Quins are a bit short of panto villains compared to the likes of Wasps, but there’s always that nice Mr Pearson as the Widow Twankey – “he’s behind you – if you were looking in the right direction, you’d have seen he was offside”.

If you believe Deano, it’s all over season of goodwill-wise in the Tigers camp, with discontent at rotation and general coach-player friction. Well, he’d know all about that, har har har. But the Chutes comments are on the money, for my money: this is a must-win, if we’re to stay properly in touch with the top four. And Quins have picked what must be about their strongest line-up, so we’ll have to perform well to get something out of this one. The Tigers squad looks good, nice mix of pace and power, but the third different starting combination at 9 and 10 in as many matches – let’s hope it clicks. Think back to last year to calm the nerves… Geordan getting clattered by Monye, Burkey having a mare … perhaps better the time before that, in the South Stand in the lashing rain, ball like a bar of soap, battle of the boot… or perhaps I’ll just work on being nervous.

Right. Boys suitably attired in retro Deano-era shirts, tiger-head hats and Geezer Junior I’s lovingly hand-painted giant yellow foam hand; tickets, cash, camera with voice memo thingy, hipflask – check. Oh, and Geezer Junior II’s horn. Toot frickin’ toot. Still, it’ll probably annoy the home fans, so it’s not all bad. Toot!

Agitation

And so to the Stoop. Some decent liquid refreshment (this cask ale at rugby grounds thing might just catch on), and a pitchside loiter to watch the Tigers warming up. Goodey doing his aiming at the post from the try line thing, and hitting it a decent number of times. This looks good. Tom Varndell doing defensive work on Backy with the tackle bags, and shoving him back yards. This looks very good. Nice-looking pick-and-pass drill with Laussucq and Ben Youngs – what, no Frank? And isn’t that Erinle warming up over there; and Dave Young? Where’s Hipkiss? Some late changes here I missed? Oo-er. Nerves, nerves. Time to take up seats. Team announcements – definitely no Dan and Frank, and Chutes demoted to bench. Was Deano right? Nerves. And what a nervous start – Quins play south to north so Tigers get the sun in their eyes for the first fifteen, and it doesn’t look good. Scrappy dealing with the kick-off puts Tigers under immediate pressure, and eventual clearance didn’t make much yardage. Next thing we know, Gomarsall hoists up a vast box kick, Tigers unfathomably let it bounce, and it bounces badly with Quins backrow chasing up, and but for the pass to the wing going astray, they could have been in. Tigers are trying to get the ball moving, and look reasonably threatening when they do, but basic execution is letting them down. A knock-on in a promising position gives back possession to Quins, who use it to press forward down the right, and a chip forward has Croft having to win the race with Robshaw to touch down. Phew. But not phew, Twankey has called them back for something I missed with the one eye, and there is a penalty, not an easy one, but the Much Maligned Malone pops it over. Bum. It’s double bum about five minutes later following a charge off the back of the scrum by Hala’ufia when Tigers offend bang in front of the posts and the maligned one makes it 6-0. Can’t see why the Quins fans behind me are muttering about him.

Amelioration

All in all a pretty forgettable first quarter; but Tigers are keeping the ball alive better now, some decent offloads going on, and I can see Mauger running some nice lines. Quins’ lineout is ropey, so the Geezer prescription is for a bit of catch and drive, and the opportunity comes pretty soon as Quins are penalised 40 metres or so out. But Goodey goes for the posts: he hoofs it high, and it’s coming down short, aaaagggghhh, no – it’s got the legs, by about a foot. Oh me of little faith: 6-3. Tigers are starting to put it together now, and getting over the gain line pretty regularly. On about the half-hour, some terrific yards by Ollie Smith, all pumping legs and determination, Tigers keep the ball alive, and Goodey shapes for a cross-field kick. The first one resulted in the catching Quins defender being clattered in the air and Tigers perhaps lucky not to have a man in the bin, but this one is perfection, beautifully weighted off the outside of the boot for Varndell to scoop up and under the posts. Toot! No lack of legs for the conversion, as Goodey puts it over the stand and presumably right out of the ground. And there’s a second, as Varndell scoops up close to the touchline, flips to Crofty who is perfectly placed in support, and it’s – called back for a knock-on. Have to say this was right under the Geezer clan’s noses, and we are agreed that our three eyes all put together didn’t see a knock-on. But Quins have got to chase it, and Tigers look much more capable of capitalising, with Mauger now everywhere. Quins give it a go, but there’s an offside at a dangerous-looking ruck, and the chance is gone, so Tigers go in 10-6 up.

Acceleration

Straight from the restart, a poor clearance from Quins is taken by Geordan Murphy, who strokes over a beautiful drop goal. It just looks so lazy and casual when he does it like that – pure class. Toot! Now Quins will really have to chase it, and they’re getting a bit scrappy, giving away a penalty only a couple of minutes later. It’s over on the right touchline and has to be 45 metres out, but it sails over. Toot again!

Now it’s Tigers pressure, and a Quins clearance bobbles into the Tigers half, and Corry does the full-back work, and takes it up, lovely pass to Johne Murphy, to Smith, back to Corry, who angles for the corner, can he make it, he’s drawn the defence and a lovely pass puts Crofty clear. Hoo hoo! I’ll have that horn – toot toot tooty toot, tooty toot toot – TIGERS! Goodey hits the post with the conversion, but we don’t care. This is Tigers’ match now, and it’s going to be about whether we can get the bonus point. Malone restarts over to Tigers’ right, Varndell takes a lovely catch and sees an opportunity to run it; he goes through one ineffectual tackle, and then straight past the next defender, then on go the afterburners, all the way, got to be 70, 80 metres. Hoo hoo! “Do the horn again Daddy!” Too right: toot toot tooty toot, tooty toot toot – TIGERS! Goodey takes the tricky extras this time, and it’s 28-6 to Tigers, with more than 20 minutes to get the fourth try.

