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3rd April 2020

RFU Confirmed Newcastle Falcons’ promotion to the Gallagher Premiership for the 2020-21 season


O/T more humour
Discussion started by lechef , 03 April, 2020 13:13
O/T more humour
lechef 03 April, 2020 13:13
>> HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>> _______________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>> WITNESS: July 18th.
>> ATTORNEY: What year?
>> WITNESS: Every year.
>> _____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>> _________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> WITNESS: I forget..
>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>> ___________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>> ____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
>> WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
>> ___________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>> _________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> WITNESS: Getting laid
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> WITNESS: None.
>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> WITNESS: By death..
>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> WITNESS: Take a guess.
>> ___________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
>> _____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>> _________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>> WITNESS: Oral...
>> _________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
>> ______________________________________
>> And last:
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>> WITNESS: No..
>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
>
Keep well & safe

Re: O/T more humour
Monkey1 03 April, 2020 16:45
Superb thank you.
(Sm152)

Re: O/T more humour
limpopo 04 April, 2020 13:13
Brilliant!!!

Re: O/T more humour
Leipziger 04 April, 2020 21:13
Very good Lechef! One non-coronavirus joke:

A theology PHD student starts his research in the obvious place - the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican. There he notices a payphone, with a poster beside it reading "Phone to Heaven - €10 per minute".

His next destination is the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio. Not many people know that it also has such a payphone, but the student found it, with a poster reading "Phone to Heaven - 65 real per minute".

A week later, the student finds himself in St Patrick's Cathedral in New York City. After conducting his research, he spots yet another payphone by the pulpit. The poster reads "Phone to Heaven - $10 per minute".

Getting back home to London, the student spends Saturday afternoon researching in St Paul's Cathedral. By the side of the church, there's a payphone with a poster reading "Phone to Heaven - £10 per minute".

Sometime in the future, our guy decides he fancies a weekend on the hoy in Newcastle. Still enjoying visiting churches, he nips into Newcastle Cathedral on his way to the Bigg Market. Sure enough, man finds a payphone, but is surprised to see the poster beside it reads "Phone to Heaven - 5p per minute". He finds the vicar and asks why the price is so cheap. The vicar winks and says "Round here it's a local call!"

Re: O/T more humour
limpopo 05 April, 2020 12:57
(Sm42)


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