I was going to call this report “Nice Pears”. Well we were travelling to Worcester, the land of pears. But that was before the match. This is what I wrote before kick off. Those of a nervous disposition may wish to skip the later parts.

We have a couple of pairings ourselves: James & James, Bailey and Buckland who make their debut this season. There is also a really exciting pairing: Peter Richards and Shane Geraghty both hopefuls for the England Elite squad

Blowing the cobwebs out of the MR2 on a wet and windy motorway I turn the radio up as Paul Simon comes on:

The Thames Valley Flood plain was shining
Like a National guitar
I am following the river
Down the M4
Through the cradle of the civil war*

(*English Civil war)

I’m going to Sixways
Sixways
In deepest Worcestershire
I’m going to Sixways,

Mad Monks and Exiles with families
And we are going to Sixways
My traveling companion is nine years old
He is the child of the Digger Club
But I’ve reason to believe
We still will get the win
At Sixways

He comes back to tell me the team
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own squad
As if I’d never noticed
The way he rings the changes to give everyone a chance
And I said losing matches
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart,
Everybody sees the wind blow

I’m going to Sixways
In deepest Worcestershire
I’m going to Sixways.
Mad Monks and Exiles with families
And we are going to Sixways

And my traveling companions
Are ghosts and empty seating
I’m looking at ghosts and empties
But I’ve reason to believe
We still will get the win
At Sixways

There’s a series in Wales and England
That calls itself the EDF cup
And sometimes when teams are falling
Or tumbling in turmoil they say
Whoa! lets leave this cup alone
And yet we’re bouncing into Sixways
And I see losing matches
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart,
Everybody sees the wind blow

At Sixways Sixways
I’m going to Sixways
For reasons I cannot explain
There’s some part of me wants to see
Sixways
We may be obliged to defend
Every line out, every put in
Or maybe there are no easy matches now,
Maybe I’ve a reason to believe
We still will get the win
At Sixways

A precedent has been set in rhyming match reports at Harlequins however I know I am not going to match that so I now revert to prose for the “business end”. Readers of a nervous disposition stop reading now.

There was precious little to sing about. As I was making my way round the terraces to “Cell Block H” - the farthest reaches of the new stand obviously reserved for visitors, the players were out warming up. I passed Eoghan shaping up for a kick. It missed.

The squad was unrecognizable from the team that beat Sale so convincingly a few days before:

All the backs were gone:
15 Delon replaced by James Bailey
14 de Vedia in for Topsy
13 Elvis has left the stadium Dominic Shabbo has his chance
12 Maps has gone. With his sicknote expired a rather nervous Shane takes to the field
11 Tagi out Alan Thompstone in (who?)
10 Peter Hewat makes way for Eoghan
9 Peter Richards replaces Paul Hodgson

I find that swallowing the contents of my hip flask does not have the desired effect, and we kick off. The man with the whistle is Roy “Mayhem” Maybank.

We start with the usual ELV game of ping pong until the ball finally finds touch. Worcester has a lineout on half way but soon knock on giving the scrum to Irish followed by a penalty. We kick for the corner. Briefly there is a period of good possession for Irish which is eventually kicked away when they give away a penalty on Worcester’s line by going in from the side. Worcester clears to half way only to gain another penalty, this time when Irish dive over. Clock says 5 mins. Worcester kicks for touch but then infringe in the line out. The Irish clearance does not find touch but on half way there is another penalty against Worcester for a dangerous tackle. We are 8 minutes in now. The lineout from the penalty to Irish is lost but Worcester immediately kick away possession and there follows several minutes of play in a similar vein. Irish launch a Garry Owen and are judged to have taken the receiver out in the air. This takes us back to the same field position as the earlier line out just inside Irish territory but this time Worcester has the throw. Half stolen by Irish the ball goes loose and eventually a penalty to Irish allows them to clear. 14 minutes into the match and Irish are out of their own half for the first time for a while, only to have a pass intercepted. Irish are just not putting in the tackles and as the ball goes out along the Worcester line eventually Miles Benjamin is given an easy walk-in in the corner to make it 5-0 after a quarter of an hour. Matthew Jones converts to make it 7-0.

From the restart Warriors take it back into Irish territory kicking to the same corner, but this time the Exiles hold firm eventually clearing to relieve the pressure, but giving back possession still inside their own half. Pressure from Irish allows them to intercept in the loose only to be bundled into touch as we head into the second quarter. Irish gain possession from the lineout. Their pass is intercepted but from an offside position, much to the disgust of the home supporters who obviously are still catching up on the 5 metre rule. A chance to narrow the gap and Eoghan steps up. It is exactly where I saw him miss from in the warm up so he will know how to get this one over surely? No. Still 7-0. Worcester drop-out, knock-on, scrum. We get a free kick from the scrum only to knock on ourselves. Worcester clear, ping pong again but it leads to a scrum near Worcester line when an incoming kick is not caught cleanly. Irish are penalized in the scrum allowing Worcester to clear to half way. Another series of poor tackling allows Worcester’s Graham Kitchener through for their second try after half an hour. This time Matthew Jones misses the conversion.

