Guinness Premiership, Round 14

LONDON WASPS PR FC vs. NORTHAMPTON SAINTS

Sunday, 22nd February, 2009 - 18:00 MSK

 

 

The letter W

 

            When I first moved to the former Soviet Union, it wasn't the nylon underwear, the hoards of blonde women dying their roots black and covering themselves head-to-toe in animal print, nor the chance to have AK47s pointed at me for making irreverent comment about ex-KGB defence ministers which really enthused me, no. What did fill me with excitement (not the kind Stuart Barnes enjoys when he sees JSD on a team sheet) was the hope that moving to a place where the Cyrillic alphabet was king would mean no more letter W - and that because of this Wellingborough, Wales, Worcester Warriors, Watford and other black marks on the world's already highly questionable track record would cease to exist.

            This did not prove to be the case, and the Saints travel this weekend to Wycombe to face London Wasps PRFC in the final instalment of a troika of matches against teams with fair-weather fanbases built solely around a several-year-long pissing-distance contest aimed at the London orbital.

            Saints head to the wasteland of Adam's Park - think Grozny after the second Chechen war - looking for one W that certainly has disappeared - the one denoting a win in the away results section of the Guinness Premiership table. Since re-emerging from a horrendous year spent in the amateur rugby backwater of NL1, Saints have proved themselves worse travellers than the hoards of spiky-haired layabouts along Australia's Gold Coast who sit around bitching about capitalism while drinking crap beer and smoking low-grade pot bought on Daddy's Western Union money transfers, chalking up just a solitary losing bonus point on the road, and that to a Bristol team so dismally poor that most of their players must be worried about being called into the next EPS squad.

The history

 

            This inability to win away is the polar opposite to the Saints' home form, which has seen all comers since March 2007 leave Northampton empty-handed. In the first of this season’s meetings between the two teams back in round 3, PRFC suffered the same fate as all the others, going down 24-20 to Saints in a match whistled to death by an anal Chris White. White seemed so obsessed with controlling the minutiae of absolutely everything that I shudder to think what he's like in the bedroom. The closeness of the scoreline masked Wasps' complete refusal to cope with the Saints' intensity at the breakdown, and a PRFC victory would have been on the same level of injustice as people under 1.90m tall sitting in the emergency exit row on any flight over 30-minutes long - Wasps that day displayed a secondbestness normally only reserved for Northwest football teams that play in blue. (And Austin Healey.)

            In the September loss, Wasps again heavily relied upon their patented Cricket Strategy - exhibited previously during Saints last two away loses to PRFC - the Coventry Heineken Cup semi-final and Saints’ narrow loss at Adams Park (the only half-decent performance of the relegation season). This "Cricket Strategy" entails making the only bit of their game that actually matters a continual shouting-as-loud-as-they-can to influence refereeing decisions while engaging spasmodic gestures reminiscent of a French fin de siècle mime artist being electrified.

            Saints haven't won away at Wasps since 1999. To put that in perspective, in 1999 Bedford were still a premiership outfit, Steve Hanley seemed the future of English rugby, and the world hadn't yet realised that capitalism is shit. Our away form against PRFC is so bad that our performances in Wycombe, West London, or wherever it is the nomadic Pests are plying their trade at the time in question are without exception about as enjoyable as having "I ♥ the Notnots" branded on your forehead with molten rhenium by a grinning Brendan Venter. Backing a Saints win at Wasps has seemed about as pointless as betting on the Rugby League World Cup; on paper and in practice, it is going to take a monumental Saints effort to break the away win duck.

            Wins against Wasps aren't impossible, however. Indeed, the last time I saw the Saints in the flesh an aggressive, controlled Northampton team took the spoils glossed by a Myleresque display by his student Paul Grayson (and admittedly helped by a Welsh referee who actually penalised Lawrence Dallaglio for opening his mouth to question each and every whistleblow meaning Wasps needed to take the Trans-Siberian to get into the Saints' 22). That HEC quarter-final took place nearly nine years ago now, and if Saints have any intention to return to that competition via the league for the tin anniversary of their winning it, away wins have to start coming and start coming now.

