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"Rugbygate"

Crisis torn Quins were rocked by further allegations of misconduct over weekend. There are unconfirmed reports that more than 30 men played a game of so called "rugby" in front of about fifteen hundred people, who enjoyed an afternoon drinking beer in the sunshine and bantering with opposition "fans". An outraged spokesman for the RFU commented: "This is not what we expect of our members. It is the job of Harlequins Football Club to provide us with the subject matter of investigations and committees, and in turn to keep lawyers in gainful employment, provide the press with as much material as they can print on disciplinary hearings, witness statements and to generally act as scapegoats for every perceived ill in 21st century society. Playing rugby is a flagrant attempt to force attention onto this so called "sport" and divert attention from Harlequins' failure to redeem the world from all forms of cheating. The matter will of course be referred to highest authority in the land Rupert Murdoch, and if he's on holiday we'll ask the Telegraph's sports editor what we should do next. The last thing we want is for the game to become popular - my God there will be organised leagues next."

It is believed that the RFU is already assembling a task force to investigate the so called "Rugbygate" scandal and it will comprise wholly independent and respected figures whose integrity in the game is beyond reproach, oh and Jeremy Guscott too The task force will be headed by Neil Back and feature Paul Wallis, the Prince of Darkness, Shaun Edwards, Vlad the Impaler, Tana Umaga, Count Dracula, Count Basie [Ed – that's enough Counts!], Pol Pot, Jeff Probyn [Ed – hang on, I thought Pol Pot and Jeff Probyn were one and the same], Trevor Brennan (phew - no relation!!), Schalk Burger and anyone else over the age of 18 in Ireland who is not already on an ERC committee [Ed – so that's about five people in Offaly then?].

The task force is charged with providing an urgent and immediate written report by March 2010, which the main RFU committee will then consider, but if it clashes with Easter [Ed – is that Nick or the festival?] then the findings will be held over until post the summer break. We can expect the lid to be blown off the club by……….maybe September 2010 it that's all right with the ERC of course.

The IRB, issuing a statement from its summer AGM in Salem, Massachussets denied that there was any witch hunt and its US spokesman, Joe Macarthy said: "Until that SOB Evans fesses right up, he's going in the RFU ducking stool". [Ed - it is believed that the RFU ducking stool was last used in an abortive attempt to get Brian Ashton to resign following his derisory effort of getting England to second place in the World Cup.]

Media reaction to the latest outrage from the cheating City slickers was swift and unanimous in its condemnation of the club. A well placed source, actually it was Peter Bile and just about any other journalist who's developed a sudden and inexplicable interest in the club, said: "This one will run and run…….well at least until we get a photo of Cipriani going out with some bird who's not Kelly Brook, or until Gavin Henson decks some bloke in a pub. Either way there will be more resignations [Ed – I'm resigned to more of this bollocks until the last transcript is published]." As you read this the broad sheets go into their third consecutive week of "Bloodgate – Exclusive Pull Out Supplements" where you can exclusively read the same conjecture as in every other paper and but in a slightly different form every day. Brian Moore was swift to come to the aid of former Quins' Supremo Dean Richards: "You can't pin this one on my mate, Deano. He's had nothing to do with rugby, ever, and I'll be saying as much in my next column in the Telegraph, but only when we've freed up some spare column inches from our exclusive in depth probes into the size of Tom Williams' mortgage".

It's surely no coincidence that Harlequins' CEO Mark "Teflon" Evans was apparently "on holiday" in Transylvania [Ed – surely France?] but he found time to defuse this latest scandal saying: "I've pulled a few flankers in my time [Ed – speak for yourself mate!], but I left the club in charge of that old folk group, The Kingston Trio, so sod off and bother them. However, on the basis that I am now fully responsible for every shortcoming in professional sport I will, to draw a line under this episode, disembowel myself live on Sky Sports News in front of an invited audience of canonised journalists using the "Aitken Sword of Truth" and my ashes can be sprinkled on the turf of Twickenham". It's believed that the use of Mark Evans' ashes is not symbolic but it's just that since paying Rob Andrew's salary the RFU can't afford fertiliser or top dressing for the pitch any more.

At the time of going to press it is believed that as many as 11 other clubs may be dabbling in "rugby", but don't worry, no one in the press will give it any attention.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2009:09:02:08:03:28 by gregory p.

Brilliant.
I now know the truth of it all.

Golly

It's all umop apisdn.

I liked this!

I disagree with the bit about "sunshine". there's been a sad lack of it this summer. Maybe we fixed that too? Now there's a thought for the ERC. Maybe we're also responsible for all the rain in Dublin which is why they are suffering from a bad case of SAD.

Brilliant, great post!!

Nice one g p. Absolute class. I'll now head off to the LDH with a smile on my face - via the Albert, the Blucher and the patch of course !

g p are you a writer perchance? You could be! Great post.

I thought we were supposed to be the spacegoats in the whole affair?

Quote:

Squirrel Nutquin
g p are you a writer perchance? You could be! Great post.

Clearly not the sports writer for the Telegraph or Mail, far too factual.

Legally drinking ale since 1986 & moaning like a good un with Q-GOMC since 2010.

fantastic post and a good read!

Well said.

I wonder if the journo's read this?

Great stuff, gp. You have put it all into perspective.

Nothing on Sky Sports News about this today... shock horror!!!

This is hilarious!

Gold!

It's up as a story now, it was too good to have lost in the other threads

Cheers gregory p

A well deserved "elevation" to full story status Prof...

ERC: pick the bones out of this one!!!

Heartfelt, g p, heartfelt!

I'm surprised Squeaky has managed to keep his head out of this one...

===================================================
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein

classic

Superb! GP if you are in the Albany before our first home game a pints on me!

QUIN KONG

fine article indeed and just the tonic we all need (even those of us non Quinns supporters).

And, to add to AlecW's offer - I'll add a (small!) box of AG to the first Quinns supporters who drop in to see us at our North Car Park Coach party on Saturday. Cheers all..

Thank God, something to laugh about.

Hey Obi: I've been laughing at the ERC for weeks!!!

I can see why. If they protracted this any longer they'd form a vital part of a school geometry set!

You know who the winners are in all of this? Lawyers and Journalists. Two of the fluffiest and most trustworthy professions in the world! If only there were a way for Estate Agents to get a slice too.

Disgraced Harlequins suffered a new blow today with the revelation that their Board of Directors had 'done nothing wrong'.

Despite rumaging through almost 100 pages of mind numbing testimony for over two weeks, the ERC were unable to come up with any reason to expell the Club from this season's Heineken Cup.

It is also a big blow to the ERC who, in looking to build an image and reputation, were hoping to be the first sports body to dis-embowel an administrator live on television.

One RFU official, who asked not to be named, was clearly shocked. "This could be the end of Rugbygate as we know it," he sighed as he received the email cancelling his first class flight to Dublin for 'further talks'.

The family of Albert Pierrepoint could not be reached for comment.