By Montague Masters
May 18 2011

You can forget your Doyle and Bayfield, dismiss Barnes and Morris. When it comes to the low-down on on this weekend's Heineken Cup Final, there's only one duo that COYSDC can turn to. The editors sent erstwhile contributor Montague Masters to visit one of the oldest Saints supporters for his take on Satdee evening, the one-and-only Bert Haddon...

HEINEKEN CUP FINAL

"WHEN MONTY MET BERT"

Phillip de Maverik, editor of this fine site has commissioned me to craft this special piece with our good friend, Bert Haddon. As many of you will know the octogenarian Saints supporter never misses a home game but really can’t be bothered to go away! If you cut Bert he would literally bleed Gold Black and Green and as a former shoe factory worker and resident of St. James couldn’t get more Northamptonian if he tried. Here’s the transcript of our interview, I do hope you enjoy and as ever I haven’t a clue as to what he is saying!

Monty: Good day to you Albert

Bert: Alright me duck

Monty: Now Bert can you tell me how long you’ve been a follower of Northampton Saints?

Bert: Abayt nointee years

Monty: But Bert you are only 88!

Bert: Oi ent stoopid Monty, me Mum used to go before she ad us.

Monty: Oh ok then…so you’ve seen all the greats down the years?

Bert: Oh yeah duck, seen em all. Jeeps, White, Butterfield, Hosen, Powell, Mobbs, Weston…

Monty: Erm Bert have you taken your medication today?

Bert: Yes you cheeky young git, ad orl me pills n paydas!

Monty: Right oh my good fellow! Let’s get down to business. How do you think our Saints will fare on Saturday against mighty Leinster?

Bert: Well Montee idull be tough wunit! Gord blarmee Oi mean they’re much better than us and all that. Oi suppose there’s not much point turnin up. Oi fink oil just gew dayn the allotment instead o’watchin.

Monty: Good God are you serious man?

Bert: Nah o’course not sorft lad! We’ll bleedin larrup ‘em.

Monty checks his Northampton dictionary and finds:

Larrup: to hit, beat or beer

Larruped: to have beeen hit, beaten or drunk

A good Larruping: Saints 9 Munster 8 27^th May 2000

Monty: Ding dong, Bert, that’s more like it. What, my dear chap, do you think are the key areas?

Bert: Well oi ent gewing to bleedin Wales so it’s getting dayn Jimmies club early for a good seat in front o’that massive telly an a noice point o’smoov.

Monty: Sorry Albert, you misunderstand. Not your areas, the areas of the match!

Bert: Oh roight! Well first there’s full back

Monty: Go on…

Bert: Well Air Ben is ed an shoulders above that Isa Nacewa

Monty: How so?

Bert: Well look at em! Air Ben is good looking lad and their bouy should be called Eyesore Needsbotox. First rool o’fullback is you need to be the team pretty boy. Fink Hunter or Beal. Air Mavis was mad for them bouys. Yew carn’t ave an ug at 15, it’s not on.

Monty: Okay…moving on

Bert: No Montee oi ent finished. Oi mean what sort o’name is Isa? Ennit wun o them useless bleedin savings wotsits where yew abayt thruppence hapenny intrest?

Monty: Come on now Bert your teasing me.

Bert: Alright me duck keep yer air on! I reckon we’ll larrup em up front. Look at the toight foives. Oo wud yew swap fur wun o’airs? I mean there’s Tonga’uhia

Monty: Easy for you to say.

Bert: Yeah roight. Anyhow you wudn’t wanna meet that big ole lump dayn a gitty on a dark noight. Look at the size’orim. Gives me the willies jus thinking abayt it. Then there’s Mujati

Monty: Moooooooooooo!

Bert: BRIAN MUJATI

Monty: yes…Mooooooooo!

Bert: Bleedin ada yer clorth ears. The big Sayth African fella. Grate prop, noice fella, brews a lovely drop o’ale. Then air Dylan. That bouys special. No dayt they’ll troy un woind im ip cuz non o’rem as worked ayt ee dunt bite back. Eel let is gayme do the torkin.

Monty: You love that front row don’t you Albert?