The season so far

 

            Wasps wouldn't seem to be the ideal place to go looking for that elusive victory. So long as you ignore the fact that they're in the bottom four and are in two cup competitions less than the promoted team, PRFC are having a great season and ahead of the return fixture the English champions sit ninth in the table, one place and three points behind the Saints (although they do have two games in hand, one being an away trip to Bath earlier called off in an act of remarkable convenience almost as great as having the Hanging Judge presiding over the club's disciplinary hearings…)

            Both teams are coming off home wins - the Saints saw off newest Super Rugby franchise Saracens 20-15, while Wasps, made stronger by the absence of their England internationals, impressively dismissed a Leicester team so devoid of ideas they could have been television shows featuring Matt Dawson 36-29.

            The worrying omen for the Saints is that the day of the year that marks the start of the annual Wasps End-of-Season Revival™ (the date being officially decreed as the day the baying from a hatful of Johnny-cum-latelies in the West Midlands about having the best backline in world rugby fades to absolute silence) passed this year when the Warriors failed to sign Carlos Spencer.

            Saints will be hoping to delay Wasps' traditional late surge a little longer, and PRFC themselves are starting further back than they have in the past - Wasps may not even be playing Heineken Cup rugby next year - 11 words almost as good as a headline reading: '"London" "Irish" to play in Herts/Middlesex 2 from next season on'.

Wasps' period of (to the Gloucester supporter completely undeserved) consolidated success, which brings out the inner Daily Mail in me so much it is effectively rugby's version of TV's Big Brother (only without the viewing figures), is under severe threat, so much so the coaching team has been forced to take drastic measures - abandoning mid-week training sessions at Twyford Avenue in favour of petitioning the RFU to change the rules of the game regarding uncontested scrums to benefit them on a round-by-round, competition-by-competition basis.

The Shaun Edwards

 

            Wasps have struggled to utilise their traditional key weapon - a rush defence which relied on players pushing the offside line to limits unseen in all history - under the protocols in force this season, but to blame the aerial ping-pong flourishing under the ELVs for nullifying it and bringing down the Wycombe empire would be comparable to blaming Wagner for the Nazis. Still, the net result is that it presently looks as though the thing most resembling a cup likely to be seen at Adams Park this year will be Dean Ryan's head when he shows up to negotiate his deal to replace Ian McGeechan.

            Far more likely to be culpable for Wasps' slump is a stagnating coaching regime, which has yet to officially appoint LBND to the role of Messiah. DoR McGeechan is absent, having taken the 12-month sabbatical he will need to prepare in full the ludicrous press statement with which he will attempt to justify his selection of 21 England players and 13 Wasps in the Lions squad for this summer's tour to South Africa, while the bestest coach in the history of sport ever Shaun Edwards spent the entire first half of the season pontificating via the medium of moralising middle-class newspaper during an extended exploratory sojourn up his own backside. Only now, thanks to the Six Nations and exposure to players capable of adopting a fluid gameplan, does he look like escaping.

            It's unclear whether Edwards, who thinks so much of himself that he's applied via deed poll to have a definite article inserted before his first name, will return to the Wasps squad for the game to pace the touchline stone-faced like some gruff northern Westworld-era Yul Brynner while trying to influence the referee to award PRFC more favourable decisions on 50/50 calls than seen in a Munster Heineken Cup campaign. However, he is fully expected to join other Wasps whining in various facets of the fourth estate in the build-up to the game, given that the Wasps press office is as habitually indiscriminate in its choice of lovers as a barely pubescent Wellingburian single mother on the alcopops on a Saturday night.

            "Wasps are singularly entitled to win every game, with less account taken of the existence of a second team on the pitch than a Jonathan Davies commentary." These are the effective words that have been coming out of Edwards' mouth near constantly since he took over at the Buckinghamshire club. However, he and the Wasps' press office - both normally as omnipresent as people in Liverpool shirts jumping on the Welsh Grand Slam bandwagon and pretending Cardiff was actually a rugby town all along - have as yet been silent on the developments at PRFC this week, with a number of key playing staff taking Dallaglio's advice to Jonny Wilkinson and announcing that they are moving to teams that may actually win some silverware next year (or Brive). Could Wasps be facing seeing their star wane in a way only previously charted in history by one man - Peter Hook - who entered the 1980s as bassist for the world's best band, but who exited the decade as the backing to a John Barnes rap?

