By Beef
August 14 2006

Last season seemed like open day following away fixtures, with the same arguments and same ground being raked over again and again. So I’ve saved you the trouble this year

A Guide to the Guinness Premiership Grounds

 

Last season seemed like open day following away fixtures, with the same arguments and ground being raked over again and again. So I’ve saved you the trouble this year.

 

Bath

The Ground: The Rec or Wreck is well known around the League as a dump. If you are unfortunate enough to purchase a standing ticket, you will be herded into the ‘Pig Pen’, a small area stuffed into the corner, set well back with limited views, situated next to the inadequate toilet facilities, or you will be crammed into the oversold temporary stand and then moved by overbearing Stewards to an area of seating well away from all your friends and fellow supporters. The bars are totally unsuitable for the amount of customers within the ground and only sell Blackthorn cider.

Access is non-existent, with street parking only. Beware of Traffic fascists.

All of this is forgiven because of the setting and local hostelries, serving excellent food and Blackthorn Cider. Plenty of shopping for the little lady, while you watch the match.

 

The Fans: Unfriendly, bigoted Pedants, with a likeness for running B&Bs. Like Carp, they rise to the bait early.

 

Bristol

The Ground: A shared Footie ground, more like a sandpit, but described by many as ‘Quaint’. Harks back to an era of past glories, when entrance was 2 bob. Facilities haven’t changed much. Lip service paid to customer satisfaction. If you like pasties, you’re in for a treat though. One hell of a hike up the hill to the nearest Pub. Access and parking limited, set in a residential area. Hoards of street urchins ready to ‘watch your car, for a fiver.’

 

The Fans: One-eyed 6-fingered and punchy, after a few fermented apple juices. Think that anyone born outside Bristol is foreign.

 

Gloucester

The Ground: Set in the ‘burbs of Gloucester – hardly distingshable from the rest of the City. The Shed has a reputation as an inhospitable place, but if you go there smelling of sheep, you’ll be readily accepted. Large parking spaces for the Massey-Fergusons, but no-one else allowed into the Car Park. Opposition fans no longer allowed into the Clubhouse, however, local Pubs are good. Chippy rivals the Weedon Rd one.

 

The Fans: Large, hairy country bumpkins. Say ‘Aarrggh’ a lot. Nearly as inbred as Briz. Saving grace is the vitriol reserved for Stuart Barnes, on his walk of shame to the press box.

 

Harlequins

The Ground: Recently added to after a season in ND1, it is expensive and exposed to the elements, even the covered stands. The East stand holds a large bar, but service is slower than Slowie the Sloth on a slow Sunday if you are wearing the Opposition shirt. Access is OK, if a) It’s not a Saturday afternoon KO, b) It’s not a Friday evening KO, c) There’s not an International/pop concert taking place at Big Brother over the road. Food OK, but pricey. Must like caviar and ‘poo.

 

The Fans: Not fans, as such, more like people who must be seen at the right places. Spend most of the time walking up and down in front of the East stand, talking loudly to each in plumy tones and getting in the way of the action on the pitch.

 

Leicester Tigers

The Ground: Set in the middle of a one way system, making crossing the road exciting. Which is just as well, as it’s the only excitement you get with the way Tigers play. The Crumbly terrace does what it says on the tin. The ABC Bar recalls a time when they were good. Access is a lucky dip. If you can negotiate the one-way system, you may be able to find your way into one of the local Supermarkets Car Park, and then take your life in your hands walking to the Ground. Bars are adequate, if you like Everades bitter. Food is so-so. Local hostelries are OK.

 

The Fans: Think they have a right to win every game and get quite upset when they don’t. Think that the Opposition must’ve cheated better than them.

 

London Irish

The Ground: Another Footie ground share, set in a soulless Industrial site, with no local amenities, unless you suddenly need some garden furniture. Holds 25,000, but rarely has more than 10,000 in it, so it’s like rattling around in a biscuit tin. Manic stadium announcer and confused Stewards who don’t realise the difference between Footie and Rugby fans. Bars are plentiful, but cold and draughty. Sell Guinness. A lot.

