Early arrivals for the Beach Party gather with the dress code at times stretching the boundaries of taste

 Which the self elected Standards Committee discuss in depth without looking into the mirror first

 With the power obviously going to their heads..or was it the Tribute?..they fail to register the gentleman in oranges obvious disappointment at not being allowed to join the gang

 
 Crowlas doesn't care too much though and sneers at Mr Haythorne's lame bouncer impersonation.

 Two things Sir, no trainers and no jeans...

 In the Arms Park bar conversation between Devs and Old Prop is interupted when the formers' phone rings unexpectedly. Laura's chances of a refill seem distant as a result

 It's Ian checking up on Devs to make sure he isn't slouching in his chair again

 "Ey oop luv" yells prospective independant MP Ms Rantzen, "If yer ordering pizza make sure there's extra gravy topping and peas"

 "E'en with that maid screeching out there I can still hear a gurgling noise. Is it you or me boy?"

 It was neither as the piranha pool is fired up awaiting any one with..

 ...but this is Yorkshire where men are men and the chance of free fish supper is too tempting for these strapping chaps

 Such shocking images though have not reached Yorkshire's Longest Bar where Rod and Mags almost spill their drinks with the latest rumour flying around

 Jones B knows nothing about it either but the eyes of an onlooker look up in awe

 Sir Cliff has abandonned his love of tennis and turned up at the speed of light following his interview on Chris Evans' drivetime slot only moments earlier. Quite how Becks fits in to the Shadows reunion tour is yet to be revealed

 Beats the Depot Field or the San Siro though eh Dave?

 Ah...sorry..this is the only real Dave here tonight. Might not be able to bend his free kicks too well, but takes a mean shot...when his camera has enough memory ;o)

 On the pitch Laurie is like a kid in Hambleys with daddy's credit card. The go on the bouncy castle was fun, but the surfing machine looks even better. Chris and Ian can only look on and tut-tut despairingly.

 
 McGlone will have to wait his turn though as a local youngster perfects his cutback technique..sort of

 Laurie is inscensed that he can't have a go yet and his team-mates have to physically restrain the Big Man

 Operatives from a nearby abbatoir await 'business' either way

 The Beach Party gets underway as the gells, under the watchful eye of a dubious character in the background, proceed to slaughter that old Surfari's classic, Wipeout

 Jealously, Sir Cliff storms onto the pitch and tries to steal the show. It's been a while though and the poor ole crooner/rocker/Sue Barker stalker can't remember what to do with that stick thingy with the fluffy end. His comeback is ended prematurely though as Donny's mascot moves in to rip his head off

 Which is all too much for Luke's sensitive Druth constitution

 Much to the amusement of some local scallies who's stomachs are made of sterner stuff

 Harvey's smiling public faces does little to disguise Chris and Ian's ominous reaction to such weakness. Pack Of Cards will seem a stroll in the park compared to what they have planned!

 Taylorson is yards offside as Rhys launches a high one. Paves and Wardy have his card marked

 Dalby keeps his flag down which has nothing to do with Ice's menacing presence

 The natives become restless and light the pyre ready from some improvised post match entertainment...

 ...Little does he know, but Cornish All Black and Liverpool reject, Stevens M, is not only being marked in late in the register.

 Blair realises the journo's fate is not going to be pleasant unless...

 Chris can speak up for Mark in time and get a back page spread about the Pirates going top. Stirling C shows little emotion, says little, and heads off to 'see what he can fix'

 The remnants of the locals' grass skirts suggest Stirling C's 'chat' has had the desired effect

 The Jury show their relief at not having to declare a verdict. Stevens M can now hammer his keyboard freely once more.

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