The follow-up to the Irish restart is bundled into touch and another penalty to Worcester allows them to clear and they are looking dangerous again, mostly due to Irish inability to tackle. Another try is only thwarted by a forward pass. We are approaching half time when Charlie Gower comes on for Thomas de Vedia. Another knock on gives Irish a scrum on half way. They launch a high ball chased by Peter Richards who is tackled dangerously by Jake Abbot who is yellow carded on 39 mins. Peter is clearly concussed and has to be bandaged. The resulting penalty is another kickable opportunity for Eoghan to get Irish on the score board before half time. To the delight of the home crowd he fails to do so.

Half time. What can I say about the first half that may get Irish eyes smiling? Having rained all morning, it stopped before kick-off and just before half time the sun came out. Other than that my half-time update to absent friends I am sorry to say went something like this: “Half time. Our new boys are dire, can’t tackle and have let in two tries. Sick-note Shane does not look match fit / ready and Hickey has missed both his kicks. Result: 12-0 down at half time”

Second half. Worcester restart with 14 men. Faan has been replaced by Clarke Dermody. Irish get a penalty for off side. They are still not tackling even though they have the extra man. When they get the ball they are kicking, but not chasing. I have to say it is starting to look as if they do not want to be there. Absolutely no chance Peter Richards and Shane will impress the English selectors, and I am afraid the two new James’: Bailey and Buckland are just not cutting it at senior level. When Irish do finally follow up a kick ahead they get the penalty bang in front of the posts when Worcester are forced to hold on. Surely Eoghan cannot miss this? Oh yes he can!

I am losing the will to live. My match notes are becoming briefer. Even a man down Worcester are still being let through by poor tackling and almost score again. When Abbot comes back there is a rash of substitutions for Warriors: Johnny Arr on for Ben Jones, Aleki Lutui for Chris Fortey and Shaun Ruwers for Chris Horsman.

When we do get possession Charlie Gower is short arm tackled, the ball is hacked on. “Mayhem” plays advantage but we lose the race for the line, advantage over and he pulls play back. Ref goes through a bad patch. Shane or maybe Peter (it was a long way away, but he was definitely blonde!) is clearly taken out after kicking on but it is missed by Mayhem and the assistant referees. Finally Peter finds a way through and scores near the posts. The rowdier elements in the home crowd obviously feel that the match can still be lost and indulge in a spot of jeering before Eoghan misses his fourth kick in failing to convert the try. 12-5. no point in reflecting on the fact that it could have been 12-16, the man is having a miserable enough day anyway.

As we approach the final quarter Irish steal lineout ball on half way and move it to the opposite wing before being pinged for holding on. Worcester put the penalty in the corner win the lineout cleanly this time and spread it to the other corner trying a grubber kick for the line which is smothered. Shane comes off on 60 min and is replaced by Tom Homer. A couple of minutes later a similar movement by Worcester is successful and Miles Benjamin makes it 17-5. Matthew Jones misses the conversion. Worcester brings on Greg Rawlinson as try scorer Graham Kitchener goes off. They also replace Netani Talei with Tom Wood.

From the restart Worcester knock on giving Irish a scrum on their 22. With 15 minutes to go Irish start to put pressure on Worcester but never really look like breaking through. Bob comes off to give a chance to Chris Hala'ufia but you can see from his body language that it is too little too late. We have a scrum. It is clear that Worcester are not scrimmaging properly as Mayhew is forced to keep re-setting it. Inexplicably therefore he gives the penalty to Worcester who substitute Chris Latham bringing on Loki Crichton. More pressure from Irish but eventually they knock on allowing a half clearance. As we enter the last ten minutes Irish are penalized for off side and Worcester kick to the Irish 22. The long throw goes loose and there is a scrappy phase of play seeing the ball gathered by Worcester and then several turn-overs. Tempers start to fray and soon after Peter Richards is brought off when Irish gain a scrum. Tom Parker comes on and immediately botches the pass from the back of the scrum. Worcester pounce on this to win the turnover only to have their pass intercepted and then knocked on. Seven minutes left on the clock and Irish concede another penalty which Worcester knock into the corner putting pressure on to turn a victory into a rout. Irish seem to be holding firm as the clock ticks down to the last 5. There is a scrum 5 metres from the Irish line which Worcester spread wide enabling Loki Crichton to go over in the corner. The conversion is missed by Matthew Jones who is immediately substituted by Joe Carlisle. Worcester Pile on the pressure which is held back. Irish are in possession on the 80th minute. Instead of keeping it in hand they decide on a high risk grubber kick which is collected by Worcester hands which triumphantly put the ball to boot and over the stand for the final whistle. Final score Worcester Warriors 22, London Irish 5.

Those of a nervous disposition can come back in now.

And I see losing matches
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart,
Everybody sees the wind blow

The journey back up the M4 was a long one.

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