By Ian B
March 11 2003

My old mate Ebenezer Scroomage has been visited by the ghost of rugby future and he has seen " what may come to pass...laterally or backwards, in the field of play". He was given a glimpse of the end of the season of Good Will {Carling}, and verily, the rugby year of 2003 will end in turmoil, shock, horror and confusion.. so no change there then!

In an effort to make things even more interesting, Brizzle, who finished bottom, were spared the trauma of being relegated when the RFU intervened at the eleventh hour with the introduction of a Special Relegation Selection Formula. All teams were listed in alphabetical order, followed by a complex round elimination by "one potato, two potato, three potato, four..." which continued until one team was left...sorry Waspies, but it was fair... Honest!

Using the same system the Six Nations Champions turned out to be rank outsiders Wales.

ZP Champions: Leeds. In the days leading up to the final, and during a rash moment of forgetfulness, Glos left details of their game plan in a chip shop near their rugby training camp in the village of Great Throbbing On The Wold. These secret plans were then passed on to Leeds Tykes by an ex-pat Yorkshire taxi driver who was on holiday from his winter job in Dublin ... the rest, as they say, is history.

Dit-dit-di-di-di-dit-dit Other news just in:

Rodrigo Roncero adopted a new nickname: Madame Leggerts, after a French hooker of the same name {ohh-la-laaa}

Matt "Flapper" Dawson actually managed to get airborne during a severe flap in the Saintanist's last game of the season against Leeds which saw the Tykes win by 46-6. Referee Ned Flanders had to red card Daws' for breaking the new law about "...hovering with intent above the field of play, or any part therein..." (see new RFU Rule 1,442,683)

To try to "improve the flow of the game", both Budge Poutney and Martin Johnson were ordered by the RFU to sit out the first ten minutes of every game and get their compulsory sin-binning out of the way before the game even starts.

Shock revelations of 2003 - Stuart Barnes found to be the love child of Captain Pugwash and an unnamed fish-wife from Hull!!! But we all suspected this anyway.

World Champions 2003 - USA. President Bush decided that it was far to dangerous for American citizens and sportsmen to travel to Australia, which as we all know, is perilously close to Iraq. In a surprise move the Yanks held their own Official Rugby World Series in Disneyland, Florida. All other games in the other world cup were vetoed by the Americans so the USA won by default.

RFU Rules and Regulations.....

In an effort to simplify the rules of rugby, the RFU took the unprecedented step of re-writing the entire rule book one evening over g&t's all 'round. Here is a small selection of the result of their cogitations.

Rule 1
No rule shall:
i. contain or consist of, or have therein no more than
ii. {subparagraph (i)} one paragraph or
iii. {subsection (ii)} one subsection or
iv. {sub-subsection (iii)} one subheading or
v. {sub sub subsection (iv)} multiple parts or conflicting phrases thereof
......errr......except this one.

Rule 2
No rule shall contain therein more "therein"s, "herein"s, "where upon"s, "where for art thou Romeo"s or "party of the first part"s than shall be required by the Law's herein to make that Law thoroughly impractical and indecipherable, where upon ........

Rule 36
All scrums shall be uncontested. A scrum shall consist of not more than 5 players from each team and shall, and where upon required to do so, take the formation described in Rule 427 (B) subsection (ii) sub paragraph 112. Opposing players shall ever-so-gently engage, and after the scrum has finished shall thank their opposite number and invite them for tea, biscuits and gin and tonic after the game.

Rule 97
All line outs shall be uncontested. A line out shall consist of not more than 1 player from each team and shall, and where upon required to do so, take the formation described in Rule 8,427 (R) subsection (xxi) sub paragraph 19.

Rule 628
In place of the old scoring regime wherein 5 points were awarded for a try and 2 points for the successful conversion, from the beginning of the 2004 season a try will be worth 6 points and the conversion 1 point, thus enabling the scoring team to score 7 new ever so exciting points as opposed to the boring old 7 points.

Rule 633,458
In the interest of consistency herein and therefore in an effort to help the game flow, a game shall be deemed to consist thusly of two halves, each half lasting precisely 46 minutes and 18 seconds. No extra time, injury time or time added on because the referee, in the interest of fair play, wants the losing team to score a last minute try to win the game in the dying seconds just to annoy the side that is winning or until he gets bored and yearns for a hot drink, shall be played...... therein.

In an effort to increase the viewing figures new rules were introduced:
* Each team shall have six tackles to make 10 metres, or lose possession of the ball,
* Each team shall consist of 44 players and shall contain one defensive squad and one offensive squad {make up your own jokes},
* All players are to wear crash helmets with face guards, up to 300mm of padding on their shoulders and go around shouting "hut-hut-hut" for no apparent reason.

So, there we have it. This is what the 2003 season has in store or us all.
That is, unless we change our ways .........herein.