It only takes about ten minutes, as Tigers are bossing this and the Quins heads, except for the floppy blond one of Strettle, are going down. Deano empties the bench on the hour, but it avails nothing, since there is plenty of fresh beef in nice clean white shirts to come. They do give it a go, with Barry losing the ball in a stretch over in the Tigers corner which would have given a glimmer of hope if he had been able to hang on to it, but Tigers clear their lines, and before long it’s that man Croft again, taking another lovely cross-field kick from Goodey way above a couple of, it has to be said, not very enthusiastic looking Quins defenders, and taking the ball round to the posts to make the conversion a formality. Time for the horn again - toot toot tooty toot, tooty toot toot – TIGERS! And an extra parp for the mascot who is trying to get the crowd to get behind the home team – I don’t know if it’s possible for a bloke in a giant smiling brown bear outfit to give someone a dirty look, but if it is, I’m sure he just did. Har har har. 35-6 Tigers.

Bearly (sorry) has the mascot-baiting ceased before Tigers are on the charge again. This time it’s Mauger bouncing off tackles on a crashing run, before a lovely offload straight from the All Black coaching manual to Varndell, and Quins just don’t have the legs for that chase. Toot toot tooty toot, tooty toot toot – TIGERS! And again as Goodey slots the conversion. 42-6 – read ‘em and weep.

To their credit, Quins don’t just weep, although home fans are leaving in droves with faces like thunder. Strettle particularly still wants something out of this, and Quins spend much of the last ten pressing and pressing. But Tigers, who could easily have let the intensity slip, defend as if the points are at stake. Quins are running everything, they have a drive on, over under the posts – no, held up. You could start to feel sorry for them, but not that sorry, har har har. Finally, another desperate drive gets Strettle close enough to stretch out and ground, and although it goes to the TMO, the Geezers agree with the very nice Quins fans behind us that he got it just on the line. So it is, and the conversion gives 7 points’ worth of consolation. Final score 42-13 to Leicester.

Approbation

So many positives, after that worrying first 20. Mauger is starting to do what we all hoped he would, top-notch 12 work. His workrate was immense, he was everywhere linking up, running great lines, and with some pretty nice kicks too. Like Gibbo, only more so and with a boot to boot. Goodey had a good day – was it just his turn, or is he better served by the sort of quicker ball Laussucq seemed to be getting to him, and is Mauger’s contribution taking the play-making pressure off him? Whatever, let’s have more of it. And what of the Tom Toms? Croft had a blinder – he used his height and pace brilliantly, competed everywhere, and his positioning in support was great. For me, he comprehensively won the contest with Robshaw (although the latter did show up well before he was subbed), and I had him as MoM until the final Varndell try – and probably even after it. Varndell – official MoM, and you can’t argue too much with that. The gameplan allowed him to come inside and look for action, and he had the confidence to do it and the skills as well as the pace to carry it off. The whole team – they were linking between forwards and backs, keeping the ball alive and playing what was in front of them. Is this heads-up Loffreda rugby? I do hope so. And the reffing was fair enough, all told – the naughty bits more or less balanced out and the game was allowed to run pretty freely.

As for Quins, they will be disheartened, but there is a big positive in Strettle – always a threat, always up for it even when his side was dead and buried. Gomarsall also oozed attitude, and Brown is a fine full-back. Will Skinner played his heart out. Also, the pack held up better in the scrum and loose than I had expected, although the lineout was pretty iffy. But fly-half was fairly pedestrian, and in the centres, it was a pretty bad day at the office. Top four may be beyond them, but top six achievable if they can deal with those problems. Positives for the visitor to the Stoop are the facilities (apart from the baffling lack of a countdown clock), the beer and the home fans, who were friendly, and gracious in defeat.

Altogether a beezer day out. The only lurker in the otherwise pristine bowl of the day was our inability to nobble Deano for an autograph. Still, we have tickets for the return at Welford Road, and we’ll get him then. Mr Richards, you are a marked man!


HARLEQUINS 13 LEICESTER TIGERS 42


Harlequins: M Brown; D Strettle, De Wet Barry, J Turner-Hall, U Monye (S Keogh 40); C Malone (A Jarvis 57), A Gomarsall; C Jones, G Botha (T Fuga 57), M Ross, O Kohn (J Percival 57), J Evans (P Volley 78), C Robshaw (T Guest 57), W Skinner (Capt), C Hala'ufia.
Try: Strettle.
Con: Jarvis.
Pens: Malone 2.

Leicester: G Murphy; J Murphy, O Smith (A Erinle 73), A Mauger, T Varndell; A Goode, C Laussucq (B Youngs 73); M Ayerza, B Kayser (G Chuter 70), M Castrogiovanni (D Young 48), L Deacon (J Hamilton 62), B Kay, T Croft, L Moody (B Deacon 64), M Corry (Capt).
Tries: Varndell 3, Croft 2.
Cons: Goode 4.
Drop goal: G Murphy.
Pens: Goode 2.

Referee: D Pearson.

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