London Irish Team

Player Reviews by Old Man River

Neal ‘Beefy’ Hatley (Prop Forward)

As a South African-born England ‘A’ International playing for an English League team called London Irish who play their home games in Reading, his selection for the Samoan World Cup squad appears to be a formality. His dearest wish is to get hold of a Dublinannette autographed T-Shirt.

Mike ‘Worzle’ Worsley (Prop Forward)

Although Mike worked hard at his game last year there are still areas where he needs to improve. In particular he needs to look at his failure to come up with a decent excuse in the Powergen Cup Final to match Brendan’s inspired "it was only a tackle". This weakness in his game quite rightly resulted in his sin-binning.

Richard ‘James T’ Kirke (Hooker)

As a New Zealand-born England A International, that elusive international call up for Poland cannot be too far away. Speedy and aggressive on the pitch, unfortunately his throwing towards the end of last season exhibited more yips than Sandy Lyle on a crazy golf course after 16 pints of lager.

Naka ‘Nurse’ Drotske (Hooker)

The 1997 All-South Africa Ukelele and Banjo champion, Naka likes nothing better than entertaining the team on their way back from matches with his startling rendition of the George Formby classic "Win arm clinning windars". Nurse’s role as ‘throwing coach’ for fellow hookers Steve Thompson, Will Greening and Keith Wood has already started to pay big dividends for London Irish.

Adrian ‘Campese’ Flavin (Hooker)

Wearing No.2 on his back is no hindrance to Adrian’s desire to change the hooker’s role to that of an overlapping left wing (or at least that seems to be his aim whenever I have seen him play).

Rob ‘Laa Laa’ Hardwick (Prop Forward)

A 20-Stone cuddly bundle of fun. Made history at Franklin Gardens by becoming the first player to apparently beat himself unconscious on the rugby field. All-England Break-Dancing champion 1999.

Simon ‘Kwik Fit’ Halford (Prop Forward)

Experts are already predicting that Simon’s increasingly frantic efforts to score his first try for Irish will see him spend more time shoulder-to-shoulder with Pieter than with Naka or Kirkie. His failure to reveal his shoe size on the Club’s official website is a sad (and possibly significant) blemish on an otherwise distinguished playing career.

Doug ‘Dennis’ Wheatley (Prop Forward)

"Doug who ?" they said when he made his debut for Irish. Well now we know the answer to that question ("You know, Doug Wheatley, the one who kept on giving penalties away against Northampton in the ZC"). A really exciting prospect, our researchers are looking to see if there is any connection between the arrival at the club of young South African rugby players and the seeds sown by OxonRob during his time in the RSA.

Peter ‘Jimmy’ Du Randt (Prop Forward)

A new signing who will undoubtedly benefit from Dr V’s tender care. Missed out on the Saracens Supporters Club Player of the Year award through a cruel twist of fate (apparently at the last minute they changed the rules and allowed other players to take part).

Ryan ‘Mad Dog’ O’Strudwick (Lock Forward)

The sight of our fiery and temperamental Captain haranguing referees until restrained by mild mannered peacemaker Dr Brendan Venter was a familiar one to all London Irish supporters last year (of course I could be misreading the situation). Although claiming to originate from South Africa, he can no longer conceal that he does indeed hail from the Emerald Isle.

Bob ‘Babe Magnet’ Casey (Lock Forward)

Rumours that he is Dublinannette’s secret lovechild (the product of a particularly lively encounter with a barrel of AG) are currently being investigated. Although pre-billed as ‘a great lump of a lock forward’, first impressions suggest that he tends more towards ‘heightliness’ rather than ‘lumpiness’.

Baron Jeff ‘Speedboat’ Von Fahrenson (Lock Forward)

As a New Zealander playing in England for London Irish, his international call up for Germany was to be expected. Hopefully now fully recovered from his injury problems, we look forward seeing more of his ability to blow games open, like he did against Sarries. Surprisingly finished fifth in the German RFU’s ‘Jeff Fahrenson look alike’ competition, for reasons that are not entirely clear.

Glenn ‘Daddy O’ Delaney (Lock Forward)

Has probably spent the summer telling Brendan that the reason Irish score so many points late on in games is because that’s when he’s on the field. Winner of the German RFU’s ‘Jeff Fahrenson look alike’ competition, for reasons that are not entirely clear.

Kieran ‘Awesome’ Dawson (Wing Forward)

At his best, genuinely World Class. However, after his injury problems over the past two seasons, he is now carried everywhere by Beefy and Laa Laa in a cotton wool-lined Sedan chair. This does impact on his ability to support the ball carrier, hence his use of Declan as a ‘stunt double’ during matches.

Declan ‘Vlad’ Danaher (Wing Forward)

Much is expected of this promising youngster. Declan says he is really looking forward to this season when he will be old enough to go to big school and stay up after 9 o’clock at night. Should start to fill out once he moves away from his current diet of dinosaur-shaped chicken bits and tinned teletubby pasta.

Paul ‘Fred’ Gustard (Wing Forward)

During the 2001/2002 season Paul was transformed from a cynical, streetwise, win at all costs animal to a committed, hard working professional prepared to give his all for the team. He achieved this by joining our team rather than playing for someone else (funny how often that happens). Winner of the 2002 ‘Keith Wood Kicking Trophy’ for his drop goal attempt v Bath.

James C**kle (Wing Forward)

Despite (or perhaps because of) his emasculation by the messageboard, Jimmy C always gives a whole-hearted (if not a whole everything else) performance for the Irish. Winner of the ‘Scariest player photo in the match day programmes’ award for 2001/2002.

