This is the story of our building project.

When we set out on this adventure, we naively thought our builders would simply knock down the old conservatory and put a new structure in its place, then roof it, glaze and paint it. Boy! Were we in for a surprise! The experience has been more like a mad scramble through time. First, Jason and Terry, so ably interrupted by Tony, uncovered a late 19th century cess pit, which caused no end of discussion, scratching of chins and resting on shovels. Happily, there was no sign of any cess, 19th century or otherwise. No doubt emboldened by their discovery, and keen to demonstrate their artistic flair, they then recreated a small part of the Somme in the back garden. There were trenches everywhere, and I do mean everywhere! During the re-enactment of World War 1, a small spoon was unearthed. It was concluded by the experts, Jason and Terry, as being either late Victorian or early British Rail, but I rather doubted their assessment as Addis hadn’t invented plastic yet. Shortly afterwards, Tony uncovered what he reckoned was a wonderful example of a prehistoric, possibly antediluvian, fire-lighting implement but was crestfallen when I pointed out I’d just dropped my box of matches.

Next, a lorry load of something that the Romans had invented was delivered and shovelled into the trenches. Now, having been on many building sites before, a small detail seems to have escaped me on this subject. It appears that a fundamental part of getting concrete to set is to drink tea at it. Oh, and stare at it. It’s funny how subtle little tricks of the trade like that just pass you by. Our resident archaeologist, or building inspector as he preferred to be called, flitted in, but didn’t seem interested in the plastic spoon or the matches and so went away again.
[At this stage, I was beginning to think our target of all-things-modern had been lost, or at best mislaid, in translation. However, we pressed on, in fading hope.]

Then came a supply of fired earth, the like of which have been in use for some 9000 years. Apparently, Jericho was built using this material and I was extremely grateful that, amongst our time team, there was no Joshua! In compliance with the latest Health and Safety regulation, this fired earth came in easily-handled bricks with no sharp edges or hazardous content.
A load of conveniently-shaped trees next arrived, which young Fred carefully persuaded into the shape of a roof, which was then covered with more fired earth products. I was of course aware that trees have been around for billions of years, although it must have taken a while to teach them to grow like planks.
More age old skills were then employed to plaster the walls inside and out. John and Harold, or Wattle and Daub as we soon learned to call them, did the necessary here although, perhaps as a nod to progress made in this area in the last 6000 years, I did notice a lack of horse manure and straw in the materials they used, for which my olfactory senses were truly grateful.

“What happened to the modern theme?” I asked of no-one in particular in a desperate attempt to get back onto our original aim.

Painting walls has been around for at least 32,000 years and Roger, who has not been around quite that long and so had not fully mastered the art of painting in caves, set to and covered everything that wasn’t moving. Actually, that’s not quite true. He did paint something that was moving, but young Fred forgave him eventually.

Now we were on to tiling the floors. Here’s my chance at last to slip something modern into the extension, or so I thought. But wouldn’t you know it! Even floor tiles – more fired earth - have been around for 4000 years! As if that wasn’t enough of a disappointment to me, Dave the tiler, or Watt to his friends, set to and stuck them down in a Roman pattern!

It was beginning to occur to me that, with all this old stuff going up around me, we might as well go the whole hog and light the place with rushes dipped in tallow! But Ronaldo the electrician came to our rescue. Or did he? It transpires that lamps were invented some 70,000 years ago and even the electric light bulb dates back 200 years!

I thought I’d be on safe ground with the plumbing, but no! Some 5,000 years ago, the Bronze Age settlements in the Indus Valley invented plumbing pipes. Jim, who had a plan, and Paul set to and installed the central heating, a feature pioneered by – guess who – the perishing Romans!

So there you have it. A 21st century building, and one that we are absolutely delighted with, made up of stuff from a billion years ago, materials and techniques dating back variously some 5,000 years to 70,000 years , more Roman stuff than you can shake a stick at and a few light bulbs!

It will come as no surprise to learn that the building company we employed was founded in 1803! Didn’t stand a chance, did we!

[Our grateful thanks to the Billinghurst Time Team who took us on a most unexpected trip back through the ages.

Members of the Cast

Matthew the deliverer of wildly optimistic bills
Paul the fashioner of Neolithic arrowheads
Caroline without whom nothing is possible
Peter the bringer of bits and the taker of notes
Jason the centurion with special responsibility for the kettle
Terry the assistant boiler of kettles
Tony the best boy
young Fred the shaper of trees
Roger the teller of football anecdotes
Dave Watt the tiler and the solver of Roman pattern puzzles

Also appearing were :

John and Harold the wattle and daubers
Ron and Gareth the knitters of electric string
Paul and Jim the piper and the man with a plan
and
The Building Inspector Can't remember what he did

View a Printer Friendly version of this Story.

Bookmark or share this story with:

• Digg
• Delicious
• Facebook
• Reddit
• Stumbleupon