Harlequins
Quins lose baggage on Ryan Air
By gregory p
March 21 2016
Welcome to the roller coaster that is Quins: one week it’s the most exciting game of the season with a five point try fest against Bath; the next, we’re seen off by a well organised, muscular but unspectacular Worcester side who took their chances to win 15-21. Quins were as flat as five day old lager and half as palatable. I’ve seen more spite in a cat fight in the ladies loo at the Fez Club in Putney. Flat? It was the Netherlands of rugby. You didn’t fancy a shot at the top four then lads?
Credit to the seventy minute men from the West Midlands, they put in an 80 minute show that netted them four points but the longer the game went on the less likely Quins looked to cross the white wash. At one point I saw people pic-nicing in the Worcester half (Cath Kidston blankets of course).
Maybe Ryan had taken a trick from the airline: we’re playing at Twickenham lads, a big game. It turns out to be the smaller venue some way from where you really want to go, but they didn’t let it bother them and, frankly, they never looked like losing. Ryan has picked up some good signings on the quiet and – give or take the odd rant about refs – has got the team now heading in the right direction. He’s making a pair of fives play like a flush, I reckon. He’s also one of the scariest looking men on the planet and is in my top ten list of people never to upset. In fact he went up a couple of places when Pol Pot died.
Ranting aside, Worcester kicked off with – as so often seems to be the case this season – the benefit of a north to south wind behind them. Quins looked vaguely lively with Charlie Walker running the ball back at Worcs and lots of pretty stuff from the backs – otherwise known as “The Under-15s”. We picked up a penalty for Worcs off-side and Ben Botica in his unfussy way (Dan Biggar are you reading?) made it 3-0 with only minutes gone. From the restart – and we got nothing out of the restarts all afternoon – we indulged in one of our favourite games: fannying about in our own 22 when it needs some serious size 12 boot applying to the ball. The upshot was a scrum penalty to Worcester – even though they were going backtraking as quickly as the budget on disability allowances – and Tom Heathcote levelled at 3 each on 7 minutes. We didn’t learn and not much later following more farting about in our 22 Lambert got done for holding on and Heathcote slotted the kick to make it 3-6 at 13 minutes in. Immediately from the restart Worcester were pinged for not releasing and Ben B did his stuff to make it 6 all. Anything you can do, I can do better.
Cue much shouting of “Come on you Quins” as at this point we were hoping someone could at least find the blue touch paper if not light it? No chance…..from a poor Botica clearance kick (and credit, we were at least trying to get the ball away from our red zone) Worcs ran it back at us – Pennell was not shy to chance his arm all afternoon. It led to Charlie Walker pulling off a good cover tackle but Worcester were patient and recycled again and again. Worcester found numbers aplenty on the west stand side with Harry Sloan and Ross Chisholm falling off tackles like the Invisible Man and Lord Lucan. Wynand Olivier, the Warriors’ centre, said thanks very much and touched down – it was like watching the Vets play semi-contact on training night. Heathcote couldn’t add the extras and it was 6-11 with 21 minutes on the clock.
We then had a slightly surreal passage of play after that. From a good restart, for once, Charlie Walker was penalised, seemingly for a stray elbow when all around me saw a Worcester punch. The touch judge, a distant relative of Cyclops apparently, saw nothing wrong. Francois Hougaard appeared to have a better grip of the game than Mr Maxwell-Keys and showed that his time at the Big Lol school of “reffing-whilst-playing” was krugerrands well spent. In truth Hougaard had a good afternoon and kept Worcester ticking very well and was in the ref’s ear all day. He gargles Listerine at half time instead of having half an orange.
That said, Ross Chisholm was able to run the ball back at Worcester and linked with Matt Luamanu who promptly gave the first of several Quins passes to our old mate, Harvey the Invisible Winger. Even Luamanu, Mr Stonehenge on Legs, struggled to impose himself on a Worcester side that didn’t miss many tackles. This was then followed by two of the un-straightest line out throws I ever seen – one apiece so don’t knock the ref – and it was starting to look like Rugby League out there but with fewer (not less!!!!!) tattoos. Quins did in the end recycle from a Worcester attack and Cheeseman – who’d not long before slipped a pass to Harvey as well – made great ground on the west side but found himself being bundled into touch. He flipped it back into play – blindly – and the human Scrabble bonanza Gerrit-Jan Van Velze picked up the loose ball and sprinted 40 or so metres to touch down wide out. Quins just stood there with WTF written over their faces. The touch judge, yes our mate Cyclops, had raised his flag (and put it down very quickly, waving play on) and time then stood still for Quins cover. Play the whistle!!!! The replays inevitably showed that Cheeseman was nearer Staines than being in play and we howled our outrage. At the very least it was worth a look by the ref, but unusually for a teenager, he had no idea how to use the video equipment and no children of his own to show him how. Heathcote applied salt to the wounds and nailed a difficult conversion and 6-18 it was with 29 minutes gone. The touch judge was roundly booed after that: on the bright side he’s a shoo-in for Panto run at Margate next Christmas. And frankly that was about it for excitement.
