By RtR on 1/8/2003
August 1 2003

The new season draws close, and the expectation hangs in the air. A momentous season is but a few weeks away, and rugby fans across the nation are turning their thoughts to weighty matters - ZP survival, squad changes, RWC, and a sport continuing with its post-professionalisation teething problems.

And yet, one crucial question remains unaddressed: What is it with Rugby players haircuts these days?

There once was a time where only two types of haircut would ever be seen on a rugby pitch; the standard ‘Accountants Coiffeur’ as sported by W. Carling at al, or the 'No. 1 All Over Thug Chic’ as worn by most props. But in recent years, a bewildering array of hair configurations presents itself to the rugby public. Let us trace the key developments through the ages.

The first moves away from the traditional looks arrived in the seventies, a decade I only just remember, and one not noted for its taste. Huge strides in rugby haircut technology were made in the valleys of Wales, when young impressionable boyos would be heard, upon sitting in the barbers chair:

"I’ll have a JPR please".

The perplexed barber would reply: "What, you mean, just don’t cut it at all, Dai?".

"Thats right butty", would come the reply, to which the barber would riposte

"Righto, that’s £2.50 please then, isn't it?".

Yes folks, JPR Williams, rugby legend, full back for Wales and British Lions, major catalyst in the degradation of smart tailored elegance on the rugby field. The rot had set in . . .

The 80’s saw a gradual catching on of the possibilities. In Scotland, Mr S.Hastings adopted the "Go faster" look by having lines shaved into his head during the RWC in Scotland. Didn’t stop him losing to England in the semis at Murrayfield though did it? In addition, some players still hark back to the 80’s for their style guides. How else could one explain Ireland hooker Frankie Sheahan’s "Duranie Mullet".

The next major stride was taken in France in the 90’s, where T. Castaignede made a huge step backwards by the introduction of the "Peroxide Nightmare" look. This is a style that has - sadly - been adopted by some of our own Tykes.

And yet, the most heinous crimes against fashion have been committed in recent years in the Southern Hemisphere. Tana Umaga was prominent in the introduction of "The Polynesian Tousle" into the rugby haircut hall of shame. It is undeniable that Tana is a world class performer, but where does he gain that extra space from? Imagine if you will, facing Tana for the first time, what thoughts would go through your head as you prepare to tackle the man? . . . .

"Right here, he comes, blimey he’s a big lad, and he moves a bit quick too. OK then compose yourself, show him the outside, drift across, go low, drop your shoulder.. CRIKEY!, what has he done with his hair! . . ." BOFF!

Yes, those crucial millisconds lost as the Umaga barnet comes into view, and confusion enters the would-be tacklers brain, can be the all difference. Could it be this fact that makes the islanders such an attractive proposition to European rugby coaches?

And how do the current crop of Tykes fair in the haircut crimes stakes, lets review the culprits.

1. Dan Scarborough - "The Beach Boy Just Woke Up"
2. Alix Popham - "Nightmare on Peroxide Street"
3. Phil Christophers - "The Flock of Seagulls"
4. Mark Regan - "The Ricky Gervais Goatee Experience"
5. Aaron Persico - "Crystal Tipps"

A gallery of hirsute rogues I’m sure you’ll agree. At least captain reliable, Mike Shelley retains his traditional "Thick Luxurious Coverage" as adopted by Props down the ages. However, has he has chosen this style, or has the style chosen him?

So what next . .. . . French plaits?, Alice bands? Red highlights to help show off those hard earned cauliflower ears? Has traditional rugby changing room banter shifted from beer and song to discussions of the merits of curling jam? I dread to think.

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