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Saracens vs Harlequins or The Goode, the Brad and the Uglies


By gregory p
April 18 2016

Looking at the message board in the run up to the game, opinion is pretty evenly split about it. On the one hand there are those of us who become a cross between a GOM and the editor of the Daily Mail:  we think Wembley is the armpit of north London, and there’s some serious competition for that award; it has fewer bars than Riyadh and those it does have as much security as the Wetherspoons branch in Kabul – incidentally, it’s not trading as well as they’d hoped; it’s easier to find the magnetic north pole than it is to get to Wembley by public transport – can they just not relocate the place to somewhere near the junction of the M25 and the M3 please?   

The stadium is an atmosphere-free, fetid hell hole of a roundball enormo-dome that has the architectural merit of a municipal bus station circa 1963 and the charm of a budget hotel.  Sarries give away tickets so that it is full of singers, people on freebies and the great incontinent none of whom understand or are interested in the game [Ed: a bit like the BBC’s Six Nations production team then?]

The beer is over priced euro-filth – do Latvian builders urinate the stuff to order? – and the food prices make the Fat Duck look like a soup kitchen; the razzamatazz is seriously overdone  – have they dug up Liberace and got him to over-produce it? To cap it all we regularly get a bigger thumping than Anthony Joshua’s punch bag and someone from the Quins squad will go lame in the warm up [Ed: that’s not such a bad move is it?]

And the Sarries fans? Let’s just say that the UN has now put relations between the two sets of fans on Sport Network as potentially more explosive than the West Bank.  What’s not to like?  Frankly, the game bears as much resemblance to a club rugby match as Donald Trump does to a world leader in waiting. 

And the rest of us? Now, we really don’t like the game. Those of you with long memories [Ed: that’s not many, mate, they’re either past it or on drugs] will recollect from my report last year that I don’t in fact mind the game.  I can see what Sarries are trying to achieve here.  I’d like it even more if we could just nick a win from the damned thing.  This year we fronted up well but a 22-12 score in favour of a Brad-less Sarries reflected the possession, try count and territorial dominance that a sharp if careless Sarries side enjoyed.  Quins performance almost reflected our national ambivalence about the EU: we were never quite sure about being in it and surprisingly – until Farrell nailed a penalty in the 72nd minute to put Sarries two scores ahead – never quite out of it either.

On a day that started out as cold as a blonde’s heart, by kick off time when the dry ice, firework smoke and celestial music – I’m not joking – died down and, oh about 50% of the crowd were removed from the pitch, we kicked off at the TV friendly time of 3.15pm in bright sunshine.  Four minutes of box kicking practice came to an end when Quins demolished a Sarries scrum and, on the limit of his range, BB smacked over a penalty for 0-3.  Our scrum was a constant source of penalties all afternoon so credit to the plug uglies in the front row – the score could have been quite a bit more painful had they not dominated the set scrum. 

On a day that started out as cold as a blonde’s heart, by kick off time when the dry ice, firework smoke and celestial music – I’m not joking – died down and, oh about 50% of the crowd were removed from the pitch, we kicked off at the TV friendly time of 3.15pm in bright sunshine.  Four minutes of box kicking practice came to an end when Quins demolished a Sarries scrum and, on the limit of his range, BB smacked over a penalty for 0-3.  Our scrum was a constant source of penalties all afternoon so credit to the plug uglies in the front row – the score could have been quite a bit more painful had they not dominated the set scrum. 

For Sarries, Brits and Mako Vunipola had ineffective games and the resulting penalties and free kicks helped us keep in touch with Sarries.  Quins returned the compliment to Sarries by offending at each maul in the first 10 minutes.  Charlie Hodgson, starting ahead of Farrell, put a related penalty into the corner.  Sarries surprised us by not rolling it and from quick ball asked lots of questions of the Quins defence.  The speed of recycling and hands from Sarries were good and they engineered the space for Chris Ashton – looking for work on the wrong wing – to slide in.  He’s got a great instinct for a score, whatever you may think of the guy.  Charlie H missed the extras so 5-3 it was. 

Quins from the restart built what – with hindsight – seemed to be their only period of any time and pressure in the Sarries 22.  There was quick ball and Danny either darted or fizzed out quick passes.  A grubber – from BB? – almost saw Visser through after collecting a bounce as neat as J Lo’s bum.  He did though collect an accidental bang on the head and sadly sat out the rest of the game. Greg Garner called it back for a penalty from close to the posts and BB obliged to nudge us back in front at 5-6 with 17 minutes gone.

Sarries then dominated the next 15 minutes or so.  We couldn’t get out of our half and Plan A was Danny box kicking it to Billy V, us frantically defending and Sarries then conceding a daft penalty or knocking on to get us out of jail.  Plan B was Chis, Visser’s replacement, putting in duff clearance kicks.  It didn’t help us that Joe Gray stuffed up three line outs in a row. Just handing the ball back to Sarries – with JCB-illy Vunipola finding his range – was an accident waiting to happen. The accident followed not long after Charlie Hodgson hoisted an up and under higher than Sarries’ legal bills (allegedly).  It led to some serious confusion defensively and a penalty which Sarries popped into the corner.  

Remarkably a combination of Matthews and Robshaw burgled the line out but we just couldn’t apply boot to ball cleanly to clear our lines.  DC was caught in possession of stolen goods by PC Kruis, who collared him and the ball over the line for an opportunist   “nick”.     In   boxing   terms   it   was   a   heavyweight   against   a bantamweight. Just how many times will George mention that to Danny this summer in Australia?  Hodgson added the conversion to make it 12-6 with just over 30 gone.

