“I thought we had the better of the second half, and Hall Charlton changed the game when he came on, justifying not just his introduction today but the replacement of Micky Young last week when he had just scored a try.

“The first half was a bit of a disaster I admit, but to be honest Leicester are one of the top teams in this league and we're not quite at their level yet. The Sale game on Friday is the key one as far as we are concerned.

“Having just seen the Leeds score I am still not worried about our Premiership status.”

Despite the change in weather, The Master did not want to blame the conditions although saying “We trained all week for a game-plan that depended on a dry pitch, and then it starts raining two hours before kick-off.

“There was nothing we could do after that but our best but I think we passed and ran a bit more than the conditions warranted. Jimmy [Gopperth] should have kicked for territory a bit more.

“Any team containing Toby Flood is always a danger and so it proved with Noah breaking past tackles for the first and third tries, but I'd rather focus on an amazing try-saving tackle while it was still 0-0. This is testament to the work Alan Tait has done with us and proves that he would be a worthy successor if I were to leave the club, despite the Saracens and Cardiff games.

“In the first half we were a little blown away and I think you have to make allowances for the absence of Carl Hayman, who is a real rock and inspiration for us. Leicester came with a game-plan that worked and we had little answer to it, but we will watch the video and be better prepared next time.

“Second half we were much better and I was pleased for Charlie to score the try, although my first thought was that Biggsy might get on the end of it and when you have prepared a style of play all season that does not include the wingers that would have been quite disappointing.

“I was sorry to replace Charlie, I thought he had a good game but he scored a try, and as Sir Alex Ferguson once said about bullying in the academy, 'I simply won't tolerate that'.

“I was quite surprised though by how the second half went considering Leicester had been training in the Midlands all week, you'd have thought their lesser exposure to the volcanic ash would have meant they would be fitter as the game went on as their respiratory systems would have been better.

“I had expected us to be better in the first half and hopefully have enough of a lead to hold off Leicester's second-half revival, but it doesn't always work out how you expect. We were looking good to at least get a bonus point until Filipo Levi was sin-binned.

“The lack of noise from the airport may have affected us too as we are used to playing with that in the background and I believe it has been a key cause of our good home form over the years.

“In the end though, we will take away the positives and I have seen enough today to be convinced we can stay up.”

The press conference ended in controversy when a number of South Stand stalwarts stormed the stage, and one grabbed the microphone. He demanded to know how the Kingston Park faithful worked out that Matt Thompson was at fault for two lineouts which were lost when a Leicester player jumped in front of a Falcon waiting to take the ball.

P.S. This is a complete work of fiction and any resemblance to persons in work or sacked is purely coincidental.

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