Bert: Dunt we orl Montee. Not jus them though. Air Courtney. Lovely Jimmies End lad. Oi ent never seen a player loike im an is oppo Day ent bad either. Oi could goo orn orl noight. Good lads the lodderem!

Monty: What about the backs?

Bert: The girls? I dunno nuffin abayt em Montee. That Ashtun’s a tough lad, an o’course air Diggin’s a good un. Downey un Clarke are up against it, playing the world’s greatest ever centre even if ees on one leg an orl is other bits o’Munchausen’s by Newspaper. Yew godda love Dicksun un Myler though. No wun rates em yet they orlways do well. Meedya gus orn abayt Myler missing kicks an then shuts up when ee gets em all. Lee is loike a Labrador trying to ged a bone ayt from under the settee, eel never bleedin give up Gord love him!

Monty: Ok Bert, how about the atmosphere?

Bert: oh oi reckon idull be well smelly…

Monty: What???

Bert: Well they’re shuttin the roof ent they? All them lads well larruped and full of pasties n pies? Blow me Montee it’s a recipe for disaster…

Monty: The singing Bert, the cheering you know the general bonhomie

Bert: Oh yeah that. Well air lads ull be ard to ear. I mean outnumbered ten to one ent we? It ull be all cockles and muscles. I mean we ent got no crack or clarss or culture in air little shoe tayn are we? Them big city bouys ull scare us stoopid!

Monty: Bert you old devil, come on now! What the dickens do you believe in your heart of hearts.

Bert: I reckon air bouys an gels ull do alright an there’ll be a fair few Northamptonians wiv frogs in their throats on Sundee. Oi erd them Irish bouys loike a drink, well good cuz we love air larrup raind ere so they’ll be in good company!

Monty: Ok Bert, you magnificent artisan of Northampton, what’s your big match prediction?

Bert: Air cup Montee, airs. Goo on Jimmies stick to em. Come on yew Saynts!

News: Heineken Cup Exclusive! When Monty met Bert Haddon...

Discussion started by ComeOnYouSaints.com , 18/05/2011 23:32

ComeOnYouSaints.com
18/05/2011 23:32

What do you think? You can have your say by posting below.
If you do not already have an account Click here to Register.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011:05:18:23:34:22 by Phil..

Reply Quote Report

Phil.
19/05/2011 00:02

With many thanks to Rich for having to put up with the two old geezers for an hour and scribbling down everything with his stubby l'il pencil...

Reply Quote Report

Howlin
19/05/2011 00:36

Makes far more sense than a Barnes and Morris preview. (and far more humerous) well done chaps.

Saint til I die

Reply Quote Report

St Marlowe
19/05/2011 00:55

Class!!


and my favourite

Quote:

Bert
laying the world’s greatest ever centre even if ees on one leg an orl is other bits o’Munchausen’s by Newspaper

David L

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- Live wrong and preposterously

Reply Quote Report

hoddros
19/05/2011 04:16

I used to think Air Bert was a fictional character, but now I think I recognise him. He frequents the Malt Shovel and wears a chequed blazer.

I'm still working on Monty tho'......

Cracking interview.

Reply Quote Report

Paul Flatt
19/05/2011 06:42

Poor old Mavis, the ultimate allotment widow.

"Your days are numbered. Use them to throw open the windows of your soul to the sun. If you do not, the sun will soon set, and you with it."

-- Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor 161-180 A.D.

Reply Quote Report

ChrisG
19/05/2011 08:30

Good stuff Monty n Bert

Reply Quote Report

SAINT_aitch
19/05/2011 08:42

Excellent, just what was needed for this, most prestigious of previews.

Reply Quote Report

Beef
19/05/2011 09:38

Brillient, thum old bouys ent bad



Terrace 'B' next to Mav, Shaddo, AB, Jeremy and Spud.

Reply Quote Report

Wee Jim
19/05/2011 09:47

Splendid! Well writ and a good laugh.

Reply Quote Report

Ginger Prince in Stockholm
19/05/2011 11:49

Top drawer, Monty!

And Bert...that were grand!



