A Saints supporter enters a rugby ground.

Saints supporter: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

 (The owner does not respond.)

SS: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

SS: <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

O: We're closin' for half time.

SS: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this rugby match what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Esher game...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

SS: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'It’s crap, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, it’s uh,... resting.

SS: Look, matey, I know a dead match when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no it’s not dead, its, its just a bit slow! Remarkable ref, the Wellinborough Blue, isn'he, ay? Beautiful plumage!

SS: The plumage don't enter into it. It's rubbish.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'its just a bit boring!

SS: All right then, if the Saints team are restin', I'll wake them up! (shouting at the changing room) 'Ello, Mister Saints team! I've got a lovely fresh contract for you if you show...

(Ownerr hits the nearest player) O: There, he moved!

SS: No, he didn't, that was you hitting him!

O: I never!!

SS: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

SS: (yelling and hitting the players repeatedly) 'ELLO JIMMIES!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your three o'clock alarm call! (Takes player out of the dressing room and thumps his head on the floor. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)

SS: Now that's what I call a crap performance.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

SS: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Saints players stun easily.

SS: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That team is definitely had it, and when I purchased my ticket not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged training session.

O: Well, their, ah...probably pining for the premiership.

SS: PININ' for the PREMIERSHIP?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment Esher scored?

O: The Saints player prefers playin' on it's back! Remarkable, isn’t, squire? Lovely new shirts!

SS: Look, I took the liberty of examining that team when I got here, and I discovered the only reason that they had playing so badly in the first place was that they had their feet NAILED to the pitch. (pause)

O: Well, o'course they was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed them down, they would have nuzzled up to those Esher players, bent 'em apart , and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

SS: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this team wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through em! 'their bleedin' rubbish!

O: No no! 'they’re pining!

SS: 'they’re not pinin'! they’re rubbish! This team is no more! It has ceased to be! 'It's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'it’s a bit stiff! Bereft of ideas, game plan in pieces! They’re metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'they’re off their twig! They’ve shuffled off aimlessly, run down the pitch blindfold and joined the bleedin' choir incohesive!! THIS IS AN EX-TEAM!! (pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter)  Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of rugby players.

SS: I see. I see, I get the picture.

O: <pause> I got a Parakeet. (pause)

SS: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it play rugby?

O: Nnnnot really.

SS: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Dorian West (for it is he) STOP THIS NOW ! This is all getting very silly.

And indeed it was. Saints were 10-5 down , I was very cold, the referee had made some very bizarre decisions, including disallowing what looked a perfectly good try, giving three different decisions at four successive scrums where exactly the same thing had happened each time and doing a very passable impression of a young Wayne Barnes in his “I have no idea what I am doing” years.

But fair play to Esher. On the way to the match we had seen a sign by the remains of the Crooked Billet pub titled ES Saints LTD demolition specialists. Esher had denied this omen and prevented the predicted dismantling of their team that most, if not all of the saintly hoards had expected, with a gutsy and energetic performance.

The half was brightened slightly for me by another Ashton try and John Inverdale walking past picking up litter and at the same time managing to make an announcement over the tannoy about Esher supporters club membership. Maybe it was someone with a spitting image John Inverdale mask as every time I saw him he had the same fixed toothy grin and he appeared everywhere; even behind the bar. As I then shouted a few helpful encouraging words to the team and the referee, the police closed in behind me and it looked like I would be spending the second half behind bars.

But I escaped their clutches and got to the front of the bar instead. From my new vantage point and with pint in hand I then witnessed the change in fortune on the pitch. First Ashton again, chasing down a Bruce grubber kick, then Digger, Fox, Myler and Bruce, Bruce, Bruce crossed the whitewash as Saints rediscovered how to play rugby. Every try was unspectacular but the result of efficient phase play and stretching the home defence to bursting. Just what the coaching team would have expected from the start and no doubt reminded the team of at half time.

So all ended happily. A 41.10 victory echoing the winning margin of the latter day saints earlier in the day. I don’t know whether Ratbag got his mention in the Esher programme but he, together with his family flew from the Congo to watch this game and I hope he felt it was worth it in the end. Around 2500 watched the game and Esher hopefully made a few bob. It was another fun away trip but at the end of the day this was just another stepping stone to where we really want to be.

I am not usually a chicken counter but in my opinion Saints are promoted. There I have said it. Exeter got beaten again today and realistically they cannot catch us. But this could now be the squad’s biggest enemy. Maybe the team thought like that before kick off today. They needed to be reminded in no uncertain terms at half time that the results will only come if they continue to work hard and develop. When they play to their abilities no team in this league can touch them. But they need to do this consistently with no let up. Over the last four weeks or so they have and have played cohesively and done the job. The first half today was a backward step. Lets get it together again for the big games coming up.

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