Lord Christopher Algernon Cholmondley Farquhar ‘Loverat’ O’Sheasby of Mayfair (No. 8)

Since first coming to public attention while serving alongside Baden-Powell at Mafeking, this product of Hackney Marshes and Smithfield Meat Market has come a long way. In a process known as ‘Reverse Nigel Kennedy Syndrome’ this one time street hawker has gradually developed the accent to go with his high-class socialite activities. His excuse for being on the wrong side at a ruck, "Sorry old chap, I clean forgot we changed ends at half-time," is delivered with such old-world charm that not even the most implacable of referees can bring themselves to signal the penalty. Winner of the ‘Most Enthusiastic Rugby Player in the World’ Trophy every year since its inception in 1904.

Darren ‘Digby’ Edwards (Scrum Half)

In between his starring role in ‘The Grimleys’, Dazzler still finds time to throw in some stunning performances at scrum half. A born entertainer, his 30-yard cross-field pass to Andy Blowers, in a vain attempt to keep the Powergen final alive, was in the best traditions of London Irish. Winner of the 2002 ‘Best Welsh Scrum Half at London Irish’ award (but Steve Williams asked for a recount).

Hentie ‘Doc’ Martens (Scrum Half)

Despite being the main sponsor of Rushden & Diamonds in the toeball league, Hentie’s real love is Rugby Union. Although his home is in South Africa, his roots are still in Northamptonshire where his father Bob runs the family pet healthcare business. Needs to keep reminding himself that the dastardly opposition will usually try to steal the ball from the base of the scrum, even though we had the put in.

Kevin ‘Homes’ Barrett (Scrum Half)

Leapt up the LI popularity stakes after his performance in the ZC game v Northampton. Not sure that Vlad has yet forgiven him for nicking his pushover try in the home game against Valladolid. Needs to make sure he grabs whatever opportunities come his way this season.

Barry ‘The Sheriff’ Everitt (Fly Half)

My arrival as an LI supporter coincided with Barry’s full debut and, in terms of sporting performances, one of us has never looked back! If anyone needs an example of a sportsman seizing his chance, Barry is your man. Since having his muscles and ligaments replaced with Kevlar, Barry appears to have joined the O’Strudwick School of Indestructibility. Long may it continue.

Mark ‘Doogie Donelly’ Mapletoft (Fly Half)

Not many people realise that Mark and ‘Doogie’ the Scottish-accented golf and bowls commentator are one and the same person (well think - have you ever seen them in the same room together !). Such is Mark’s commitment to his profession that, on the rugby field he keeps his beautiful golden tresses beneath a shiny dome, in pursuit of that vital extra speed that can mean the difference between success and failure.

Justin ‘The Dog’ Bishop (Wing)

Bish’s lilting Irish brogue perfectly captures the soft green rolling landscape of his homeland. Scorer of the ‘Comedy Try of the Year’ award v Wasps, he also got an assist on Sale’s comedy award. Runner up to O’Sheasby in the ‘Most Enthusiastic Rugby Player’ award.

Geoff ‘Applebush/Applestrudle’ Appleford (Centre)

To recap, last season Geoff captained England to victory in the Hong Kong sevens, scored two tries in the Cup Final and became the first London Irish player to win an England cap. Having now set his standard, we wait to see what Geoff does this year !

Although he claims to originate from South Africa, his rich Glawscester burr and rolling farmer’s gait means that no one is fooled. This is a man from the shires and his selection for England was a natural. A keen spoon player, Geoff can frequently be seen running behind the team coach after unsuccessful attempts to entertain his team-mates.

Rob ‘Psycho’ Hoadley (Centre)

‘More subtlety, less needle’ seems to be the prescription for Rob this season. Perhaps it is a question of Rob being more Rob, and less of Rob trying to be Doc (at least at this stage in his career). Probably has the best teacher in the business in his position, mix that with his own ability and let the party begin.

Brendan ‘The Doc’ Venter (Centre)

West Indian cricketers call scary fast bowlers ‘serious’. As a rugby player the Doc is ‘seriously serious’. One question that occurs to me is, have any of the Doc’s patients ever been brave enough to ask for a second opinion? The other question is, how likely is the Doc to pass up the chance to be part of our back line this season?

Nick ‘Bunny’ Burrows (Centre)

Described by SteveS in one his match reviews as a journeyman springbok centre transformed by the Doc, and by Reading Fat Boy as being ‘the business’, we wait for the fireworks to begin.

Paul ‘O’’ Sackey (Wing)

In footballing terms, never seems to score tap-ins. Paul clearly has the view that if a try does not involve an 80-yard sprint, or blasting past at least three defenders, it’s not really a try.

Winner of the 2002 ‘I’ve run alongside Orac for everyone single one of the 1500 metres he gained this year, and the b****er still won’t pass to me’ award.

Pieter ‘Jean Jacques’ Roussow (Wing)

Pieter first came to our attention when a Gilbert rugby ball and John Bentley arrived simultaneously on the patch of Durban rugby field he was occupying during the 1997 Lions tour. They say you can still see the imprint of Pieter’s body to this day. Officially rated as ‘huge’, it seems unlikely that too many of our forwards will be classing Pieter as one of the ‘girls’ in the backs.

Michael ‘Orac’ Horak (Full Back)

Michael’s cut-glass Home Counties accent soon endeared him to the powers that be at Twickenham and his call up to international colours in Argentina duly followed. Has copyrighted the word ‘unbelievable’ for use when describing his rugby career over the last year. Persuaded to resign as Fred Gustard’s kicking coach after the home game v Bath.

Ed ‘Percy’ Thrower (Full Back)

On the evidence so far, young Percy has the natural gift of timing that is crucial to a full back’s appearance in the line. If he gets the chance in the ZP, can he ‘out-Horak’ Orac ?

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