By St Dormouse
November 20 2014
After a home defeat to Exeter Chiefs last time out, Aviva Premiership Champions Northampton Saints are looking to bounce straight back on the "W" horse this weekend with a trip down to Barnet to face last season's end-of-season table toppers Saracens. Pull up a bar stool and make yourself comfy as valued COYSDC contributor, St Dormouse, takes a novel look ahead to Sunday's match...
SARACENS vs. NORTHAMPTON SAINTS
AP: Sunday, 23rd November 2014 - 1pm (BT)
ALLIANZ PARK, BARNET
MATCH PREVIEW
“Cor I’ve got a mouth like a tramps armpit,” said Mark to his mate Jimmy.
“Do you fancy popping into the Local for a quick pint and a packet of dry roasted?”
“Fine idea,” replied Jimmy. “We can discuss Sunday’s match with a few old chums.”
So, without further ado, the pair ambled over to the welcoming warmth of the Fez ‘n’ Halo and ordered 2 pints of Fiddlers Elbow before settling into their favourite armchairs by the fire.
“Hi Mark, how you doing?” asked Mac standing at the bar with a couple of mates.
“I’m okay thanks,” replied Mark, “I’ve brought my mate Jimmy in from Northampton for a pint and a chat”
“So what sort of teams do you think we’ll get this weekend?” asked Jimmy, munching on soggy pork scratching.
“Well to be honest with you Jim, we were able to put out a pretty good team last week against Tigers, so I can’t see too many changes,” replied Mark. “England have pinched Wigglesworth but we still have Hodgson who is making a mockery of Farrell’s selection and Goode is doing well at fullback.
Ashton and Strettle are both experienced finishers and Wyles and Bosch are creative in the middle although perhaps not as strong defensively as Brad Barritt. Northampton have experienced Bosch’s siege gun boot in the past and will know they cannot give penalties away on half way. Then there’s Duncan Taylor waiting to come on as well.”
“With mighty siege guns we will push those crooks and mercenaries back into the swamp!” proclaimed a moustachioed fellow in combat fatigues and a beret leaning against the bar sipping lime cordial.
“Who’s that?” asked Jimmy.
“That’s Comical Ali”, replied Mac, wiping foam from his whiskered chin. “He’s been out of work since 2003 but Ed has given him a job in public relations and marketing. He’s fitted in perfectly.”
“The broom of the Saracen shall sweep all infidels before it from the hallowed plastic of Barnet”, continued Ali, foaming at the mouth and turning red.
“What about your backs Jim, I see you have a few missing?” asked Mark
“Unfortunately we have quite a few out at the moment although Burrell has been returned to us so the starting line up could be Dickson, Myler, Burrell, Stephenson, Elliott, Wilson and Foden. Not bad when you look at it but a lot depends on the game plan on the day.” said Jimmy. “Fancy another pint?”
“Mine’s a dram,” piped in Mac, “and Ned here will have a pint, and a cordial for Ali”
“Sorry can’t do a round, the Misses has me on a strict spending cap when it comes to the pub”, complained Jimmy.
“Oh we don’t worry about things like that down here, just slip the barman half an ounce of old shag and a copy of this year’s ‘Ladies of Lidl’ charity calendar and he’ll overlook the odd quid”, offered Mark Helpfully.
On his return from the bar Jimmy brought the conversation round to the forward packs for Sunday’s match.
“That’s where you have us at a distinct disadvantage”, he said. “I don’t have any issues with the starting front row so much, Waller, Haywood and Ma’afu are a match for most but we are lacking somewhat in the back five compared to your lot. With Fisher, Dickinson and James Craig injured and Woody and Lawes with England we are struggling a bit. Manoa and Clark can cover second row with Christian Day and the youngsters Ben Nutley and Teimana Harrison are super players to have on your side but have nowhere near the experience of some of your lot. Last week Dowson played at eight, unfortunately he doesn’t have the impact of the three more regular guys.”
“You’re right there Jimmy,” replied Mark. “We are able to put out a back row of Jackson Wray, Burger and Kelly Brown, not to mention the returning Billy Vunipola. In the second row we can bring out Alistair Hargreaves, Mouritz Botha and Big Jim Hamilton. There are a lot of caps among that lot. We might even see Mako Vunipola making a return but if not we still have Barrington, Welsh prop Rhys Gill, Argentinean Juan Figallo, and Petruss Du Plessis , along with young Saxon Jamie George and a certain Bret Sharman to make up the front row. Scary, I think you’ll agree.”
“Gulp!”
“What’s all the fuss in the corner” enquired Jimmy, changing the subject. “Oh that’s the pub dart’s team,” replied Mark. “One of the players put his foot over the oche but Steve, the skipper, says it was nowhere near the white line even though everybody knows it was. To be honest Steve has still got a Mardy on after finishing top of the pub league last year but being pipped in the final by Alex from ‘The Crooked Hooker.’
“Final thoughts then?”
“I think it’s going to be a tough day at the office for Saints”, said Mark. “Saracens hold all the aces; they will be gunning for revenge, they are playing at home and they have an almost complete international line up with more on the bench”
“I think your right”, agreed Jimmy. “This year Saints don’t really seem to be up for the away matches and appear to be happy just grinding out unconvincing wins. Last week at home against Exeter they were poor and kept kicking the ball away, rarely competing for it with a decent chase. If they do that this week then we will see a cricket score. However it has been known for Saints to come to Allianz Park and shock an over confident Saracens side so don’t write them off just yet. I’m sure there will a few guys with a point to prove and plenty of travelling support to cheer them on.
“As long as they don’t bring ‘Bernie’s Gang’ down with them,” mumbled Mac. “All baseball caps and green foam paws, I tell you they make Peaky Blinders look like the St Winifred’s School Choir. Last time one of the little blighters poked his foam paw at me so aggressively I couldn’t blow my Vuvuzela for a week! I’m still in therapy”
By the end of this weekend any one of four teams could be top of the table. The winner of this one will probably deserve to be there.
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Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. No camels were hurt in the writing of this article.
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