The teams - Wasps

 

            With Wasps able to field a team this Sunday containing several players who have played more internationals than Georgia, it would be errant to think PRFC are in anything like terminal decline. Casting an eye over possible team selection sees quality in every position on the pitch, but this is not to say there are not weaknesses the Saints can exploit. Ignorant of the EPS details as I am, I'm not sure exactly who can and can't play this week, but I expect Wasps to line up something like:

 

15. Dave WALDER

14. Chris Bishay

13. Dominic Waldouck

12. Josh LEWSEY

11. Tom VOYCE

10. Danny CIPRIANI

9.   Mark ROBINSON

 

1.  Tim PAYNE

2.  Rob Webber

3.  Pat Barnard

4.  Simon SHAW

5.  George Skivington

6.  Dan LEO

8.  John Hart

7.  Serge BETSEN (c)

 

Reps: 16. Ward 17. French 18. Birkett 19. Ellis 20. Simpson 21. Hoadley 22. van GISBERGEN

 

            Even if the EPS selections can't play, it's a hell of a line-up and explains why Wasps are the current champions. What it doesn't explain is Wasps' continual overrepresentation in the England team, regardless of their players' form or lack thereof.

            Walder, normally as popular a first choice as redheaded stepchildren, has hurt Saints in the past as is still redefining the job of back-up - he's someone I'd be happy to see in the GB&G. I'd expect him to start at full-back after Lewsey, who had an international retirement with a higher profile than the evening of his international career, had a nightmare at the back at FG. Josh has been playing inside centre of late, which must have really disillusioned the very talented Waldouck, who only re-signed to Wasps so he could see Riki Flutey turn the ball over after crabbing sideways in front of his line.  As much of a prospect as Waldouck is, unlocking his channel will be vital to beating Wasps - PRFC have been exposed before by teams using a varied kicking game to keep the game behind or inside the 13 and then quickly going wide. This plays very much to Stephen Myler's strengths.

            However, all eyes will be on Myler's fellow Saxons fly-half Danny Cipriani - the first non-Tibetan prepubescent ever to have his own propaganda machine. A run of charge downs and poor performances led to his contract negotiating position falling as fast as the rouble on $40 oil, so much so he appears to have been forced to stay at Adams Park next year, but with the weight of uncertainty over his future set to be lifted, the form has returned. Unfortunately, his new deal retains the clause that he must wear a scrum cap so that Wasps' Express-reading fans are able to tell the difference between him and Jonny Wilkinson.

            In the front row, Payne must be wondering just how ineffectual Sheridan has to be before he's dropped. Webber can't be too far behind Dylan in the queue to lick Lee Mears' stunted backside after shining in the chances afforded to him by the unfortunate retirement of club captain Rafael Ibañez. Ibañez, instantly identifiable for throwing the ball into lines out the same way that Stuart Barnes makes love (one-handed), will be a big loss to a unit which has always struggled with cohesion and the set piece. Former Saints prospect Barnard has again been perennially injured, but will have a point to prove - however, he's just the type of prop Tiny eats for breakfast these days.

            Shaw, who I imagine will start in the second row before being rested for the Lions tour, would in the past have meant straight away that Saints line-out ball would be snaffled, but Juandre Kruger is quick enough to negate some of Shaw's size and has the skills to secure our ball, at the very least. Wasps line-out is traditionally even worse than ours, and our newfound confidence in this area must be fully utilised.

            The back row has been Wasps' rock for years, but it is now where Saints can take them on and come out on top. Best vs. Leo will be physical, and Wasps have recently introduced a new loyalty test for their remaining fans by naming The Tripmeister as captain over club stalwart Hart. Will Worsley get a last run-out against Saints before he moves to Italy next year? It seems unlikely - as England's own Iestyn Harris (in that he has countless international caps to his name seemingly only granted for an ability to be constantly bailed out by his team mates) finally played a good game in a white shirt last weekend to go someway to making sure he isn't only remembered for being hit in the face.

