By The Mighty Young Joe
July 30 2002

Bruce Waverama, Raspberry Ripple, Auntie Tina, Harmuclims and Glirls. Confused? You will be! Joe returns with his usual brand of childish humour to discuss the coming season, players to watch, the haka and the things that affect his world. Even in Scooby Doo week Joe has found time to write for us! Hiya mates!

Not long now until the new zippee starts, I’m well excited!

Before I talk about rugby I have to tell you my news. I have a new pet to go with Budge Bunny and Tigger the evil cat; my new pet is a goldfish called Tarzan, what I wonned at the fair. Also I have lost my first tooth this morning, it was wobbly on Sunday, so I wibbled and wobbled it and it felled out. I have to put it under my pillow and the tooth fairy will leave me a million pence. Mum keeps saying it’s only a hundred but she doesn’t know about inflayshun. Mum reckons that tooth fairys make houses out of peoples tooths. It’s my birthday soon. I will be five on August the 18th and I’m having a Harry Potter party with a nimbus 2000 broomstick cake. Also my mummy is having a baby, so I am going to have a brother! Mum and dad keep saying it might be a sister but I don’t like Glirls acuzz they play with dolls and they like pink fings so that means all Glirls support harmuclims.

Saints have got some new players. They have got a little player called raspberry ripple from Spain and a really good player from New Zealund called Bruce Waverama. New Zealund rugby players do this scary dance called a hakakakakaka before they play where they stick their tongues out and say hatch-at-tat-tat-tah. Anyway Bruce is dead good at the hakakakakaka acuzz he was on the telly doing it at the commun welf games. Saints have also got Steve Williams what used to play for Lundun Oirish, who is a lock and Simon Hefer what used to play for the Saints but went to France (good move get closer to Disneyland Paris) but now he has comed back and he is also Ali H’s little brother. Uncle Keef and Smudger has promise us at least one more big player. I hope its Spiderman!

Lots of players have gone so bye bye to Ollie Bruiser, Mighty Young Joe Shaw, Craig Moir, Dom Malone, Ali H, Lucozade Martini, Andy Newmums, Steve Bothersome, Captain Kirk, Andy Wennick, Simon Websterer and now one of the Saints young hookerers, James Buckland, has signed for the unspokely ones!!!

Right then it’s time for my pre-season predicshuns. All the growed ups will do this in the newspapers but this is what I fink is going to happen and unlike you miserable lot on the messy board, I fink we are going to have a very nice time indeed!

Barf – They was pants last year but they have got lots of new players and somebody else is their coach so they will probably do better this year but not much. Player to watch – A big Osteralian called Connors who should stop the Barf glirlie forwards from getting beated up every week.

Brisdull - They play on a beach and have some very very fast players. They also have some very clever Auntie Tina players. But Brisdull also have some very naughty players. They have also got a new coach acuzz Beano Ryan (who made dick Dastardly look like a nice man,) has gone to Tractors. No one knows how well they will do EVER. Player to watch – Flipping Cart and Pony from Auntie Tina, he likes to score tries so he can go and sit in the crowd.

Gulloster or Tractors – They was good last year but got homesick when playing away. They came third in the zippee but got gersplatterated by Wasps and Saints in the same week. I fink they will do well again this year. Player to watch – Allakazam, the big French hookerer, sometimes he’s naughty and other times he just pushes everyone out of the way and scores.

Harmuclims – They wear silly shirts, which have pink in them and they have supporters called Diamond Sneezers, what wear even sillier trousers. They were pants last year and I can’t see them being any better this year. Player to watch – Dan Booger, to see how long he can stay on the pitch.

Leeeeds – they was very lucky last year acuzz the Eeyore ell let them stay in the zippee even though they were last! I fink it will take a miracle for them not to go down this year. Player to watch – Dan Scarborough and his ginormous feet!

The unspokely ones – They are boring and I don’t like them. They will probably win the zippee which is very greedy acuzz they have wonned it every year what I have been alive. Player to watch – Neil Back, very carefully, acuzz he is a cheater!

Nucastle Dickey Birds – They got gersplattered in the yourrup pea and cup and got gesmudgerated three times by Saints last season. They have lost their good old players like Lammy, Twingermala, Stretch Armstrong and Dodgy Weird. I fink they will get a lot of gersplatteration next year and Johnny Roger Wilko will have to play very well. Player to watch – Epi Timeonly, he’s big and fast and very strong and was very scary last season.

Sale Sharks – They have such good backs that they don’t need any forwards. I fink they might come at least 3rd or 4th in the zippee this year. Player to watch – James Bond,(not confirmed but I'm sure he's going there) as if they needed anymore-good backs they have signed this bloke from the Bumble Bees.

Sorrysons – The fez heads have done somefink very clever and signed Buck Shelford as their new coach. Last season they was very rubbish but they did have a lot of poorly players. They have now got that bloke what looks like Shrek and some other better players. I fink they will do better this year but not win anyfink. Player to watch – Thomas the tank engine Castanets. He is a very good French player who was poorly last season. He can win games all on his own.

Wasps – The pesky stingy insect types were also pants last year. I fink it was a freaky year for them and they will be better this time especially as Lollipop Dayglo has got better. Player to watch – Screamy Howley, the Whales and Lions scrum half. He is nearly as good as Matty Daws.

Finally the Saints – I fink we are going to have a very nice time next season. Smudger is in charge from the start so they will be playing total Smudgerby every week. Actionman looks like he will be fit, which is good acuzz he’s brilliant and I have been worried about him. We still have our good players and have got some more and some have even come back like Johnny Slightgnome. I can’t wait to see Bruce Waverama, perhaps he will teach Bernie the hakakakakaka. I fink the Saints will win fings this season, big fings! Player to watch – Wobbie Mowwis, I fink he will join Wally and play for Ingerlund.

So there you go mates, that is what I fink. But enuff of this, it’s Scooby Doo week on cartoon network.

Come on you Saints
Joe