Northampton Saints
Golfing with Graham
By Graham's Mate
August 8 2010
My mate Graham would never profess to be a competent golfer, let alone a good golfer. His swing is reminiscent of Lizzie Borden on a bad day. What he lacks in ability was more than made up in enthusiasm and a lop-sided sense of humour
Golfing with Graham (Part 1)
He used to reckon that he got more value for his membership fees or for his green fees, because he hit the ball more often and visited parts of the course that better golfers never went to.
It is rumoured that on one particular course after hooking his tee shot prodigiously he disappeared into chest high rough and with the rest of his companions worrying about how they would get home (he was the driver), he eventually appeared not only with his ball, but half a dozen others and the news that he had found a Japanese soldier who didn't know the war was over!
Graham was never the luckiest of golfers...whilst playing at ‘the best inland 9 hole course in the country' (possibly very true, but under the flight path to RAF Mildenhall), drove into the edge of the rough. ‘I am in a rabbit scrape (sh*t really) OK to drop it?' Knowing that Graham would never cheat, he was told he could drop it clear without penalty. All of a sudden a cry of ‘Oh bu**er' floats across the fairway. (In those days ‘a free drop' was made over the shoulder, not at arms length as is now the practice). Graham had moved away from the ‘scrape', dropped the ball over his shoulder, the ball had hit his heel and gone down the rabbit's burrow! Everybody could see the ball, but it could not be got out of the hole, despite everybody's best efforts. ‘That was a new ball, I only hit it the once', bemoaned Graham. It should be noted that most of the balls in Graham's bag were new; he didn't keep them that long.
Another of his ‘free drops' occurred on a wet day, Graham succeeded in dropping the ball over his shoulder into the hood of his waterproofs, ‘Where did it go?' he asked as he hunted round in the wet grass. Needless to say the rest of us were near to wetting the insides of our own waterproofs and it took a minute or two before we were able to tell him its whereabouts.
He did have a temper though and on the 8th hole at one local course, he was faced with a ‘tap-in' of about a foot and yours truly stood behind the green marking his score down. All over a sudden there is a cry of ‘Fore' and with a sound reminiscent of the famous helicopter scene in Apocalypse Now, his putter flew over my head and splashed into the lake behind the green. Graham had missed his putt and now he was missing his putter! (Many of his clubs were registered on a frequent flyer programmes!) A year or so later when playing the same hole and following a prolonged dry spell; Graham's putter could be seen sticking out of the water like some modern day Excalibur.
A sapling at Wentworth also faced the wrath of Graham, when he was convinced that one of the tree's outer extremities had caused him to er...miss the ball. He calmly chipped the ball out sideways and then proceeded to berate the hapless tree, both verbally and physically until all that was left were the roots.
Another incident (no temper tantrum this time) took place one late autumn, during a trip to a prestigious club in a neighbouring county. Graham reached the last hole and after one or two shots found himself in the middle of the fairway about 100 yards from the green.' I'll hit a 9 iron,' says Graham. Unfortunately he misread the number and took out his 6 iron and he then proceeded to hit the shot a little ‘thin'. The ball screamed off about 4 feet of the ground like an Exocet. It shot towards the members bar where the great and the good were enjoying a pre lunch prandial. Their looks of horror were plain to see a Graham's ball rocketed towards them and the clubhouse's curved windows. The ball slammed into the pillar (about 2 bricks wide) between the windows and bounced back 20 yards onto the green coming to rest about 6 feet from the hole. ‘If you hole that I shall shove my putter up you're a*se', says one of the opposition. Taking no notice of this threat Graham coolly stroked the putt 2 feet past the hole and then missed the return. That's my boy!
As I have said Graham has a great sense of humour, much of it self depreciating and an almost inexhaustible supply of stories and anecdotes, but suffers (deliberately or otherwise) from the odd Malapropism or misunderstanding.
Here are a few examples:-
One day he came into the clubhouse, soaked to the skin and said he had only got to the second hole and it started to rain, ‘It was coming down in steroids' he said.
Then after we had been persuaded to play in a mixed match, we were having tea with the two ladies who had been our partners when the dessert what brought round. ‘What's this on the top of the cake?' he said. ‘Almonds', says I, smiling at the ladies. ‘They are an aphrodisiac.' ‘An aphrodisiac', says Graham,' I don't need those, my bowels are pretty loose!'
Unfortunately not one of the ladies mentioned above
And my favourite,
One Sunday morning after a night out, he walked across the first tee, err flatulating with every step, to the disgust of one of his playing partners. ‘Do you have to do that?' said the offended gent. ‘Well', said Graham, ‘I had a few beers and then a curry, what do expect?' ‘So did I ‘, came the reply,' but I masticate my food'. Graham paused and said, ‘That is as maybe, but I am not w*nking on my dinner for anyone!'
Finally Golf Clubs, a few years ago (they may still for all I know), were rushing about paying agronomists to advise on the care and upkeep of their green swards. All sorts of strange suggestions were made and old mixtures were rubbed and scattered into greens and fairways. One day Graham was out on the course and saw a group of the Captain and other committee members gathered near a particularly difficult hole and they appeared to be pouring yet another mixture onto the fairway. ‘What bloody rubbish are you b*ggering up the course with now? he asked. The group turned to face him and not only then did he see a plethora of black ties but the widow of a past member, the sombre group were in process of fulfilling the deceased's last wishes for the scattering of his ashes.
Tactfully our hero withdrew.
Part 2 to follow................perhaps.
P.S. Graham does exist and would plead guilty to some of the above, he knows of the other culprits.
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Tetleys Block F E143
Perhaps our esteemed editors would subsidise the team as they would be carrying the flag (and the clubs) for this site?
Quote:Jazzman
subsidise the team
Too much Grass!
David L
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- Live wrong and preposterously
Not
David L
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- Live wrong and preposterously
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