ND1 Is it good for you?

"We saw Harlequins do very well and now look where they are in the Premiership"

So said Geoff Cooke, First Division Chief Executive, in Rugby Times on 25 April 2008. The idea that a season in ND1 doesn't seem to have done Quins any harm has been heard from many quarters in the last few months. But is ND1 is good for you, and if so why, and will a year in ND1 be of benefit to Saints as they return to the top flight?

Ian Spokes calls at the downtown office of relegation treatment specialist Dr Drop and listens in as the crack quack talks to another prospective patient struggling in the nether regions of the Premiership.

"Well then young fella, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's the team Doc. They are tired and listless. No energy at all and they seem a bit down. And now they have started to bicker amongst themselves. Worst of all, we just can't win matches. It's getting really serious. The club is in a bad way and I just don't know what to do."

"I see"

"I'd heard that you sometimes prescribe ND1 for this condition"

"Indeed I do. Thirty doses of ND1 taken between August and April and I usually find the patient is soon up, renewed, refreshed and raring to go."

"That could be just the thing I'm looking for, but are there any downsides?"

"Well, you must realise that ND1 is expensive. Match attendances will be down, even for well supported clubs. That has a knock-on effect on sales of food and beverage, merchandise and other match-day related revenues. You'll also notice a drop off in your corporate income. For some reason sponsors are not so keen on a club that takes ND1"

"Anything else?"

"You might lose some of your players, especially the younger ones with ambition and the possibility of international selection. But I don't think this can be a major problem because a regular patient of mine, I'll call him Mr Carnegie, lost nearly all of his good players last time he took a course of ND1 but I can tell you confidentially he is about to start a new course as we speak."

"Mmm"

 "Now, I must also make you aware of the HC problem. Many of the best players, especially from overseas, insist on a regular dose of HC but you can't take HC for at least a year after taking ND1. I have to be honest - that sometimes causes a recruitment problem."

"So it's likely that we won't be able to recruit top players?"

"Correct. Mind you, although ND1 is not a banned substance, given the choice most pros would rather not take it - so you probably won't recruit anyone else either until you can guarantee that you are cured."

"But how will NDI actually make the team play better?"

"Well, it doesn't make the team play better as such. When you think about it there is no possibility that it can. Week in, week out you will be matched up against inferior teams, playing a somewhat different and more basic style of rugby. Some of the playing surfaces leave a lot to be desired and the standard of refereeing is lower than the premiership. You'll soon get used to it though - and that's why it doesn't make you play better."

"I am also very worried about how our supporters will react, Doc. Will we have to force them to take ND1 as well."

"Yes. But listen, and keep this to yourself, ND1 induces the most extraordinary, halucinatory effect on supporters. I call it the romantic effect"

"Romantic?"

"Yes, one of the downsides of ND1 is that 50% of your supporters' doses are administered in open, windy, rain-swept places with inadequate and overcrowded facilities. Not only that, but they will have to mix with people who have been on ND1 for quite a long time (not something I recommend, by the way)  and they can sometimes be a bit disturbing to say the least."

"And that's romantic?"

"No, no, that's the reality. What's romantic is that your supporters will rationalise this in their minds as permission to go to Cornwall and discover junior rugby clubs. All most of them will talk about is pasties, cheap beer, wonderful new friends and travel to exciting places like Sedgely Park. Trust me, you won't have a problem with your supporters. Not unless you take more than thirty doses anyway."

"Sedgeley Park?"

"Don't ask me. I've certainly never been there. But if your fans take the full dose it's one of the places they have to go to. They will go there just the once and for a short period afterwards it will seem to them like an enchanted journey where they saw wonderful things and met exciting new friends. But don't worry, as soon as they are off ND1 they won't have the slightest desire to return"

"That sounds a bit weird, Doc"

"Actually I've done a bit of research on this subject. It's all to do with withdrawal symptoms experienced by coming off the more expensive GP drug very suddenly. It's difficult to explain but it kind of freezes selected parts of the brain. Supporters seem unable to recognise that they can go to Cornwall or call in for a pint at Old Rottinghamians whenever they like, even when they are on GP.

"I'm not too sure. Our fans are very loyal and the last thing I want to do is upset them"

"Honestly, it's not a problem. Another recent patient, let's call him Mr Franklin, actually charged his supporters the same price for 30 doses of ND1 as he had charged them just the year before for 22 doses of GP, at least half a dozen HC with some Anglo-Welsh variety EDF chucked in as well."

"How on earth did he get away with that?"

"Not even I know the answer to that one, my friend"

"It's quite a list of downsides, Doc. Is that all?"

"Yes. Well, apart from the delusions."

"Delusions?"

"I didn't mention the delusions because they are quite rare. Before he came to me, my patient Mr Franklin had a bit of a problem with appointing coaches for a few years - had more of ‘em than Country Lion - which caused no end of problems, I'm told. Once he'd taken about twenty doses of ND1 though, he announced publically that he was obviously very good at selecting coaches. Laugh? I thought my pants would never dry. But I ask you, what harm does it do?"

"To be really honest Doc, the more you tell me, the less attractive it seems. You say it will be expensive, our sales will decrease, we will lose fans and sponsors, we will probably lose players and find it harder to recruit their replacements. On top of that our supporters will be suffering from severe halucinations, pretending that they enjoy all of this - and for what? We can't improve because we're playing second rate teams at second rate grounds with second rate referees. And to top it all our boss will become delusional!"

"To be fair, I think that was a pre-existing condition in the example I gave."

"Maybe, but I just can't see the benefit. Are there any positive aspects to ND1"

"Of course. For a start, the media will have virtually no interest in you at all. It will be a bit like lying low at a very discrete, albeit slightly shabby, rehabilitation centre.

"And that's it?"

"You are making the mistake of concentrating on the detail and losing sight of the bigger picture. Just look at my recent success with Mr Stoop and consider this - do you seriously think Mr Franklin is not now in fine fettle and ready to resume his place at the top table? That's all because of ND1, what else could it be? Nurse, give my friend here a preliminary dosage - on the house"

"No, I don't want it. And now you come to mention Mr Stoop, wasn't the big problem with him that he was trying to be the CEO and DOR at the same time? There was no way to persuade him that it couldn't possibly work. Then one day his supply of GP was taken away and he realised that he was the problem - so he solved it"

"That's one interpretation, are you sure you wouldn't like to try this trial dosage?"

 "No thanks. And now I come to think of it, it was exactly the same with your Mr Franklin. Doing all the wrong things until one day someone comes along and says ‘no more GP for you, dumbass' Just like Mr Stoop, the cold turkey effect of withdrawal from GP solves the problem. New, top notch DOR in both cases as I remember.

"Well I ..."

"Dr Drop, you are a fraud. You make false claims for ND1 which offers nothing of substance at all and is a fake remedy. The real solution is to understand that there is a problem and take appropriate action in good time. I bid you good day, sir."

"You're not related to Mr Sixways are you?"