By Noel Forward
July 22 2003

A short play in 4 Scenes Scene1 The scene opens with Big Jake Roundel in his mahogany lined directors office at his mahogany desk looking out over the absolutely stunning but more sort of beech coloured skyline of the Pretty City. Jake is the head honcho at Pretty City RFC. His trusty and loyal servant Mick the Cat stands rigidly to attention on the opposite side of the desk wearing an ankle length rain coat and, of course, a Sou'wester.

The mahogany telephone on Big Jake's desk rings,

BJ: "Big Jake Roundel here, super director of rugby to all South Western teams at or near the bottom ………Oh Hello Mr Beigesabre, Sir. How can I help you? Yes Mr Beigesabre, no Mr Beigesabre, straight away Mr Beigesabre………….first thing this afternoon Mr Beigesabre, without fail Sir !"

The phone goes down and BJ mops the sweat from his brow with an old cherry and white rugby shirt.

M the C: "Wuz thet Mr Beigesabre on ze telephoon Big Jek?"

BJ: "Yes it was, my loyal feline friend. It's a rush job but we've got to come up with a suitable rhyme for a new Beigesabre greeting card."

M the C closes his umbrella and wipes the spray from his face.

BJ: "Sorry about the spray Catty, these new teeth are not quite run in yet. I completely drenched Mrs BJR last night"

M the C: "Don't werry Sir. Whets the new caard for BJ?"

BJ: "It's fairly specific, an apology card apparently. On the front cover it says,'Sorry I ripped up your scrum cap……..' and we have to think of something to go inside."

M the C: "Better not aask the skipper then eh, BJ!"

BJ:"Too right Catty!! Get Balsswall in here straight away. He's the sensitive artistic type. He should be good at poetry."

M the C: Reeght BJ Stright awee!"

He leaves the office, walks into the gents toilets and stands under the hot air hand driers for 20 minutes.

Scene 2. BJ's office later that morning.

"Ring ring"

BJ: "Hello. Who is it?"

Phone: "Ooh Arr, Ooh Arr, 'tis I me lordship"

BJ: Ah, it's you Humble Retainer. What is it?"

HR: "Ooh Arr me lordship. I be on gate duty this fine Zummerzet morn and there's this bloke y'er wearing a skirt and talking funny like. Says he's got an annointment with yer lordship."

BJ: "You mean appointment don't you Humble Retainer?"

HR: " No me lordship, 'es talking so funny like I reckon he's got them Hemmer…..heaverr………hammerites…………..doh, I mean them piles an' he's after some ointment."

BJ: "Stop messing about man. What's his name?"

HR: "It's a Mr Connolly me lordship."

BJ: "Why didn't you say so you fool. That's our new coach!! Bring him straight up! "

HR: " I'll be a staying down 'ere if you don't mind, me lordship, 'cos I 'aven't got my raincoat today. Ooh Arr"

BJ: "Well just send him up. Tell him not to walk on the grass!"


Scene 3, moments later, again in BJ's office

Door: "Knock, knock"

BJ: "Come in"

Connolly a large hairy man with a purple beard, enters, accompanied by the skirl of bagpipes, drifting highland mist, the aroma of deep fried pizza and Tennents Extra Strength lager.

C: "Hello , hello , hello! Bum willy bum jobbie bum!"

BJ: " Good God Connolly. I'm flabbergasted!"

C: "Sorry Mr Gasted, I wis loooookin' fer Big Jake's office"

BJ: "No, no.......that's me. It's just that you're not what I was expecting! I thought you were Australian!"

C: " Naw, that's the wifie that's a Sheila, ken. Onyhow, where dae I start?"

BJ: "Well first we need to sign a contract, sort out your wages and introduce you to the rest of the coaching team."

C: "Just fine pal. Whit's first on"

BJ: (Picks up phone) "Get Phoaley, Smiff and Grayum (The Aussie Trio) to come to my office"

C: "Is that they lawyers whit mucked up yon Connors contract? Big mistake that, you should use another firm pal!"

BJ: "No no no no no!! They're the coaching team."

The Aussie Trio enter the office

The Aussie Trio: "G'day mate!"

C: "Hello , hello , hello! Bum willy bum jobbie bum!"

The Aussie Trio: "What did he say, BJ?"

BJ: "No idea boys. Anyway get yourselves down to the pitch ready for Mr Connolly to start the first training session. And get them to wear name badges!! I haven't a clue who all these new players are!"

The Aussie Trio: " Strewth digger, he aint one for hanging about. He'll have us running about quicker than a dingo after a jumbuck coated in barbie sauce."

C: "What the f*** did they say BJ?"

BJ: "No idea Connolly"

They all leave the office

Scene 4, the next day. In a lawyers office in the Pretty City.

BJ: "OK Connolly, here's the deal. You agree to be head of coaching here for as long as you can stand it and we pay you £1.9 million a year. How does that sound?"

C: "Aye mon, that's just brilliant!! £1.9 Million!! Are you sure pal ??

BJ: "Sure am!"

C: "But how can you afford to pay me that all that money?"

BJ: "Well, this isn't for public consumption (whispering) but we don't pay the players."

C: "Eh?"

BJ: " No they pay us. It's for the privilege of being able to play for such an historic club full of tradition in such a Pretty City. The Aussie Trio all work for nothing as well and their wives all get no pay to work here as cleaners. We call it The Reverse Salary Cap!"

C: "But that's barmy Big Man. How do you expect to get any decent professional players these days if you dinnae pay them. Ma Mam always said, 'Pay Peanuts, Get Monkeys!'"

BJ: "Exactly!"

The curtain falls as the party of the first part signs the contract and passes it to the party of the second part.

But questions remain!

Will the contract self destruct before the ink is even dry?

Will Connolly be any good as a coach given his rejection many years ago by Dynamo Coatbridge FC?

Will the curtain ever rise again for the club from the Pretty City?

Will I ever see the sun rise over Kilimanjaro?

Watch out for the next thrilling instalment of Big Jake and The Club from the Pretty City.