By Bert Haddon
August 2 2002

Jimmies end octagenarian Bert Haddon is back with his colloquial view of the world. This time Bert shares his opinions on the internet, the long season, rugby league, sevens, mobile phones, his grandaughter's love life and the new Saints shirt. In Bert's opinion we've all "gorn sorft!" Owareyew me ducks?
It's me Bert ere look. Oive just abayt got the ang o this ere intranet doings so Oi thought it wus toime I learned you young uns a thing or two. Mind you this spelling un Grammar doins is getting on me wick. It don't talk proper like what oi do. Probably speaks yank loike that Bill whosit oo invented all the sorftware.


First I aint happy ut all that you lot are sitting there gawpin at this troipe. You shud be dayne the pub elping the local economee not sitting on yore backsoides.


Woi woi woi duzz the seasun goo orn so long nowudays? When oi wus u lad we ownee played in months wi n R in em. Nowudays they play from August to July. Blow me if that aint darft. You aint sposed to eat oysters in them months either so I suppose Harlequins fast food takings are dayne after april and afore September.


Them commonwealth gaymes sevens starts tuday and Oim roight proper looking forward to em. Oi don't really hold wi sevens, no proper set pieces loike that northern nonsense but it's better than u poke in the eye wi u sharp stick! Ut least we can all cheer on proper sport not loike that silly old world cup carry orn wi all them flags un folks aving toime orf work un school. The countrys gorn sorft!


If theres one gayme oi can't stick is that there rugby league or super doings or summatt, well the games alroight fur watching but them northerners don't arf goo orn. Allus blathering orn abayt us lot calling us toffs un the loike. Well you northern toipes, I aint no Earl Spencer un nor are me maytes. Oi never left Jimmies end until I wus 15 un that wus ownee beecuzz oi got took on ut Barratts shoe factree, where oi worked fur years. Un oi drink points n'all not gin un tonics or that shampayne pallaver. Them league toipes also reckon that they don't get no mention in the papers. Well good beecuzz oi don't want to read abayt stuff that oi don't ave eny intrest in.


Unuther thing oi can't abide is them mobile phone doings. Gord blarmey we didn't have gizmos un the loike when I was growing up. Air tracey has got one o them bobby dazzler nockliers or whatever their called. Beep beep beep beep all day long. I says to 'er whats that beeping and she says "text message grandad". "Text message" whats that I says? Anyways she explayned it all to us and gord blarmey you young uns are sorft as great dollups o'lard. She wus ownee texting Gaz er fella who lives next bloomin door. I said what's ee saying then and she showed us but oim none the wiser. It said: "lo tray u r fit 2sday woz gr8 lol gaz." Gord knows what that means and another thing she's taken to wearing a scarf since tuesdee, in the middle o'the summer. I blayme them alcypops. Anyway I says to er woi don't you just knock on the wall if you want to talk to im. She said don't be silly Grandad I'll miss big brother.


Thas another thing, big bleeding brother. For gords sayke if you want to watch someone asleep in the garden oil get air mavis to tayke me pitchure on Sunday arfnoon. You can all ave a copy for a fiver. For a tenner you can see me avin a wash at the sink! Rich soide un poor soide! Come raynd we're allus on the poor soide. What as the world come to?


Un that Gaz un all. Gord knows what air Tracey sees in im.Ee come raynd the other day wi is Beckham mohican airstoile, wi earings loike big gold boike wheels and this new man utd top. I tell you n'all ee smelled loike a tarts windabox. Oi reckon ee'd blow away if there wus a stiff breeze on. Ee told me ee paid £60 for his nylon football shirt. That'll be an expensive cleaning clorth next year! Darft wazzock.


Thas another thing un'all. What in evans name are them Koogar shirts what the club are got fur next season. There aving a larf aint they? They aint gonna sell none of them dayglo things to the loikes o me. If this is progress then they can keep it, if I wus gonna buy a new shirt oi think oil ave one of them classic shirts, now that's what a rugby shirt shud look loike.


Roight well doing this as got me all in a tiz so oim orf dayne the outdoor beer 'ouse to get sum larrupp.

Gew on yew Saynts
Bert