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News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9

By Ben_D
February 14 2015

“Life is a minestrone wrapped up in parmesan cheese, death is a cold lasagne suspended in deep freeze.” So advised 10cc in their seventies classic and if tonight’s game could be couched in similar terms then it was only a sheet of pasta and a cheesy topping away from Creme and Stewart’s famous metaphor and maybe not even that.




Aviva Premiership Round 14

Northampton Saints v London Irish

Friday 13th February Franklin's Gardens 

KO 7:45 pm (No Side some time on Valentine's Day)


Had Broadchurch detectives Hardy and Miller been present then casual bystanders might well have been told to move along - there’s nothing to see here. Truly a crime had been committed and it was too gruesome for even the most hardened of observers to take.

There were three suspects on the night; an indifferent visitor from Reading whose attempt to feign interest in the evenings events frustrated the local man. The local man who did nothing but arouse suspicion by virtue of his profligate behaviour and shoddy attempts to conceal the evidence, and finally the investigating officer who spent so much time pursuing the minutiae of the evening that his failure to recognise the blatantly obvious, nearly inspired further on-pitch criminal activity.

The victim was nearly dead on arrival as the misty midland rains induced little inspiration for an evening, that somehow all present knew would reveal a body void of life. Despite repeated attempts at resuscitation Rugby had passed away and the silver strands that danced and decorated the grey grass beneath the suspect’s, were but tears from the sporting gods who openly mourned a game that was brutally sacrificed at the hands of the accused and their distant six nations accomplices. If it’s going to continue in this vain then tickets during this period of the season should be of a decently cheap variety, Premiership standard this was not.

Even the famous lift tower appeared to avert its gaze as if it could no longer be a party to the events so many metres below. It was testament to the stomachs of thirteen odd thousand supporters that the ground remained occupied for as long as it did. I can’t decide what about the evening disturbed me the most? The London Irish side who appeared to be playing a match in a completely different time zone, the home side who’s blatant refusal to make the most simple things look just that, or Andrew Small’s observation of parity in all areas of the game, not least the scrum which appeared to be the subject of a twelve and two sixes count between the two sides. The consequence of which was to acquiesce to the Irish game plan and magnify the frustrations of the home side.

That’s not to say that Saints (despite two tries) weren’t the biggest offenders on the night, indeed a five-point win could have easily been carved out by half time but for woeful passes from Fotuali'i, (50 appearances, 43 points, 67 haircuts) poor decisions in midfield, terrible knock-on’s from 1 to 15 and flat rank kicking. Even the reliable Myler allowed his homing sensors to become affected at one stage.

The fans did their best to remain resolute in the face of such offences against the senses but eventually even they succumbed to the morass and had London Irish not knocked on over the line with six minutes remaining I don’t think they’d have cared.

Northampton secured the win and so I am prepared to have the memory this match tempered by the glimmer of a rapidly fading four points, but its contribution to the sport could be recorded on the back of a postage stamp with a fat felt tip pen. Back to the minestrone. Please?


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News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9 (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 09:36
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Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
St Marlowe (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 09:52
Many thanks, Mr D - not least for your fortitude. I had lost the will to live by half-time, so your "stickability" and perception in producing a report with more than a passing nod to accuracy and humour is gratefully received.

David L

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- Live wrong and preposterously

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
OldPete (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 10:11
you have captured the not so latent criminality of the evening perfectly

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
SaintED (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 10:21
Agree with St Marlowe. Well done to Ben D for a very good report. The Kahn "haircuts" line even got a chuckle which I thought I would struggle to find after that performance. Good work fella.

Jim is right "lucky" is probably the best description.

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Howlin (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 11:44
Spot on Ben well done. A match to be forgotten, four points banked, move along please.

Saint 'til I die

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Dave Jackson (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 12:08
Good report much better than the match itslef

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
NorthHertsSaint (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 12:19
I can't help but think that things would have been different had WB been refereeing this. Put two of the front row in the bin early doors (one from each team and it doesn't really matter why or which ones but our tight head being one of them please), ping the Oirsh for time wasting, and just maybe, maybe, it would have spurred both teams into some sort of a game.

Oh, and I am certainly not saying that it was all Small's fault.

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Bartonsaint (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 12:55
An excellent report - a far higher standard than the game itself. Well done!

Eif Jones
Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Eif Jones (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 13:11
No NorthHS, the Saints front row were under pressure in most scrums and their response was to get in the first drive even if it was usually before the ball was put in. It was the Saints front row who were the culprits and deserved the yellow cards.

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Bartonsaint (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 14:23
Same old anti-Saints message from our Welsh friend! You obviously didn't notice Court turning towards the tunnel at every scrum in the first half and falling straight to the ground!

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Christy (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 15:20
super write up = wouldn't have thought humour about that match was possible but you made me chuckle. Re Kahn and haircuts - every time he changes it I wonder who our new player is.

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Garracc (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 18:42
just watched jims interview, the end bit was very enlightening as to why dicksons game has degenerated so much this season in my opinion. In reference to the end of the game with a minute and a half to go when we had been under pressure for what seemed like ages our forwards had put in a monumental effort and driven irish from our 5 metre line to well over the 22 only for dickson to kick it straight back to them and set up another attack, he said it was a great effort and a great kick and chase! Really! Personally I would ban box kicking from the game, i can count on one hand the times it results in a try. I can see absolutely no point in it, especially 6 points up with 1 minute left, what on earth are you trying to achieve. Keep the damn ball when you have got it, you spend half the game trying to get it anyway, cut down on the effort required and play with the thing when its in your hands.

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Saint Tim (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 19:55
That is one cracking report.

“Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.”

Benjamin Franklin

Tetleys Block F E143

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
HRsaints fan (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 20:35
Brilliant report Ben. Made up for the fact that there were two hours of my life on Friday night that I won't get back.

Flinstone Saint
Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Flinstone Saint (IP Logged)
14/02/2015 21:14
Proof that you can make a silk purse out of a pig's ear. Well done, well written :-)


Please sponsor me for Saints with Heart []

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2015:02:15:09:53:57 by Flinstone Saint.

Ian Spokes
Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Ian Spokes (IP Logged)
15/02/2015 09:11
Very good report, thank you.

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
StMidge (IP Logged)
15/02/2015 16:52
Thank you for making me smile so much after a dire, dour evening.

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
St Dormouse (IP Logged)
16/02/2015 08:52
I said to Mrs.D on the way home that I was glad I didn't have to report on that dirge. That you made such a great job (as Wilma says silk purse etc) is a credit to you sir.
Ps is there any chance of suing London Irish using the trades description act?

Re: News: Prime Suspects - Saints 15 Irish 9
Bob Stainsby (IP Logged)
16/02/2015 13:24
The only way to write friday night's stodge and a very good read especially considering the performance of all involved. If I had been sir I recon at 50/60 minutes (when it felt like 90) I would have blown no side declared a draw and suggested over the PA we should all adjourn to the bar. As Malcolm said 4 points (lucky indeed) move on expunge the event from memory.

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