The Hask, the G word

 

            It also looks as if travelling Saints fans will also be robbed of the chance of saying goodbye to Worsley's partner in the back row - former future England captain James 'the citing barometer' Haskell (himself another 'W'). Although in his own mind he should be starting at outside centre every week, Haskell is likely to be rested.

            That the man with biceps bigger than Wasps' training facilities won’t be playing won't mean his influence won't be felt. Inspired by The Great Wasp, himself inspired by The Great Geysir at Haukadalur, expect to see Haskell spouting off in the press to such an extent that hearing his name makes you want to rush to the Arctic with a jerry can of kerosene and a box of matches even more than the shrill imbecilic woman who somehow has a job commenting on Worcester games for BBC local radio.

            Some said the articles were a way to buck pass and an attempt to cover up his own failings on the pitch, but Haskell's critics were less kind, pointing out that for a top-level back row forward he has a shocking shortage of the essentials not seen since Billy in the immediate aftermath of the rake incident. Of course, Billy was still left with not inconsiderable endowments, and like his illustrious father LBND before him, Haskell has an eye for the line and a track record of causing Saints pain.

            Haskell is also likely to be missing due to on-field regulations meaning his lawyer cannot appear alongside him. Neil Best must be chomping at the bit to hit him harder than the credit crunch has hit Wasps' already precarious financial situation (it got so bad they were considering playing van Gisbergen at 13 to negate the need to pay for a back three), and Haskell, who sits firmly in the middle of the Venn Diagram for letting others take the heat and petty maliciousness, should probably not be too upset at a rest on Sunday.

            Two of the last three matches between the teams have resulted in lengthy bans for Saints players for making illegal contact with the eye, known as gouging to lazy journalists more concerned with sensationalism than the actual course of events (not unlike the disciplinary panels which hand out bans to Saints plays with higher entry points than tackles made by the Notnots’ Pacific contingent as part of a game whereby they attempt to pass down the longest sentence possible without inducing judicial review). The third game also saw Dallaglio wildly pointing at his retinas while pulling faces like the one pulled by Schwarzenegger in the scene from Total Recall where Quaid is ejected onto Mars' surface, although it is impossible to know whether he was alleging another transgression or asking the referee if he knew who he should be answering to instead of blowing his whistle at will. It would be nice if our only reason to meet Mr. Blackett again after the game is to steal his port.

The teams - Saints

 

            With Saints' international players only playing bit parts in the Six Nations so far (bench roles or playing for Scotland), I expect a full squad to be available to Mallinder for selection, bringing about a team looking something like this:

 

15.  Ben FODEN

14.  Paul Diggin

13.  Joe Ansbro

12.  James Downey

11.  Bruce REIHANA

10.  Stephen Myler

9.    Lee Dickson

 

1.  Tom SMITH

2.  Dylan HARTLEY

3.  Euan MURRAY

4.  Ignacio FERNANDEZ LOBBE (c)

5.  Juandre Kruger

6.  Mark Easter

8.  Roger WILSON

7.  Neil BEST

 

Reps: 16. Sharman 17. TONGA'UIHA 18. Day 19. Hopley 20. Dickens 21. Everitt 22. Clarke

 

            Foden has attracted in the press more inches of excitement than Девушка с Сюрпризом 2 did in the household of certain other not-quite ready England starlets, and I'd keep him in the media-decreed position of full back to bring him into the line to further the complication's to Waldouck's life Myler's kicking will cause. Completing the back three, Diggin has been running like Will Skinner's mouth and deservedly keeps his place, while I'd have Bruce starting ahead of Sean Lamont on the left if only because he's had more rugby in the past week than being told to go and stand for all the world like he's vertically dead for the Scotland A team.

