Rugby fans , apparently , are not divided into two groups , the unbelievers and Tiger fans but into 8 groups and each group has several sub-groups.

Firstly , there are Tiggs ( The Important Game Groupie). Knowing nothing about rugby does not prevent them from getting the best seats and talking all through the game about anything but the game. One common trait is the need to get up and walk in front of other spectators to get to the “Little Room” at crucial moments in the match. They set up an agreed rota for this before the game. Also occasionally known to let their mobile ring and be answered during play but not to find out the score of a rival team. An unusually large contingent is expected to squat in the middle tier on Saturday.

Then there are the BAFSATT group. ( Belligerent Aggressive Fan Shouting All The Time. Quite often solitary but sometimes known to hunt in small groups at away grounds. This fan takes the Animal Farm approach to games ; “You’re team bad , my/our team good,” and lets everyone around know this. Any opposition try had fourteen forward passes in it and any penalty against his ( yes this group is always male) own team was preceded by 20 penalisable offences by the opposition and he doesn’t need to write a letter of complaint to the RFU because they can hear him at HQ anyway.

Does this person Look familiar?

The IARs ( I ‘m Always Right) are quite numerous but more subdued than the BAFSATTs. This group looks more closely at the play and can always know which player to blame if a move does not end in a score. Does not shout loudly but grunts comments such as “Easy run in for the winger if he had gone left” or “The blue one is on his knees so much he thinks he’s in church”.

The BAFFs ( Banner And Flag Fiends) come out in force on big match days. They take great pride in even the scruffiest banner and wave their flag as if they were the only fans in the ground with one. They never let the banner/flag thing interfere with their view of the game but do they care whose eye they put out with their poles? Of course not! But take great care not to tread on said banner/flag thing or push it away from in front of your face because that is like a red rag to a bull.

The HOWZATs (Hero One Week Zero Another Time) are sprinkled in every club’s ground. They will blame certain players for not performing miracles every game. Typical comments include “my two year old could have scored that” when seeing a player get man and ball together on his own 22. The greater the feat by a player one week the greater the vitriol if he only manages a great game the next. No player , however good , unless related by blood to the HOWZATT can escape at some point during the season.

The IAMs (Idiosyncratic And Maverick) are a small but colourful group who brighten up match days and message boards. They wear hats in their teams’ colours, which are taller than the one Dr. Zeuss’s cat wears or pay for seats for their own cuddly toy mascots or portable stereos while forgetting to pay their TV licence or phone bill which they only pay when they are threatened with being cut off and unable to use their computer to share their view of the world on rugby message boards. On message boards they are friends with everyone one day and on another day the only ones typing sense. Their lucidity bears no relation to their alcohol consumption because they are semi- permanently drunk.

The FOEs ( Friends Of Everyone) are perhaps the saddest group. Always solitary they choose seats or spots near an exit so that they can prevent victims from leaving by the exit they have blocked. Having cornered their hapless victim they will donder on and on about anything at all vaguely connected to the game. They have an amazing capacity to talk without pausing for breath so while the victim, who is sometimes in urgent need of the loo, politely waits for a break in the conversation to make a dash for it this never comes.

Then there are the STAINS (Short Tempered And Irate Nuisances). Commonest in that undefined area where the southeast Midlands wanders into the Home Counties they never forgive another team for being more successful than their own. Prone to gloating before a game because experience has taught them not to expect to be able to do so after, they go under names such as St. Green Eyed Monster, St. Envious, St One day, just one day we will finish above you etc. Nautical in nature even though landlocked they meet in a derelict canal barge called The Black Pig to play fantasy rugby in which their team always wins. However, once outside their fantasy world they become more and more irate at any mention of their neighbour’s success. This does not stop them from posting on their rival’s board more than their own moribund one!

But whichever group you think you fit you are only allowed to be one kind of fan this week. It is once again us against the world and we need to pull the drawbridge up , circle the wagons and man the beaches. This is no time for clever analysis , witty comments or perceptive expert views. This Saturday we must all be SSSTs. (Pronounced Ssusters) (Shouting, Singing Supporting Tigers). If you have voice enough left after the game to dissect it then you didn’t shout loud enough during it! You are only permitted a break from shouting duties during kicks at goal or to go to the loo. You are on duty from several hours before kick off and hopefully, just like last year, for at least one hour after the final whistle.

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