By Jason the Orangutan
May 4 2004

OR Ref Doesn’t Know Arse From Elbow Or Hand From Face OR Dan Luger Factor:- Quins’ 16th Man Is Home Crowd OR Wot, No Ben? OR Stoop Sunshine Soaks Up Bath OR No Ugo or George Makes It Harder To Win A Game of Two Halves OR Evs Seen Smiling 3 Times in 8 Days!

 
OR - Stuffed Monkey Writes Match Report (“Anyone can do it.” claims Jason OU)  This was to be Quins’ last home premiership fixture of the season and Barbara had offered to do the match report. Anything to get the chance to watch Evs bat against the press!

She was gutted to see no mention of “female fans’ favourite” Ben Willis on the team list, he wasn’t even on the bench! A cunning plan started to form in her warped mind. How many times could she include his name in the match report? Would CAW readers be nauseated by the idea? [That’s four times so far, in case you’ve not be(e)n counting!]

Well, as I’m sure you all know, we won and Barbara was so overwhelmed (probably because she failed to bring along the now customary bottle of champagne to celebrate) and has such a bad hangover, that this morning she is totally incapable of writing her own name, let alone a match report superb enough to satisfy you discerning CAW readers.

So today you become the first beneficiaries of a match report written by Quins Official Supporter, Jason the Orang Utan:-

Sunday May the 2nd 2004 will go down in Quins fans’ memory as one of the most thrilling matches ever seen, a benchmark second-half performance! The sun shone down on a packed Stoop, on one of the hottest days of the year so far. The news, that George Harder and Ugo Monye were unfit to play, spread around the ground like wildfire. Simon Keogh would start on one wing with Matt Moore on the other and Scott Bemand was starting at no 9. Did that mean Mr Willis would be on the bench after all? NO!

Bemand on form (Robshew)

Billy D led the team onto the pitch with his children as mascots to a huge roar of approval from the fans. (Barbara blubbed a bit!)

As usual, people were still taking their seats in the East Stand some 5 minutes into the game, when referee Dave Pearson gave a penalty try to Bath for “a deliberate knock down by Matt Moore” who was offside along with Mel Deane. No-one is arguing that they were both offside but the ball hit Matty’s head, as pointed out by Sky later. If we’d have lost the game I’d probably still be moaning about it, but “WE WON!!” so I’m prepared to give the benighted Mr Pearson the benefit of the doubt and I’m sure F150 will be only too happy to give him the specs which were left at the Sportsground in Galway, for future matches!

Evans - Robshew

Bath played magnificently during the first half and it was the boot of Paul Burke that left us with some hope as we came off at half time with the score 9-22. At one time, the game would have been all over, as the Quins players looked tired out after their last two encounters on Sunday and Tuesday, but this Quins team, under the leadership of Captain Fantastic, Andre Vos, is not as benign as some opposition teams and fans think!

There had been a suggestion that the 2nds team would parade their cup at half time but this was deemed impossible as so many of them were playing! This was evident throughout the second half when the Quins team played some magnificent rugby very reminiscent of so many Quins 2nd team matches this season. The “Curse of Barnes” came down on Paul Burke who unfortunately missed 3 attempts at goal (definitely something wrong with him as he would normally have kicked all three with his hands tied behind his back, blindfolded and having been spun around for ten minutes.) (Groin injury and quads trouble apparently.)

Burke on his quads (Andy Hancock)

There were some 74 minutes on the clock (not that we can see the clock at all now, from our seats in the East stand) when Andy Dunne bent the ball through the posts after Andy Beattie was ordered off and the score was 18-22.

Yellow (Robshew)

The noise from the Quins fans was by now absolutely incredible. The last time the atmosphere was so oppressive to the opposition team was the relegation match against Leeds two years ago. The support of the fans must be beneficial to the team and the last ten minutes (specifically targeted by Evs) was mind blowing.

With 85 minutes on the clock Dave Pearson decided there was just enough time for one last attack (perhaps he’s not so bad after all). James Hayter threw one last lineout, (I so respect his courage and endurance) which was taken by Simon Miall,

Hayter (Andy Hancock)

Vossy used pure power to drive forwards, and Simon Keogh’s weight training paid off as he crossed the line. The Stoop went mad as house-mate Andy Dunne converted the try to keep Quins in fifth place in the league with a final score of 25-22! Evs’ smile escaped beneath his covering hand and his benevolent grin stayed in place throughout the press conference.

Relief (Andy Hancock)

MUST MENTION:

• The support from the crowd. We need to display that amount of energy and noise at EVERY home game. Make the oppo play against 6015 men at The Stoop!
• NGA’s comment when two Bath fans arrived late to sit in our row, “We always kick-off at three you know!” Barbara reminded him that as it was only ten past two they were 50 minutes early for a match at The Stoop and 5 minutes early for a match at The Rec!
• BatQuin telling off Karl for getting in her way at least twice during the match.
• Watching the Sky highlights and recognising so many individual fan’s voices.
• Having my photo taken with our beloved Benelux representative and Pat (we are really going to miss you, Pat and you’re a much better player than your brother!) Sanderson.
• Barbara asking “Cherry” Jones to say something nice into her tape recorder and him saying, “Something Nice.”
• Our pitch! Well done Farmer Chris. I’m sure the state of the pitch had an effect on the Bath players during the second half, they’re really not used to all that grass and the complete lack of benthos (look it up!) beneath them must be a totally alien sub-environment.
• Barbara’s restraint (not shown by many other Ben Willis fans) when he explained he was unable to play because of a groin injury!!!!

THE PRESS CONFERENCE

John Connolly was very downbeat, said they’d allowed way too many penalties and stopped playing during the second half. (He talks incredibly quietly and Barbara’s recorder hardly picked up more than a word or so.) Enter Evs and Scotty, both smiling broadly and ready for a bit of banter with the press:-

I was going to put up my paw to ask a question myself but did not want to incur the wrath of my esteemed colleagues or embarrass Mr Evans who is always remarkably tolerant of me!

ME said the boys were physically flat after Sunday’s game and training had been very light and that he’d had sent the boys home on Wednesday. They had no pace and were ponderous. We were also short on the power front.

When asked about his half time talk, Evs said it is a natural human thing to hang on and defend a lead like that and he told the boys to just keep chipping away. Bath had so much depending on this match. The way you play the last ten minutes is crucial and “you can criticise this outfit for a lot of things but, Christ they’ve got spirit!” “We played the last 10 minutes ever so well. I thought we played the last 10 minutes fantastic. The last play off the line out was one of the best bits of rugby we’d played all year, we made good decisions, showed composure....”

A question about how often Simon Keogh had played on the wing brought a reply which included, “Can’t get Ugo and George to play on the same pitch.”

Evs is a big Mike Catt fan and was pleased he was not starting against us. When asked whether we would be after him his reply was typical Evs:- “He’s a little rich for this humble little club we’re running here....”

Would Jason be fit to play next week? Evs replied that he might stand a chance but had suffered a knock-back this week... “Foot injuries do my head in!” He is hoping to have a full squad (except Ace and Roy of course) to choose from for the (hopefully 3 possibly 4) remaining matches of this season.

 

Let’s make sure that the “Spirit of The Stoop,” as displayed by the fans and players alike yesterday, is seen and most certainly HEARD at these last few fixtures. You’ll have all summer for your voices to recover and with Heineken Cup matches to look forward to, I’m sure they’ll soon be back at full throttle!

So, how many “Ben”s are there in this report? Answers on the message board please. Prize likely!

Billy (Robshew)