Falcons in a ditch!
By Monkey1
January 19 2018

  Shocking news from our valiant Falcons as they try to negotiate their way through foreign lands full of foreign people, to play a thoroughly decent and thoroughly British game of respectably violent sport with a funny shaped ball. Those who are familiar with novels about the Cold War years will recognise this for what it is, nothing more than yet another attempt by Vladimir Putin to disrupt honest British people, going peacefully about their own business.  

I was talking to Mick Hogan last week, and they were concerned about this sort of attempt to sabotage the game, which would allow Ensei to walk away with 5 uncontested points. They had made preparations for just this sort of mischief, and had vetted the bus company, thinking it safe to use a company from Istanbul who employ local drivers. This morning however, the usual driver was unexpectedly struck down with a sudden dose of the trots, polonium poisoning, and unexplained gunshot wounds. The replacement driver who was rushed in turned out to be none other than the notorious Busput Inaditch, thought to be responsible for the train that was held up by a herd of cows, almost causing Quins to miss their game in Kiev two years ago, and the Chicken Flu quarantine scare that successfully kept the Perpignan team confined to their plane, thus forfeiting their game in Krasnoyarsk.


The attempt to keep Newcastle Falcons away from their game in Tbilisi backfired however, as pushing a large bus out of a ditch has been routine training for the Falcons forwards, having replaced the old fashioned scrum machine some time ago. The forwards coaching team were concerned that the power of our pack could be compromised by the lack of a local gym with bus/ditch facilities, but thankfully they were able to get in a good training session this morning and are back to full fitness.


It is still a long way to Tbilisi, so do not be surprised if the replacement bus suffers unexpected breakdowns, punctures, or is secured in a compound for security reasons. Deano & the coaches are preparing for all eventualities however, with the entire squad reading through John Le-Carre novels, noting down ways to foil obscure Russian plots. With a stiff upper lip and some stereotyping of foreigners, they expect to counter anything that may occur. We can only wish them well with their endeavours.


Come on Falcons!