Access is good, once you get past the Sunday shoppers.

 

The Fans: Plastic Paddies. One of them went on a Stag do to Dublin once. Have a colourful percussion section and a habit of singing ‘Fields of Athenry’ a lot. They don’t usually remember much of the match itself.

 

London Wasps

The Ground: As above, but without the B&Qs. Access at the end of a single track road, nightmare to get to, even worse to get out from! Holds 10,000, but rarely sells out. Just as well. Bars? Don’t go there. No welcome for visiting fans. Unheated Marquees selling overpriced cans. Better hope they never get relegated as they will never be allowed back up.

 

The Fans: Carry Mooloo bells and tend to chant ‘Allez, allez, allez – Wasps, Wasps, Wasps’ then smugly clap themselves for being so clever. They don’t understand Rugby, as most of them have only started following the game since Wasps started winning.

 

Newcastle Falcons

The Ground: Again, has had a lot of money thrown at it, but still looks half finished. 3-sided, so it lets in the howling gales and rain from the open side. Makes the locals feel at home. Round of drinks for 4 people cost £25. Then realise they serve in 2-pint pots! Have a hot tub where they let fans in, so they don’t have to search for the urinals. Access is OK, once past the Locals marvelling at the Angel of the North. Only play on a Friday night, as they think this will reduce the number of away fans and thus increase their chances of winning. Nobody has bothered to tell them that they need a decent team to win.

 

The Fans: Difficult to talk to as they speak a different language. Wear short sleeved shirts and shorts all year round and have a roll-up hanging from the corner of their mouths at all times.

 

Sale Sharks

The Ground: Situated in a run down area of Stockport. Local hoods will have your car stripped before you lock the doors. Another Ground share, and it shows. No bars to speak of and even if you find one, it will only sell gnats pee in plastic bottles. Local hostelries can be found by looking for the burning vehicles in the car parks. Access? Stick to Coaches. Food? Ahhhh…

 

The Fans: Jonny-come-latelies, on the back of recent successes and thanks to the cute signing of Jason Robinson. Many of them thought they were going to a RL match and got mugged into buying a season ticket.

 

Saracens

The Ground: A toilet in Watford. No amenities, no atmosphere, no soul. No fans. Access is OK, good for a quick getaway. Shouty local radio announcer, with no sense of timing, no sense of appropriate-ness, and a huge sense of self-importance. Have Pizza madness at half time, which, as it turns out, is haute cuisine for the locals. Judging by the food available, they’re correct.

 

The Fans: What fans there are, tend to wear Tommy Cooper Fezs. There, the similarity ends. They are humourless and uninformed, believing that 80 minutes of rolling Mauls is the way forward. Also have a percussion section that drums to a different beat. Every one of them.

 

Worcester Warriors

The Ground: Situated on the outskirts of Worcester, so far out, cows circle it incessantly. They have a captive clientele and it shows in the fare offered. Pies, pasties, err, that’s it. Got the potential to be a nice ground, when it’s finished. Small standing area, fiercely protected ‘That’s my bit of concrete, see, it’s got my mark on it.’ It’s a waste of time arguing the concept of First come first served, as the cattle prods are produced swiftly. Away fans tolerated as being cash cows. Access is good and plenty of places to park ‘them new-fangled moti cars’, among the horse and carts.

 

The Fans: Still new boys to the Premiership, they are often found staring wide-eyed in wonder at the world outside Worcester ‘Cor, look, big silver birds in the sky!’ Friendly enough, after beads and shiny things have been given or exchanged for the local ale.

 

So there you have it. A guide to all away matches in the GP. Now it’s been published can we please NOT have the bitching, whining and whingeing that follows every away trip, win, lose or draw.

 

‘What about the Saints’ you ask? Well I’ll leave that to the other Clubs…