If ,as a reader you can recognise or sympathise with any of the above conditions of a Sunday morning between September and May, I guess your child plays mini-rugby. Am I right?

Having started at the beginning you’ll have been mystified by the activities of the 5 year old midgets with their shirts and shorts that fit like windsocks, boots that make them look grotesque, and all chasing a ball the size of their heads and trying to swipe tags off the opponents, or their own team mates depending who they bump into first. Any fan of Benny Hill will quickly acknowledge that the end of episode pursuit scene with Benny chased in a weaving line was inspired by mini tag rugby. U6’s minis is just like trying to heard cats!

Hair styles amongst the coaches at minis tend to be quite short - the amount of time they spend tearing their roots out tends to favour this style of coiffure. How frequently are the following random but oft repeated cries from the coaches’ despairingly entreated during the course of a season?

“Two hands on the ball!”, “Get back on side!”, “Pass the ball!”, “Look for support!” ,“Stop throwing mud!”, “Take your hands out of your pockets!”, “Look at who you’re passing to!” ,“Stop picking your nose!” , “Where’s your gum shield?”, “Do you ever untie your boots properly?” “Take your earrings out girls!” “Touch the ball down properly - this is not American football - it’s Rugby!”

Yet……..inspite off all this, these key components of your child’s weekend social scene still turn up every week, attend the training sessions and coaching instruction sessions during their own free time and actively encourage even the most inept participant to persevere and enjoy Rugby Football - because they love it. And they love the children to love the sport as well - with the respect and understanding for the philosophies of the game that we parents adore about the oval ball game.

The tag game becomes contact rugby after a few years. Some children discover that they were born to be prop forwards even at the age of 9 - and will enjoy the dark arts of this role for the next 30 years or so! The nippy tagster becomes a darting scrum half or No. 10. The centres and wingers mix and match in order to get a feel of the ball, or because they’re freezing their bits off.

Annual encounters with your regular fixtures, home and away, allow you to gauge the progress of the team. (Last year we were beaten by 4 tries to 1.….this year who knows?) Sometimes your team acquires a disaffected soccer player - these children are often unaccustomed to the true camaraderie that young rugby players soon develop - and normally thrive with the ethic that the referee accepts zero backchat.

If you’ve never exposed your child to the real joys of mini rugby, take them along to your local club on a Sunday morning and introduce yourself to the coaches who will always make a potential young recruit very welcome. The clubs vigorously teach and train these children in the ways and techniques that will allow them to enjoy the game, safely but with the correct degree of rubgy attitude. Stand on the side and be amazed how a reserved youngster can become a team player, or how the over exuberant vocal child can accept the strictures of the Rugby code. And especially, be amazed by the miraculous powers of the magic water bottle which cures the effects of 99% of all knocks and bangs.

What is the real buzz about mini-rugby? As a parent, it’s difficult to put a finger on it. Of course you want your children to have fun and enjoy exercise,. You want your child to learn and progress and develop friendships that may endure a lifetime. You want the coaches to occasionally experience a match performance that validates their previous 5 years of endeavours! But, you know that team your club lost to last year by 4 tries to 1.…….this year you want to reverse the result.

LOOK WHERE YOU’RE PASSING THE BALL!…….TACKLE THE LEGS!…….YOU’VE GOT AN OVERLAP………….WELL PLAYED KIDS!………….AND DON’T FORGET THE CHAMPAGNE!