            I hope we will be able to welcome back Ansbro - so far the biggest success story from an academy now boasting more young talent than a calendar depicting a Russian bank's secretarial pool in varying stages of undress. Harsh on Clarke to be dropped to the bench, but he can use the experience to prepare himself for being overlooked in favour of plodding one-dimensional centres for the England team, as his form now surely deserves. Inside centre picks itself - if you looked up James Downey in a Thesaurus you'd find "intense, solid, immovable" (incidentally the same three adjectives which described most of my movements after eating Syrian food all last week). Myler and Dickson form a 100% reliable, English half-back combination. Myler's range of kicks and Dickson's speed of delivery will be vital to keeping the Wasps back row out of the game.

            In the front row, Wasps are expected to call for uncontested scrums after about 10 second-half minutes of being made to breathe their own rectal gases by a concerted Tonga'uiha onslaught after he comes on, and I suggest him as a replacement as his work rate around the field will mean he still brings quality to the table when the Wasps propping injury crisis inevitably occurs. Tonga'uiha could well be the season's most improved player, and thanks to Nick Johnston now boasts a pair of thighs which wouldn't look out of place on a Saracens cheerleader. Hartley will be desperate for some rugby after being rested for the past two weeks as part of the EPS agreement and I'm hoping to see Eugene on the field for at least a half almost as much as Frank Hadden is. I don't know if Big Evil is fit, but if he is to leave him out would be as idiotic as the people who think it's somehow acceptable to take kids not old enough to go to the toilet on their own on intercontinental flights.

            Kruger has been a revelatory signing and his addition as Mr. Go-to combined with Dylan's newfound ability to throw means for the first team since we surprised every team we came across by throwing it to 7'1" Richard Metcalfe every single time, our line-out is now a strength not a weakness. Fernandez Lobbe has been an inspiration, and I'd have him bring his leadership to the captaincy to relieve the pressure on Bruce.

            The big battle is going to be the back row. Wasps' trio have struggled to come to terms with being refereed properly, and if we can again force them into their normal habit of flying off their feet at the breakdown, they should be consistently penalised like people who think it is ok to insist on reclining their chairs on planes the second they take off will be when I succeed Dmitry Medvedev as Russian president - giving Myler a field day. Best and Wilson are the fulcrum of Saints' best back-row since 2000, and the emergence of an injury free Mark Easter, who unlike his brother Nick (who would have made a cracking number 8 about 30 years ago when all that was required was to lean a little bit harder at scrum time) also brings versatility, has been a real boon of this season.

The match day experience

 

            In the worst piece of rugby news for Saints fans since it was announced that Andrew Blowers had signed for a team playing in Reading FC shirts with a representation of Charlie Dimmock’s third most famous feature sewn to the front – this match is not going to be televised, so you’ll either have to rely on the weather reports interspersed by the intermittent and goddamn appalling commentary the frankly laughable Radio Noddy seems to want to pass off as rugby coverage, or take the plunge and go down to Wycombe yourself, being careful not to avail yourself of the possibility of driving straight past on the M40.

            So, for those unfortunate enough to actually be going to the match, what can you expect?

            Adams Park belies its idyllic underhill setting by being a toilet that sits on a cul-de-sac at the end of an industrial estate which makes Prypyat look like Manhattan. Purchasing a ticket for a game at the stadium is much like purchasing a ticket for a long-haul flight on Aeroflot - in doing so you enter into a contract whereby you agree to be treated like absolute crap for the entire duration, all the while surrounded by a group of boorish, unjustifiably well-off, half-cut middle managers. Only these ones have cowbells, which they ring at decibel levels as loud as Worcester fans would have you believe they are at away matches.

If you have committed an act in this life so hideous it would normally see you reincarnated as something as lowly as a Twickenham debenture holder and you therefore decide to go on the day to forestall this punishment, it will not be difficult to pick up a ticket on the gate (Do not under any circumstances whatsoever attempt to buy your tickets from the Wasps ticket office unless you want to be rung by them forevermore begging for your support because you once spent some money at their ground) - the number of Wasps season ticket holders has plummeted to just 23 on the back of Dallaglio's retirement. Official attendance figures may be higher than those at Little Bath and Newcastle, but it should be noted that the numbers do include the 4-5,000 fans who attend each game convincingly disguised as empty blue plastic seats.