Sure, we huffed and puffed, but we didn’t look like blowing the house down. As the first half wore on it was punctuated by a massive hit from Luamanu (the only sort he dishes out, really); Sinckler showing us his power assisted hand off; and Lambert showing well in the ball carrying stakes – he’s had a good season with ball in hand. The pressure led to a kick in front of the Worcester posts and Ben Botica made it 9-18.
Quins have made a habit of starting second halves well this season and the prospect of some assistance from a cold wind made the more deluded among us, me then, optimistic for the restart. My spectating companion, a Worcester fan, reassured me that all we had to do was stay in touch until 70 minutes…..and for a moment I actually believed a ginger lawyer? More fool me.
In truth we did start with a bit more zip to us, but every time we threatened an unforced error gave away field position. Bot pushed a penalty wide too which added to the foreboding. On 47 minutes Worcester carved us open down the middle and it took what looked like a knock on almost on the line for Worcester to do themself out of another five pointer. We struggled to get out of our half but finally with 50 minutes gone we at last picked up a turnover from Wallace. Maybe we’ve been spoiled this season with our brace of Surrey Terriers, Wallace and Ward, but we struggled to turn over a pancake all afternoon. From the steal Chisholm finally found some clear blue water and hit his stride with a man outside him. He threw out a text book pass: regrettably the text book was “Crown Green Bowls Made Easy” as the pass went forward and along the ground – even Harvey was struggling to get to it. At this point we swapped Cheeseman for Olly Lindsay Hague – it was reassuring to see the lay off hadn’t bred the kangaroo out of him. He hopped, skipped and jumped but generally got flattened by Bryce Heem. Heem carried well all afternoon and regularly made holes in the quarters’ half.
From then on we were treated to a bit of a tasting menu without ever getting sight of a main course. Charlie Walker recovered remarkably well from a Minty pass in our own 22 that had St George’s Hospital Tooting written all over. Dicko tapped and went and caused some momentary panic in the Worcester cover. Weren’t they meant to be 10 metres away, Sir? Charlie Walker – probably our man of the match – brilliantly chased back an interception. That boy leaves scorch marks on the turf he’s so quick. It’s Road Runner against Wile-e-Coyote if he get the room: regrettably he didn’t get the room today. Skippy found some space to take us into the Worcester half and upset the squatters that had moved in. OLH and Charlie Walker scragged Tom Biggs –and may he rot in hell for that pony tail – after he’d been given a bit of a run in space. It was like watching a fight in a boy band.
At 66 minutes we did the Prop-Swap routine and Evans replaced Sinckler. We immediately won a scrum penalty – I felt we had the upper hand in the set and the ref could have been less forgiving to Worcester. Botica nailed a very difficult kick to make it 12-18 – was the start of the choke then? No, was the answer as Worcester devoured another restart and made massive ground into the Quins half. The pressure on Quins continued and from a dodgy clearance kick Worcester ran it back at us. It produced an attacking line out for the light blues and a consequent penalty from the maul. Heathcote – who has had the yipps when it comes to the business end of games – made it 12-21 without any discomfort and only 8 minutes left to play.
Worcester did then decide that Dean Ryan’s blood pressure needed a leg up and donated a not releasing penalty to us. BB had no hesitation in calling for the tee – and let’s face it if Horwill tells you to do something you bleedin’ well do it, don’t you – and he knocked over the bonus point score with 7 minutes left to play.
Could we do it? Would Worcester blow up? No……the only thing blowing up was the ref’s whistle as we got camped in our half and Worcester played up your jumper for four minutes. Ultimately Worcester took a JCB to one of our scrums - maybe the ref knew what he as doing earlier after all? – and we were done for not releasing. Heathcote stepped up to chalk off our bonus point but……with the crowd leaving quicker than Aberdeen emptying on Sport Relief Day he put it wide. Finally a Quins knock on allowed us to knock off at 15-21. A delighted Warriors travelling group were treated to a bumper crop of hand shakes from a squad who know that a win against Irish next week will allow them the afternoon off for trip to Thomas Cook. Well done Worcester and Quins, where were you? At an airport somewhere in East Germany wondering when the coach to Munich arrives?
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Stumbleupon21/03/2016 12:17
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Actually smiled reading that, and that's far more than I did on Saturday
I was impressed by the Worcester fans, the noisiest visitors this season,I thought.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2016:03:21:14:30:42 by rdc.
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to bleat about it all over the internet"
Du skal ikke tro at du er bedre end os!
Ever considered a guest appearance on Just a Minute?
Quote:Collin Osborne
It was more than a tough result, what is difficult to take is the lack of performance....It’s really disappointing....We have a hugely important fixture against Northampton Saints on Sunday and our international contingent will be available for selection.
No rest then...
Quote:schneiderlein
Brilliantly written and at least 99% factually accurate! I annoyed the wife by laughing out loud whilst reading that!
Depends how you define "better" I guess.
Quote:J6/7
You should submit your litery efforts to all of the Rugby magazines... one of them would be interested, a beautiful blend of humour, irony and truth, could be a HIT.
Hear hear!
You never know, you might get free rugby tickets and some expenses for your troubles, or even proper payment!
DOK - you'll be hearing from my agent.
