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O/T more humour
Discussion started by lechef , 03 April, 2020 13:09
O/T more humour
lechef 03 April, 2020 13:09
>> HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>> _______________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>> WITNESS: July 18th.
>> ATTORNEY: What year?
>> WITNESS: Every year.
>> _____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>> _________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> WITNESS: I forget..
>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>> ___________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>> ____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
>> WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
>> ___________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>> _________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> WITNESS: Getting laid
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> WITNESS: None.
>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> WITNESS: By death..
>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> WITNESS: Take a guess.
>> ___________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
>> _____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>> _________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>> WITNESS: Oral...
>> _________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
>> ______________________________________
>> And last:
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>> WITNESS: No..
>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
>


Keep well & safe

Re: O/T more humour
waltham 03 April, 2020 13:54
(Sm152)(Sm134)smileys with beer (well...virtual beers anyway!)..

Re: O/T more humour
Ruckingood 05 April, 2020 04:15
Not sure who put this together but made me smile...

1. Loosehead prop

Moderately tall fat lad, often aggressive when something obstructs the way to the bar, pie shop and occasionally a ruck. Does weights, no one knows why.

2. Hooker

Short fat lad with an endless capacity for cheap booze and fascinated by women miles out of his league. Believes he has rugby nous and is an athlete.

3. Tighthead prop

Fat lad who believes heís technically a good player with good hands. Everyone else thinks he just gets in the way. Does weights, no one notices.

4. Lock

Big hard lad who thinks heís the enforcer. Police describe him as a hooligan. Wears shorts and flip flops all year round. Lives with his mum.

5. Lock

Giraffe. Looks funny when he runs. Long arms useful in the bar. Takes up too much space. Often very fit and yet last to arrive at the breakdown.

6. Openside flank

Glory boy, often with psychotic tendencies. Will spend a lot of time in A&E (accident and emergency) but when present can carry a team. Often unpopular or young. Or both.

7. Blindside flank

A proper hard man. Can disappear for 80 minutes but emerge holding someoneís scrotum. Never buys a round.

8. Eighthman

Big @#$%&. Talks a good game and describes himself as a footballer. Often vain, sometimes scruffy, generally canít hold his drink and has weird hobbies or jobs. Handy in a scuffle but best avoided socially.

9. Scrumhalf

Gobby midget who can get himself into trouble marginally faster than he can run away from it. Nothing is his fault. Good drinker.

10. Flyhalf

There are two sorts - running or kicking. Generally, they donít know which one they are until itís too late. Unusually nice hair and overconfident in every situation until itís too late.

11. Left wing

Lanky speed merchant. Canít catch. Live in a world of their own and always forget one item of kit, often boots.

12. Inside centre

Often the best player on the pitch as well as the fittest. Limited social skills and terrified of women until the beer kicks in.

13. Outside centre

Does everything the 12 doesnít. Socially active and often juggling multiple women. Has a nice car, good job and demanding fitness regime as well as extensive debts and an improbably large porn collection.

14. Right wing

The only reason he doesnít score 10 tries in every game is because no one can pass. Often a big lad who really looks the part and yet never quite has the impact you hope for. Doesnít drink.

15. Fullback

Ninety-percent of them should be shot at dawn for cowardice. Last line of defence, my @#$%&. Secretly want to play at 10 and buys the skipper lots of pints. Too many hair products but useful source of spare socks and toiletries at away games.


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