By The Bard
April 13 2007

I can sense a that a good few fingernails will be a fair bit shorter by the end of the weekend- the pressure is now building up on us to secure our play-off place, and quite how the players will react after having it in their grasp at Wasps will tell us just how good a leader Alan Gaffney is. Quins, on the other hand, are simply able to assume the role of would-be part-poopers, unless peace breaks out in the Heineken Cup fiasco over the next few days. Some Gene Hunt style diplomacy is urgently required to knock some sense into everyone involved.

One thing we can be almost certain about is that the weather will be different from the game at the Stoop just before Christmas, when you could hardly see through the freezing fog. A blistering start from the Men in Black and White (and red) yielded two early tries, but we failed to finish the game off (doesn’t all this sound familiar) and we were thankful for a superb late score from Brucie to seal the win.

Remember the last time we played Quins at home? It was Boxing Day 2004, freezing cold and we had Richard Haughton to thank for a late try that salvaged an 8-8 draw in what was considered to be a pretty poor match. For me it was made somewhat better by being picked out by the camera before the game and winning a case of beer, and better still my brother had come along too and was conned into carrying it back to the car for me.

That was generally the exception in Sarries v Quins fixtures- I’m sure we all remember the Christmas holiday game in 2001 which was preceded by the inaugural ‘boat-race’ between the Fez Boys and the Diamond Geezers, and Tim Horan’s first minute try that set up an emphatic victory in otherwise troubled times.
The performance in April 2000 was better still, with nearly 50 points on the board at half-time thanks in part to a magnificent try by Rob Thirlby, who ran back a clearance kick from full-back with his party-piece chip over a defender and catching on the full.

This was the climax of a golden mini-era where we scored over 50 points in three games out of four- but we’d still been hammered at Wasps a few weeks before that!
With only two rounds to go, Glen Jackson is now looking a racing cert to come out on top. Am I referring to being top points scorer? No, I’m talking about missing more conversions than anyone else (13). For some reason the vast majority of these misses have been away from home- perhaps the ‘positive vibes’ are stronger at Vicarage Road? Not only that, he is also third on the list of stray passes with 25. But in the words of General Melchett, the crowning turd in the water pipe is the missed tackles chart, where he is out on his own with 35, 10 in front of his nearest challenger (or should that be non-challenger?) So is he the biggest liability in the league? Of course he isn’t; he’s had a fantastic season, but it shows what can be achieved with a lack of knowledge and a few statistics!

One player who might qualify for that award is Ben Woods of Newcastle, who in only 16 appearances leads the ‘most penalties conceded’ table with 24, and the most yellow cards with 4. The contest for second place in the penalties conceded table looks like going all the way, with Kevin Yates and Paul Volley almost neck-and-neck going into the final straight. It will be interesting to see who attracts the referee’s attention the most on Sunday. Not surprisingly we are second in the penalties conceded table, behind those far from Saintly ne’er do wells from Northampton, but strange to note we are second from bottom on yellow cards. Perhaps the Force 10 Paddington stare from Simon whenever a ref reaches towards his pocket does the trick.

Quins have certainly shown this season that relegation does not equal death (Woodford Dave will raise his glass to that one), but after losing their first 5 league games they must have dreaded an instant return to Division 1. A couple of victories in the European Challenge Cup raised their confidence, and since then they have been very competitive in the league and could still finish 6th.
They have been pretty decent on the road with victories at Saints, Wuss and Falcons (alright, near enough the bottom three) and have actually scored more tries away than at home.

Quins can certainly claim to have produced one of the success stories of the season- I doubt even David Strettle’s mum would have expected him to slot into international rugby so comfortably, and look England’s best player in the 6-Nations according to many scribes. Adrian Jarvis and Mike Brown have also had very encouraging seasons and look like being major forces in years to come. On the other hand, until Saturday against London Irish some of Quins bigger names have failed to shine. Abbott and Luscombe in the centres have been about as useful as Abbott and Costello, while Andrew Merthens had made virtually no impact although as we’ve learnt, New Zealand Fly-halves take a while to settle!

Team wise Kamelli’s hamstring has not recovered in time, but at least in Thomas de Vedia we have a player who finds his way to the white line almost as quickly as Pete Docherty on a night out, but he will, once again, start on the bench while Rodd Penney moves to the wing to cover the absent Fijian. It’s anyone’s guess what has become of Ben Johnston or Tevita Vaikona.

In the pie-eating fraternity we will be half-pleased as Cencus makes it, but Cobus still recovers from his dislocated elbow, because the front five is surely a area where we will be looking to gain the ascendancy, despite the Quins pack regularly punching above their weight.

It looks like the sun will shine and there will be a bumper crowd, so all we need is a performance to match. Not much to ask is it?