Ginger - The Colour of Sexual Rejection

Reply Quote Report

Connorman
19/05/2011 12:00

err...tried google translate and it didn't work.

good stuff.

Reply Quote Report

St.Rich Joe, Niamh and Sam's Dad
19/05/2011 12:04

I know you need that standard voice geezer from total rugby and transworld sport who does the voiceover translation.

Quote:

Bert
Lee is loike a Labrador trying to ged a bone ayt from under the settee, eel never bleedin give up Gord love him!

Quote:

Mr Total Rugby
Lee is like a labrador trying to retrieve a bone from under a sofa. He will never jolly well give up. God bless him.

No alcohol for January. I'm a dryathlete in aid of cancer research.

Dryathlon

Reply Quote Report

Phil.
19/05/2011 12:05

helpful hints from 2002

Reply Quote Report

Saint Mulc
19/05/2011 13:47

Great. A real Monty Master(s)piece.
All very funny but smiled out loud at this piece:

"Monty: Ok Bert, how about the atmosphere?

Bert: oh oi reckon idull be well smelly…

Monty: What???

Bert: Well they’re shuttin the roof ent they? All them lads well larruped and full of pasties n pies? Blow me Montee it’s a recipe for disaster… "

John

Reply Quote Report

St.Rich Joe, Niamh and Sam's Dad
19/05/2011 16:15

Mulc Unashamedly stolen from Dudley Moore and Peter Cook

No alcohol for January. I'm a dryathlete in aid of cancer research.

Dryathlon

Reply Quote Report

tedge
19/05/2011 18:08

And when asked about the outcome he might have said:

Weel miduck, we shent no woil satdee noi

Reply Quote Report

St.Rich Joe, Niamh and Sam's Dad
19/05/2011 18:57

No tedge he's from northampton not kettrin

No alcohol for January. I'm a dryathlete in aid of cancer research.

Dryathlon

Reply Quote Report

Paul Flatt
19/05/2011 19:29

I think that, Rich, is what they call "a thread killer"



"Your days are numbered. Use them to throw open the windows of your soul to the sun. If you do not, the sun will soon set, and you with it."

-- Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor 161-180 A.D.

Reply Quote Report

St.Rich Joe, Niamh and Sam's Dad
19/05/2011 21:56

It's run it's course Paul but you as a cockney won't know it's kent n shent in ketterin and carn't n sharn't in nthamtun

No alcohol for January. I'm a dryathlete in aid of cancer research.

Dryathlon

Reply Quote Report

Albion Saint
19/05/2011 23:33

Marvellous. With the mention of pasties I had a new take on the interview. Try re reading it with a westcountry for Berts part. Works for me!

Albion Saint

Reply Quote Report

St Marlowe
20/05/2011 08:13

Oi Rich

Quote:

Rich
It's run it's course Paul but you as a cockney

'e aint the cockney rahnd 'ere - that my gaff. - 'e 's from up west - countryside round Perry's Vale.

David L

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- Live wrong and preposterously

Reply Quote Report

numberseven
20/05/2011 09:54

Priceless

Mayd oi larf a lot

Reply Quote Report

tedge
20/05/2011 18:01

You're quite right Rich - a N'thamtun chap would have said "wunt no woil Satdee me durk". Ocspec itud be summat else if he were frum Earls Baar'n or wuna them other coun'ry places.

Reply Quote Report

St.Rich Joe, Niamh and Sam's Dad
20/05/2011 21:08

Mate try living in Rowell 15 minutes from where I grew up. Same accent different words for everything including saying were instead of woz, the ten minutes in the other direction and it's all Scottish! It's a diverse county.

No alcohol for January. I'm a dryathlete in aid of cancer research.

Dryathlon

Reply Quote Report

Goto: Forum List•Message List•Search• Log In

Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.

We record all IP addresses on the Sportnetwork message boards which may be required by the authorities in case of defamatory or abusive comment. We seek to monitor the Message Boards at regular intervals. We do not associate Sportnetwork with any of the comments and do not take responsibility for any statements or opinions expressed on the Message Boards. If you have any cause for concern over any material posted here please let us know as soon as possible by e-mailing abuse@sportnetwork.net