TEN MINUTES FROM HEAVEN....

BRISTOL RUGBY 16 NORTHAMPTON SAINTS 19

We did, however, only get 15 minutes of it, but in the great scheme of things that turned out to be more than enough to take the Saints into next seasons Heineken European cup.

As your writer tried to come to terms with what had been quite frankly the Jimmies’ worst performance of the season followed by the most complete collapse by a team that I've ever had the misfortune to witness, I found myself thinking back to the opening tussle of the season between these two teams way back in October. It was a game which Northampton lost in the dying minutes after Bristol had substituted their key players and taken the foot off the accelerator. Sadly Richard Hill hadn't learned any lessons when taking on the Saints and duly did exactly the same thing once again.

It was the comeback of all comebacks. It really is hard to explain just how down and out Northampton looked with 20 minutes to go. If you look up the phrase 'trying too hard' in any international phrase book you should see a picture of Damo Browne huffing and puffing around the pitch like a madman. Damo was the epitome of Northampton's passion and desire but somehow when ever things went well, something would invariably occur to ruin all of the hard work.

Anyway let’s start at the beginning shall we?

As we kicked off (precisely on the stroke of 3pm, thanks very much Mr Barnes you anal ******) there seemed a sense of expectation from both sets of supporters filling the ground, it seem to spread to the pitch as Bristol and Northampton both looked to take on each other wide out, a kind of feeling each other out but with rapiers rather than the usual bludgeon which is more common around the premiership.

Toops took to his usual role of putting a mouthy so and so in his place right from the off, Regan got a smack in the mouth, (which I'm sure many a Saints supporter would love to have given him. What is it about Toops that helps him to endear himself to the bosom of the Saints fans - but lumping people in the fizzog?) but that didn't stop the scourge of the saints as he helped lead his Bristol team in the opening chance of the game which fell to Marco Stanojevic looked odds on to score in the corner as the ball was spun wide and a two on one was exploited but as Stanojevic was fortunately spanked into touch by the cover tackle of BRUCE! But it set the tone for the day as Bristol, not always, but often, went for Northampton out wide and kept the ball for long periods of the game.

Now previously when I've had the misfortune to be present at a game being refereed by young Mr Barnes I had noted to myself how incredibly fond of scrums and lineouts he was yet point blankly refused to actually referee said set pieces. Today was no exception. The opening scrums showed that Barnes was more interested in making celeb friends than actually showing the players he was the boss. It once again set the tone for his refereeing for the rest of the afternoon.

Northampton looked to set and scrummage as low as possible, Bristol, not fancying that at all either simply wouldn't engage or would drop the scrum.

The result of this being Barnes losing patience with the Saints wanting to get on with it and play the game, and giving Bristol a free kick. Which meant (being a rather frequent occurrence throughout the game) no-one was allowed to take a quick one from behind the mark whatsoever all day, nope, not happening. There was absolutely no way Mr Barnes was going to allow the game to pick up pace or to flow, making for a quite dull and ponderous opening half.

Ten minutes in and Bristol were on the attack deep inside the Jimmies’ 22 with a scrum awarded. The Saints foraged one against the head as Danny and Pat dropped their shoulders on the Bristol front row and sneaked one back which Los "banana'ed" into touch. From the lineout however Mr Barnes decided to penalize the Saints for pulling down the maul as Danny and Toops sacked the drive.

Jason Strange, a man with a boot like an Exocet stepped up and plonked over the penalty to make the score 3 nil to the home side and to be honest it was fully deserved, Saints were looking a little flat and were struggling to find some cohesion. This was typified by saints as they pushed up field off a lineout and once again caught a case of the butterfingers as Monty took a turn at knocking on with the try line almost in sight. This sad state of affairs continued as Ben also found the time and opportunity to knock on as he attempted to catch a pass around his ankles from the usually consistent Quins.

But it didn't stop there, as any kind of calm or consistency seemed to go completely out of the window as Dan Browne offered Sambucetti a freebie as he intercepted his pass, which would have put Bristol in real trouble, had it eventually gone wide. Thankfully Sammy and Dan were able to double back and tackle Sambucetti and eventually a turnover gave Dan another opportunity to do his terrific Bambi on ice impression as he danced, jinked and spun forwards and led to the Saints’ best few phases of possession in the first half.

Finally Northampton looked to get a grip on the game and some of the Jimmies’ big names like Ben Cohen, Los, Sharky and BRUCE! got hold of the ball and played their way out of trouble, Saints battered the Bristol line to no avail. A penalty conceded by the Brizzlers was punted into the corner and Damo and the boys huffed and puffed with all of their might. Sadly Bristol’s defence was much better than the one that took the field against Bath a few weeks ago. Saints pushed the ball wide but once again Bristol’s defence was up to the task and were able to force a knock on which was punted up field and we started all over again. And as BRUCE! followed up with ball and hit contact he knocked on a rarity. But when BRUCE! is having a bad day, you can’t help but get that feeling in the pit of your stomach which Saints Supporters normally feel when at Twickenham in a Cup final which is 20 minutes in and 20 points down. It felt like it was going to be a long afternoon. Considering that we were only 25 into the game that feeling proved right.

