It's tense on the gate given recent events but at least one steward tries to keep spirits up with a passable Les Dawson reportoire

 Stretcher and medical assets are checked for authenticity as Clipboard Mans' attention is drawn behind him

 Mrs Westren almosts chokes on her butty as hubby Phil is invited to lead the pre match community singing

 A Quins hanger on gamely tries to rescue the situation as he carries the playlist up into his eerie for the young to feed on

 To no avail. Sarah from admin is enthusiastically dishing out the hymn sheets to allcomers whence she comes across a vision to behold

 Rod though is preoccupied with honing the lead male look from a certain type of 70's film genre

 A thoughtful Wigston wonders whether Rod'd be better off lining up in a Village People tribute band he's putting together. Real men after all hang their ships wheel from their lughole while in port

 What the...? It's OK son he must be leaking oil or some other such fluid

 Raynesy begins a season long forfeit as 'reward' for his countrymen losing the Ashes

 The match is now underway but for one official an unexpected and inconvenient call of nature looms

 Ice races for the line oblivious to Monyes cunning herding techniques towards a hidden danger...

 ....! The blaghards! A divet has been made and our hero is heading straight for it!

 Made of sterner stuff though, Ice swatted off allcomers, overcame that vast chasm of a trench and dotted down with aplomb. Bentley checks out the crime scene.

 Prof promises an immediate investigation with severe justice for the culprits

 Guilty looking reprobates check for the nearest exits

 Building work on the new south stand has to press on though as the site foreman checks on progress.

 Unhappy that their mandatory 3 hour tea break has been cut short by nearly 45 seconds, builders and other tradesmen return to their tasks

 Luke's shift is now done and his thoughts are disturbed by a noise in the crowd

 Rudi adjusts his seating position which creates it's own problem for his neighbours to his immediate right. The aroma has already affected the row behind. DJ Pirate however carries on with his pre-season diet plan regardless. 

 Happily this infant Quin has been provided with adequate ear protection by a chuffed dad and is really enjoying the toy

 The owners of which look pretty fed up about, not least because their knuckles will come in for some extra stick as they trail along the ground on the way home

 Uncle Mark (Lambert)'s attempt to cheer them up by starting a Mexican Wave fails miserably too. Succeeding only in his far more grown up team-mates pouring scorn on him

 Alan! Alan-n-n! Alan! Alan-n-n! Paves' attention is finally caught

 Laurie & Matt try to dissuade Alan from a potential fashion disaster later on

 With Steve acting as unofficial censor, Chris keeps chat with that man Straughn simple as he discusses the on pitch photoshoot for Kays

 Harvey though is hamming it up making the most of his first major fashion gig

 The man behind the lens though is an imposter up in town for the day to celebrate his birthday. What's more the camera isn't even his!

 Mark 'I haven't got a vest on-can you tell?' Ireland rushes in to save the lady's honour, and retrieve her camera.

 Woopert from Newbwry runs sobbing into the arms of a passing floozie

 A paramedic uses revolutionary new methods to treat an injury to Richards wrist. Quite how this knock came about remains unknown, but wise old head Scott has his suspicions

 Tani can't wait to add to his autograph collection

 Chris breathes a sigh of relief as Jackson's gag about Lisa Minelli's 'ex' passes over the mysterious interloper

 Paul O'Connell's best mate starts to think she's been collecting the wrong material. A helpful steward suggests she jettison the contents of the bucket

 Her choice is so wrong

 Alan though would not be deterred, insisting that satchels are cool

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