A quick reply was needed and it came from a penalty for Sarries not rolling away. Incidentally, I thought Greg Garner looked clear and consistent at the break down all day.  Bot the Slot found the spot and at 32 minutes in we were down only 12-9. Yet, we followed it up with yet more déjà-vu rugby.  DC box kicks.  BV kicks ass. Brownie in fact pulled off one heroic stop on BV when he was thundering at full speed [Ed: that’s about 15 mph tops then?] Only BV’s forward off load from the tackle kept another 5 off the score sheet.   It wasn’t long in coming though: another clearance kick – this time finding the rapier of Alex Goode in contrast to Big Bill’s broadsword [Ed: has this report just turned into a bad Carry On script?]          

Goode span it inside to Hodgson who then put in the pass of the day to Bosch – long, fast, effortless and inviting him to run on to it at pace.  Bosch hypnotised the cover who seemed to stand off him.  When the defenders finally committed Bosch had generated the space for Ashton to fly in on the wrong wing yet again. Ignoring the hideous Ash the Splash moment – Eddie: can you have a word about that please – it was the best rugby of the game by miles and a very well constructed counter attack.  Hodgson added the extras and at 39½ minutes gone that should have been that for the half.  In fact we ballsed up the restart and Wiles nearly ran in for a soft score: only a favourable bounce and Chis making a nuisance of himself saw us to half time in a deserved second place at 19-9. 

The second half saw a brighter start for Quins.  Brownie began to make some dents, the scrum continued to generate penalties and finally Sarries were done for not releasing in their half.  Bott did his stuff from range to make it 19-12 with 35 still to play.  It began to get very interesting for Quins when Danny intercepted in midfield, following the restart, and kicked ahead before he was scragged.  Chis was winning the foot race with Goode to a rolling ball when he kicked ahead.  The vagaries of the oval ball took it towards Goode rather than away from him and Goode gratefully cleaned up the mess.

Sarries then changed their entire front row but it made no difference as another scrum penalty to Quins followed with a lecture from Greg Garner to Sarries about the repeated infringements.  It didn’t change the shape of the game with Quins being reliant on kick tennis to get out of our half and generally failing.  Our tactic last year was to hoof in the general direction of Sudbury.  We tried it again with the back three looking at each other and saying ....”shall we chase it?....Nah mate, let’s wait for a 182 bus heading west down Wembley High Road”.  It gave Alex Goode the chance to show off some sinuous running that continually put us on the back foot again. 

The subs came and went – Wigglesworth for Mordt, Dixon for Danny.  We finally rolled a maul at 50 odd minutes into the game – until then we’d not looked like rolling pastry.   That’s credit to Sarries eight.   Sarries continued to dominate possession and territory.  Quins efforts were of the long range variety – Yarde found some space but he was starting well in his own half – a bit like a footy team being reduced to long range shots.  Marchant chased a Yarde kick through that found touch before he got to it. We shuffled the pack a little: Luamanu for Clifford and Ward and Sinckler (one lump or two, sir?) for Gray and Collier, but we were still seriously short of trumps as Sarries speed and tenacity kept us well away from their red zone.  In turn we didn’t buckle and Sarries didn’t look like scoring against us.  From where I was sat much credit has to go to Robshaw. All around me there were Trojans shaking their heads in disbelief at his workload.  He really put heart and body into that second half and I hope Eddie Jones saw that.

And yet despite making less use of the Sarries half than Foxes the warm up band, we were still in it at only 7 points off Sarries score.  I had the odd thought that we could nick this – an interception or bad decision from the men in black – but optimism is a bit of a sod like that.  Some teams may have got nervous, but Sarries kept cool and kept working hard and fast.  Finally Matt Luamanu’s hands in the ruck gave Sarries a penalty chance.  Owen Farrell on for a still very sharp Charlie Hodgson (marking his 250th  Premiership game) nailed the three and killed the contest and our hopes of a bonus point.

We did in fact get a final shot at clawing back a bonus point following good ground being made by Joe Marchant – again starting somewhere near Hendon rather than in the Sarries half.  As the clock went red BB lined up a long shot (not the longest he’d hit on the day) but it was a tired left leg that left it short and as wonky as Mike Tindall’s nose. It was time for hand shakes and protein shakes.  It was business as usual for a smart Sarries side and another blank for a jaded looking Quins side.  Goode was made man of the match – probably a fair shout – but Robshaw was again, in my view, staggeringly committed to a losing cause.

I’ve now done this game two years in a row – my only motivation is that DOK has told me that I’m automatically eligible for a “humanitarian award” if I do three on the bounce.  I get the feeling that I could re-use this report next year with only a few name and score changes. 

 

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Saracens vs Harlequins or The Goode, the Brad and the Uglies
Discussion started by ComeAllWithin.co.uk , 18/04/2016 21:20
ComeAllWithin.co.uk
18/04/2016 21:20
What do you think? You can have your say by posting below.
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InsertQuinsPunHere
19/04/2016 09:33
JCB-illy - love it.

Great report, thank you. I do enjoy your ceaseless similes and metaphors.

gregory p
19/04/2016 09:41
In the interests of some accuracy - always helpful in a match report - it was Brits to his credit who created the space for Sarries third try, not Bosch. That was some off load to Ashton. I saw the highlights on TV last night and I also think Dave Ward may have given away the last penalty rather than Matt L.

FWIW I share the scepticism of some posters about the 80K attendance - there seemed to be more empty seats up top than full ones. That said, Sarries really do work hard on the game and the numbers of junior clubs on a day out was impressive.

JJQuin
19/04/2016 12:04
Thanks GP - enjoyed the report more than the game!

ChiddQuin
19/04/2016 12:36
Quote:
JJQuin
Thanks GP - enjoyed the report more than the game!

+1

Closer & Closer
19/04/2016 13:46
sorry pedant alert.....Dont remember Mordt playing scrum half.

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