First they have the hunkiest coach in the premiership in Philippe Saint Andre (well until next season when he will be surpassed by the one and only Jason Robinson).

At fullback, having let the gorgeous Ben Foden slip through their fingers, Sale have been fielding the lovely Mark Cueto. As he is in Martin Johnson’s team we will be denied the pleasure. Sale’s other full back option, Matthew Tait, is also in MJ’s squad. More famous for being dumped by Mr Charlotte Church on his England debut than for being the 2^nd youngest player to represent England since the war,  the blond haired baby-faced “T Bone” hopes to become a Doctor when his playing days are over. More recently Sale have been starting the unbelievably blue-eyed Welshman Nick MacLeod at full back ! Alternatively they may need to call on Ukrainian born (but england U20)  Selorm Kuadey (aka sirloin)

So to the wings. Well the lovely Spaniard Oriol Ripol is now fit again and back to try-scoring form. Worth the money just to look at him! On the other wing is Chris Bell (aka “ding dong belly!”) who claims his favourite ground is Vicarage Road!

Sadly at inside Centre we will be denied Mr Luke “mighty thighs” McAlister following minor surgery to his knee. (If there is another player with tighter shorts or sexier thighs out there I’d like to meet him). Last week blond bombshell Saffer Rudi Keil took his place and Welshman Lee Thomas (who was banned last year for removing 3 of Shaun Byrne’s teeth) is likely to be alongside him.

At fly half England reject Charlie Hodgson, probably the most talented fly half in the premiership but without the mental steel to hold it all together when it counts. He has that haunted look about him that makes every woman in the crowd want to pick him up & take him home for a cocoa. Looks like we may miss out on cheeky Welshman Dwayne Peel as he has belatedly been called up to the national side and so it looks like chunky chappy Richard “Wriggle, Wiggle” Wigglesworth or else Sale may need to resort to their untried youngster Chris Leck. 

So to the forwards. With hunky Lionel Faure probably on national duty, & our friend Andrew Sheridan propping England up, we may see one of the youngsters, Ross Davis or even better Rob O’Donnell at loosehead. Sebastien Bruno, he of the dodgy throw ins and shortly to depart for Toulon will probably be at hooker with Eiffon Roberts at tighthead probably keeping Matt Cairns clone Stuart Turner on the bench.

The Wildman of Stockport, Sebastian Chabal is sadly unlikely to be making his farewell performance at Watford as he is in the French national squad (shame – it’s always good to play the caveman game). In his absence, Sale are likely to opt for any 2 of Chris Jones, Dean Schofield Sean Cox & Brent Cockbain. In the back row, with Jason White away with the sweaties, any of the above alongside any combination of Neil Briggs (who is down as a hooker on the Sharks website), the dark & hairy charms of Captain Juan Martin Fernandez Lobbe and the even darker & hairier Luke Abrahams. Although personally I’d rather see young David Tait & Alex Shaw – both young enough to still have their ears in tact.

So what can we put up against these Adonii? Well we have undoubtedly cornered the market in Afro’s with Del-Boy & Cato (if you like that sort of thing) with a nice contrast in Kameli. The twins Alex Goode & Adam Powell (well, can you tell them apart from the other end of the ground? (Ed – No)) have undoubted appeal. Faz has rugged charms if he has recovered from whatever ails him. At fly half is the one & only Jacko (I hope) alongside either Mickey Wilson (I wish) – mind he’s part Italian so we could yet loose him as scrum half is proving problematic for the Italians – sorry forget that he plays for Saracens – or more likely the saviour of Watford’s tanning & hairdressing salons, Justin Marshall.

In the front row, we lose Matias Aguero & Fabio Ongaro possibly along with Tom Mercey for England which rather leaves us down to the bare bones. Nick Lloyd (I’ve always had a soft spot for him) should get a deserved start alongside Matt Cairns and of course our very own teddy bear Census Johnson (couldn’t you just take him home!) with the reassuring form of Cobus on the bench. 

The tall men will probably Chris Jack (if he doesn’t start at scrum half) alongside Huge (Borthwick being amazingly still with England).

And in the back row, Wikus has had a bit of a rest so that big white cap will probably be on view. We could get a special guest appearance from Ches but more likely England Saxon Andy Saull alongside Ben Skirving and if Seymour doesn’t start (& he probably won’t) in the eye-candy stakes we can’t hold a candle to the Men of Sale.

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