Bristol reconvened inside the Saints half and pressed up and into the 22 with some burly and manly drives led in no small part by Matt Salter, who for my money was the best player on the pitch by a country mile.

If you ever get caught up in a pub with a selection of Wasps fans who endlessly go on and on about the ability of 'Doh Worzelly' perhaps you might like to point out the tackle count of Salter (who leads his team with honour and pride and when he get hit in the mouth by Neil Back doesn't go on and on about it) whilst also bemoaning the fact that he's not in the 95 man touring party for the British Lions like some French Duke who has lost his favourite hanky.

But I digress,

Bristol’s domination in the opening half hour continued as the Saints found themselves offside at the side of the breakdown and Strange had no problems whatsoever doing the honours and knocking it over from the edge of the 22.

From the kick off Bristol stayed on the front foot as the fussy and inconsistent Barnes decided to ignore Bristol’s forwards flying into the breakdowns off their feet , coming in from the side of the ruck and also allowed them to stop and start their rolling truck and trailer at will.

Moments later as Stanojevic found space out wide from the edge of a ruck he decide to imagine a forward pass which Mr Barnes felt was as dubious as John Prescott's sexual past. Barnes has a funny way of evening things out but it wasn't to last long as Bristol battered the Saints line with fire and brimstone from on high. Eventually after all of Bristol’s forwards had been given either a dart of a trundle at the line Stanojevic had the good idea to hit the line at pace and flopped over to the right of the posts. Jason Strange once again stepped up to add the formalities and pinged one nicely through the posts. With 35 minutes gone Bristol were well in charge as score board read BRISTOL RUGBY 13 NORTHAMPTON SAINTS a BIG FAT 0.

From the kick off a sense of urgency seem to hit the Saints players who had suddenly realised they were losing and that with the ref making this game a lottery 13 points was one hell of a lead. The urgency seemed to quickly turn to panic as the final 5 minutes of the half dawned upon the below par Jimmies. Once again Northampton were able to put together a few phases of play without Barnes peeping on his pea-box, the most notable of these being the marauding run of the legendary Wee Tam powered his we down the wing and executed a delightful switch with Dan Browne and opened up space for an overlap to develop on the left hand side of the pitch. As Los passed it wide into the waiting arms of Clarkie it all seemed to be opening up for him as he sprinted towards the corner. Just as Clarkie dived over the line as he tried to avoid the despairing tackle of Stortoni he tickled the touchline with his left Nike mercurial Talaria boot. No try. Barnes peeped once again on his pea-box and everyone trudged off for a cup of tea, pint or if you were a Saints supporter a jar of meths. Personally I just settled for a pee...

As the second half started the Saints made the first of many substitutions from both sides which saw everyone other than Robbie Kydd get a game. Off came Danny boy for Wally and Chicken came on for the injured Pat. But if the management thought it would make much of a difference I'm sorry to say it didn't. As Saints once again infringed at the side of the ruck, once more Strange stepped up and plopped over the penalty to make it what seemed an insurmountable 16 nil lead.

The game was now nothing but a selection of players going through the motions, playing for penalties and field position. Players came and went, water boys and phyisios wandered on and off and Barnes wandered around the pitch peeping indiscriminately at anyone who socks were not correctly position at the top of their calves. It was as dull as watching pride and prejudice in Japanese. By this time your writer had chewed his own arm off in shear boredom and was looking at the back of his own brother’s neck which was now looking terribly tempting. It was so awe strikingly dull that I considered many a peculiar question which had vexed me through nights of insomnia. if you unscrew your belly button does you bum fall off? If you drive for 500 miles at 90 MPH southerly from Manchester how long would it take for you to get a numb bum? why are jumpers made from real wool always so blooming itchy?

I'll be honest with you, I'd almost lost the will to live, there's only so much surfing for porn you can do on your mobile phone you know, and it doesn't take long for you to accidentally find yourself on a website about hirsute women.

This is what happens when the RFU place a potentially entertaining game in the hands of a whistle happy madman. 20 minutes of rugby so poor and dull and fragmented and uncohesive you would have expected it from the moz memorial match, not from two premiership teams. Strangely enough it was only 10 minutes on the game clock, which meant there was still plenty of time for shenanigans and tomfoolery.

