's nice he's keeping himself busy during the holidays), who chased down a number of the Tubs, getting a piggy-back from Robbinho, a stiff hand-off from Redneck (which saw Redneck sin-binned - this was to become a common sight), and even bringing down and injuring Scottish_34, ruling him out of the rest of the tournament. With a fresh team in the second half, the game continued in a similar vein, with the final result: Bath Tubs - A lot, Bristol Pasty-Eaters - Not much.


After a lengthy break, the Tubs next faced the Leeds Lardies. The game started competitively, with the teams trading tries and the Tubs lead at half-time. The second half picked up where the first left off, but Leeds, quickly realising that progressing to the final would cut into valuable drinking time later in the evening, took their foot off the pedal. The Tubs, foolishly, capitalised, and ended up winning 31-17. Oh, and Redneck got sin-binned.


The final pool game saw the Tubs play the tournament's home team, the Fairies. In an even, if surprisingly niggley game, the Fairies ran out 29-19 winners, resulting in confusion as to who would have to progress to the final. Amid lots of ‘honestly, I think you guys won the group you should go through'/‘No, I insist, you definitely won' it was established that the fate of the group relied on the winners of the Lardies V Briz game. If Leeds won and scored four tries it would be the Yorkshiremen, and not the Tubs, who went through to play the Worcester Wobblers. Oh, and Redneck got sin-binned.


The final group game began, with the Tubs very interested spectators. It had been a long day, and with the words of ken-jnr ringing in our ears (‘Success is not an option'), we were cheering for Leeds to do the decent thing, trot in a few tries against the Brizzlers and let the Tubs respectfully exit the competition. But the Lardies had other ideas. After running in their first try, Leeds inexplicably let Bristol have the ball and space. Sensing something wasn't right, the Tubs gallantly took to the field to help Leeds (and, if we're honest, to hinder Briz). And then something terrible happened: in a sickeningly display of betrayal not seen since Benedict Arnold, the Lardies turned on the helpful, heroic Tubs and sided with the dastardly Pasty-Eaters. What ensued was a handicap match pitting the noble Tubs (playing the part of Leeds) against the Lardies/Briz axis of evil (playing the part of the Pasty-Eaters). With Leeds/Bath still needing four tries and a win, Briz/Leeds employed their own unique brand of skulduggery, shaming themselves, the clubs they love and the children that look to them for guidance, by thwarting the Tubs' philanthropy. This act of defiance and disrespect will not soon be forgotten.

In a sad, sad moment for the game of rugby, the Bath Tubs were in the final.

The final against the once fun-loving Wuss team, who in recent years seem to have lost their way amid training sessions, coaching, laminated tactics and really just missing the point, would bring the curtain down on the tournament. As such, the Tubs agreed to do something they had not done before and, we can only hope, will not do again: they tried. This seemingly came as big of a surprise to the Wobblers as it did to us, and after conceding an early try, the Tubs fought back to lead 12-7 at half-time. With playing numbers dwindling due to injuries picked up throughout the day, and with Redneck getting bored of collecting yellow cards and electing to get a straight red, the Tubs faded in the second half, but remained in contention at 19-17 down with the clock running out. Alas, as the Tubs looked to become unlikely winners, the ball was turned over and Wuss ran the ball back and scored for an unconverted try. The final score: Bath Tubs 17, Worcester Wobblers 24.

With the rugby thankfully out of the way, attention could then turn to Saturday evening's Space-themed fancy dress festivities, where the Tubs truly came into their own. Exact details will be withheld to protect those involved, but needless to say, if it was ever your ambition to share a drink with Buzz Lightyear, Darth Vader, a Storm Trooper, an astronaut and Holly from Red Dwarf, you'll be extremely sorry you missed out.

Thanks to everyone who came along, whether you played or lent your support. It was another enjoyable, irreverent, nonsensical, tiring, glorious weekend. Through the sale of the Belly Buster shirts and mugs we raised almost £400 for the Tiny Lives neo-natal charity, so good work all around.

Roll on Fat Blokes 2011!

 

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