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It's Panto time

By Ivor Scoop
December 24 2018

Extra special bonus story for Christmas. Courtesy of John Everton, this story first appeared in the 22/12/2018 Sale Sharks v Bristol Bears match programme.

Dastardly deeds have occurred in the Canton of Carrington, a pleasant rice farming hamlet to the South West of St. Retford.


The heroes of the local laundry, Robbee-Dik Sun and Pete R.Lan, have been reported missing. There is nobody around and the kits of famous local egg chasers Denny Onwing, Big Phill See and Ashee Splashee are lying round in muddy heaps.


From a nearby police station in Davyhulme, Detective Me Pong Great Lee reported, “We suspect a local gang, believed to be involved in this case. We’re on the lookout for their leader Steve Dyer Mond and some of his trusted cohorts – Mike Four Sure, Paul.D.Conn and P. Tan Gullsee.”


In the meantime, the crisis is temporarily being solved by actors a few miles down the road in the production by the Parting Tun Players of

“A Lad in Trouble”, starring Dori Ann West as Widow Twankey and her son Wishee Washee, played by Wee Josh Bo Mont.


As we approached the hall, the actors were rehearsing their lines. A copy of the ‘script’ was lying on a chair. We had Sneakee Peekee. It read:


Scene 5: In the Widow’s Laundry. Amidst the vests and underwear, including long johns and drawers, there are lines of navy blue, red and white rugby kits hanging as far as the eye can see. There is steam everywhere as the red-faced Widow, who is having trouble with her dentures, is bustling about. Wishee Washee enters.


Wishee: “What have you got there, Ma?”

Widow: “I’ve got the shirts, shorts and shocks of the Shale Sharks.”


Unfortunately, due to the widow’s problems with her teeth, Wishee is in the firing line to become a little damp with all the spray. Water is squirted on from the wings for emphasis. Wishee dashes off to pick up an umbrella which he collects from a stagehand, whose arm sticks out from the wings. He brings it onstage (Laughter)


Wishee: “Sorry, Ma – what was that again?”   He puts the umbrella up. “Whose shirts, shorts and shocks?”

Widow: “Shocks? What are you shaying? You shtupid shausage… I shaid the shirts, shorts and shocks of the Shale Sharks…..”   Wishee lowers the umbrella and shakes it out pointedly. (Laughter)

Wishee: “How are they doing?

Widow: (pointing to the bloomers) “Not too many drawers……” (groans all around)

Wishee: “You shure?”

Widow: “Yes, I’m shertain….”

Wishee: “Shirt and collar…….” Runs away.

Widow chases Wishee off. Cue suitable music. Curtains open on next scene……..


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