It is possible to drink with other Wasps fans at the ground - you'll find them outside in plastic tents normally seen only at Ukrainian political rallies. They'll be the ones doing boat races with beer served in cans at temperatures so warm they have presumably been incubated in a small greenhouse heated by Rob Andrew's face as he attempts to explain away another 6N embarrassment. If Cider's your thing, you can also get a shot of Strongbow set in a pint glass of ice for the July 2008 price for a barrel of Brent.

Once inside the ground, your experience will be soundtracked by the constant chatter of people in brand new Wasps baseball caps asking "which one is Lawrence?" and "how many points for a try?", the ringing of mooloos, and Neanderthal Oggy! Oggy! Oggy! chants (with subsequent applause). If you're lucky, you may also get to see a Proper Wasps Fan (one who has been bussed in from Acton on a red double-decker while laughing uproariously at his own jokes) hitting opposing players with a rolled up newspaper. A Wasp hitting someone with a newspaper - oh, sweet irony!

After the game there is a six or seven-hour wait to get out of the car parks. Entertainment is provided to make this time pass quicker; normally by a tattooed oaf driving a 4x4 with bull bars the size of Liechtenstein attempting to hit a fellow Wasps supporter because she entered the queue to run over pedestrians one place in front of him. If you can get out before daybreak Monday, there is the possibility to enjoy the pleasures of Wycombe. Personally, having long since forgotten the true reality of the horror of Home Counties England, I can't tell you much about it, and will instead have to assume that Wycombe is a dystopian commuter belt new town whose street map was drawn to exactly replicate the pattern formed by the remaining wisps of hair on Lawrence Dallaglio's head.

The prediction

 

            Wasps are definitely beatable, and if Saints do win, writing the review for this match will be the best job outside of being the guy at the UKPA who is employed solely to cross out 'Welsh' and 'Scottish' from the nationality section on British passport applications. However, despite having complete and heartfelt dyspathy with Wasps' current plight, the chances of a Saints win this weekend would seem to be as unlikely to be realised as Worcester fans' transfer ambitions. A loss will effectively leave us cut-off in the bottom four and mean our Heineken aspirations will remain hinging on hopes the Blues lose two cup semi-finals.

            The Soviet regime c. 1922-53 would have known what to do with the problem of Wasps. Whilst it near certainly would have involved relocation, it is unlikely to have been somewhere as pleasant as Wycombe. However, half the Wasps squad are or have been away in the rugby equivalent of the Gulag for the past three weeks (training sessions involving John Wells), so there is hope yet, but new super close-knit team or not, I find it hard to believe we can aim for more than a losing bonus point at Wasps until I see a report recording our victory there.

            Our last performance somewhere near the capital was so shockingly awful it surely can't be repeated - I sincerely hope - and while I'm certain Jim and Nobby have a plan up their sleeves (sellotaping a piece of paper reading "THEIR FANS TAKE F*@%ING COWBELLS TO RUGBY MATCHES, FFS" to the changing room wall would be a good start), I'm going to predict Wasps 22 Saints 13 for my final score and a hundred articles proclaiming Wasps have truly returned to world's best club status and a poster campaign showing Cipriani in the Lions' 10 shirt to have appeared by 12:00 GMT Monday. But I'd love it if I were wrong…

The links

 

            *** Dixiewasp knows so much about all things Wasps that he even knows they were once part of Harlequins. Click here to thank him for his excellent and exhaustive guide for away supporters which alone singularly negated the need for me to put anything of any factual use whatsoever into this preview.

 

            *** Want to comment on how the existence of French rugby makes you want to rip up your season ticket while hoping beyond hope that Barney will suddenly reappear and tell you everything is going to be alright? The Wasps sportnetwork site can be found here.

 

            *** Do you only watch rugby for the duration of the Six Nations each year and make the match on the off weekend your one live taste of club rugby? Buy your Drunken Wasps supporters' shirt with your board name and the number 69 on the back here.

 

            *** For information on the sponsor of this preview, who will personally target half the world's nuclear arsenal at Buckinghamshire if Wasps continue Saints' abominable away streak, click here.