And all of a sudden, things started to pick up. Off came Dave Hilton to rapturous and deserved applause, and the Bristol scrummage started to soften. Saints held out against two battering attacks on their line, Bristol seemed unable to land the killer blow. The Saints puffed out their chests a little and began to think,

'We're in with a sniff here'

And once again just as Saints were getting a grip on the game something happened to stop any kind of turn around dead in its tracks. Sammy Harding was sin binned after questioning the referee’s parentage. Unfortunately for Bristol this incident was actually the impetus needed for the comeback to beat all comebacks.

The introduction of the zippy little Johnny Howard and the punchy Dav Gerard helped the Jimmies to push deep into the Bristol half of the field.

Off came Darren Crompton and again the Bristol scrummage lost a great deal of its beef and tenacious nature. Neil Clark was sin binned by Barnes in a desperate attempt at trying to enforce the law, so good of him to start doing it in the final 20 rather than the opening 20. The Saints struck hard with wide moves as the game finally opened up as subs struggled to come to the pace of the game as it was immediately upped on their arrival. (smart move that,) Monty bazooka'ed down the wing as the slightest hint of an over lap was found and eventually exploited as Monty offloaded to Wally who fought off 3 cover tackles to explode over the line.

A lovely try, any thoughts of nipping off early to the bar well and truly gone and the very slightest hint of a comeback as the thoughts of that EEC league game back in October entered my mind.

How long is left?

Well, according to the clock that I can see 1 minute, oh well stranger things have happened, apparently the ill-placed count down clock said there were 10, had I known that I would have felt a lot better, but still, Monty soon sorted that out, thanks to some help from the much maligned John Rudd. Rhino received the ball from a kick after the restart and gave Stanojevic a forearm smash that Pat Lam would have been proud of. He followed that with some bedazzling footwork that dazzled the chiropractor where he stood. Rhino bounded through the tackles of Dan Ward Smith and Sam Cox and burst head long into the Bristol half and beautifully shipped on the ball to BRUCE! who careered forwards and was eventually tackled, little Johnny, who really seemed to be enjoying himself out there, spat the ball out to Monty who shaved through two desperate cover tackles, broke the line and zipped under the post to rapturous applause from the Saints support in the South stand.

By now with 5 to play Bristol had become a punch-drunk fighter, desperately looking to grab hold of their opponent to kill time and just hang on, hang on, hang on.

But unlike the game in October where the Saints had left it too late, this time they'd time their run to perfection as each drive and carry made massive inroads into the Bristol defence. Bristol's scrummage had now fallen apart and the Saints 8 man drive was battering them into submission. Wally galvanized his pack of ravenous warriors for one last push as a penalty is awarded under the posts and on the edge of the 22 and decided to opt for the scrum.

In the ball went and the forwards powered onwards and upwards as Bristol buckled, The ball flew out towards Los' who softly put Quins through a gap as he powered towards the line and only a valiant gang tackle stopped him from going over himself. From a quick breakdown the ball was spun into the middle of the pitch where Wally and Lordy both drove for the line and Lordy offloaded to Ben who thundered over the line for the try which not only won the match but took Northampton into the European cup. BRUCE! added the formalities and gave the Saints a 3 point lead, as well as breaking Bristol hearts.

Whilst the anally challenged Mr Barnes still found time to play an additional 4 minutes of the game, the result was now never in doubt as Northampton looked after the ball and backed themselves to force Bristol into errors. Eventually Mr Barnes put his whistle to his lips and peeped a little peep which was so sweet to hear.

Sitting here now in front of the my PC I still think it was a stinker of a game and that we were very, very lucky. The strength of character to come back from the jaws of defeat with a win speaks volumes about this team and how far they've come from an opening day drubbing by the Tigers. At the start of the season most supporters hoped we would steer clear of a relegation dogfight and if we were lucky sneak into the European cup. Well, Job Done! Next week the boys have the opportunity to go out in front of the Franklin's faithful and just play, win or lose, play free of any pressure.

Hopefully we will all get the chance to say thank you to the boys for all of their hard work and congratulate them on how far they've come in such a short time.

Bristol:

Stortoni

Robinson

Higgitt

Cox

Stanojevic

Strange

Perry

Hilton

Regan

Crompton

Sambucetti

Winters

Salter (capt)

Short

Lewis

Replacements: Irish, Clark, Clarke, Morgan, Ward-Smith, Gray, Lima.

Northampton:

Reihana (capt)

Lamont

Clarke

Quinlan

Cohen

Spencer

Robinson

Smith

Richmond

Barnard

Damo Browne

Lord

Tupai

Harding

Dan Browne.

Replacements: Thompson, Budgen, Gerard, Fox, Howard, Kydd, Rudd.

Referee: Wayne Barnes

MoM - Lazarus 

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