and the posh white stuff with solicitors logos on the front was the characteristic  small  blue Basildon Bond  envelope  complete with George VI th twopenny stamp This is what the contents of that  little envelope said:

How Green black and Gold is your Valley?

Dear Son,

I am sorry that I have not written lately  but  there has been a change in the rules up here  and we are only allowed to write  if there is a special occasion.  I was going to write  when your team were relegated  but decided that it would only add to your misery  and anyway you have still got that Eiffion down there  so it would have been pointless  me trying to cheer you up when  there is already someone down with you who can do it instead.

But now that your team are being promoted again   I have got special permission to write.

Up here we all enjoyed the six nations  and celebrated Wales winning everything  with  a really special party where we had  tea and welsh cakes .  But I don't understand all the fuss about that  Ryan Jones . Apparently he was voted the sexiest man in Wales . Well what has Wales got to do with sex.  It's not as though we are French or something  and we have got on quite well for years without that sort of thing.

Now then  I must   warn you about  the dangers that lie in wait for  you  in the premiership.  First of all you will be mixing with a different sort of people . I know that you and your friends have enjoyed meeting people from Surrey and Cornwall and Devon   but most of them   are  quiet well brought up country folk .   Now though you may have to mix with people from  big cities  like Leicester and High Wycombe. I wont even mention Bristol.

We all know what goes on in those sort of places. Nightclubs where they do that Polish  dancing  and the sort of things that happen in that Sunday paper I wouldn't allow in the house.

Anyway   what is this silly   idea of Bristol playing rugby in Newport?  This cant be right. The very idea of Bristol people  coming to Newport is horrible. I know that if I was still living down there I would  double lock my doors at night if they were about.

Although I have never been there It is well known that Bristol  people are sly. The two people that I did know  from there were enough for me to know what was what .  Do you remember that George Vickers who kept a  fancy woman in Balaclava terrace  - well he was from Bristol or was it  Birmingham  - anyway he  had an  accent which was a give away.

Then there was that Mrs Stevens well she was from Bristol and wore a fur coat when she came to visit with two big dogs  that ate our cat when you were little .  Which just goes to show that  people from Bristol shouldn't be trusted with women and  animals

Some of us up here  were thinking of sending an urgent  message to Ray Gravel who is now in  the mens section to see if he could appear at Rodney Parade and frighten them off . But as was pointed out he is from Llanelli.

We had a discussion up here the other day about these new Rugby Laws  - are they called Elves  ?  Mrs Parry Jones who came up here from Tal y bont  - and went to school  with Colin Charvis granny -  was very firm against them.

She said that  they were  a sure sign that  witchcraft and sorcery were  taking over the empire  - apparently its all due to that film  Lord of the Rings being made in New Zealand  and it has infected Australia.

But Mrs  Jones - Parry  late of  Pontypool   thought they might be a good thing  if they stopped the English  from  nearly winning things and going on about it.   ( I'm sure that she  has heard  about the world cup 2003   but  didnt  believe it )

I hope that you have stopped messing about with politics and those funny ideas of yours  - no good will come of it. Look at that London election . I never trusted that Ken Livingstone.  I ask you what is a grown man doing with newts - I mean you used to catch tadpoles when you were little but I don't suppose you still do.

Anyway  as we know decent people  in the nicer parts like Bexley  didn't vote for him. It was only in  those in  nasty places like   Hackney that they  did.   Which just goes to show that you cant just rely on  the dirty bits.

Well before I can tell you anything about your rugby team I have to ask if you are behaving yourself  and have at last changed your ways.  Son , if you want to stand any chance of getting in up here then you have got to  give up the drinking   and mixing with bad company.  

Otherwise you will end up in one those other places  where the English go .  I have been told  by someone up yer who knows about these things   that they all end up in this big concrete hole called Twickenhell  and are forced to watch Gareth Edwards  scoring tries all day  to the accompanyment of a choir of thousands of Max Boyces !!

So, I hope that you have settled down at last  now you are getting older and  are mixing with the right sort of people.

 I dont like the sound  of this Friday night crowd you are hanging around with - Salesmen and  people of that sort .  What about that one who thinks hes a judge - well we had a man in our street in Newport  who thought he was  Lloyd George but they came in the end and took him away. So you be careful.

I don't understand  why you have to mix with these people   -  . Is all very well them having silly names and pretending to be some sort of club  but its just an excuse  for boozing.  You were never in any gangs when you were little  so why  be in one now? Its not as if you had joined something respectable  like the Ruritarians .


 Now I suppose that you want me to tell you how your team will get on next season  - well I am only allowed to drop hints.  But  don't be surprised  if things are hard at first   because they will pick up and  you will be quite pleased at the end.

Right then  as you might expect  up yer  we can find out what is going to happen down there   for up to six months in advance  . But we are not really supposed to give away any details just enough to reassure people or where necessary to warn them if they are going astray .

We can do this because because we have a special Tele  that shows  Rugby club in advance . So I looked at it to find out what would happen to your team . That fat boy who runs the programme really gets on my nerves and to think he once lived in Basseleg   and now all of a sudden hes English  - I shant even mention that other one- Dewi somebody - you know the one who keeps nodding  like he is afflicted.

Anyway  So what about these Saints  - Well there will be good bits and bad bits  but mostly good   that is because  a lot of the team are clean living boys who remember their prayers  and went to good schools like that Paul Diggin.

Well I must close now to get ready for our weekly discussion group . We are going to talk about  " Garden Sheds   are they blessing in disguise  for the House proud woman ? "

Oh and one final thing  I really am pleased that you are no longer going to be standing in that C bloc with those rough  low class people next season but will be sitting with the respectable profressional people in the stands .  Do try and make friends with them but don't do anything that would bring shame on you  

Your Mam .



 

Bookmark or share this story with:

• Digg
• Delicious
• Facebook
• Reddit
• Stumbleupon

Related Articles:

• Thoughts from the Chron 010508
• Northampton Saints: ND1 - is it good for you?

SPORTNETWORK SPECIALS