By Major Bloodnok
July 18 2004

Welcome to episode 1 of Riggersside, a new soap opera based on the ordinary lives of simple rugby folk as they strive to support Sale Sharks through all the travails, misunderstandings and general hokum that life can throw at them. The scene: the interior of "The Olde Dorsal Fin" pub. The bar contains numerous pumps dispensing ales with strange-sounding names. On the wall behind hangs a large, red-and-black flag. Serving is Angel, owner and currently sole employee. We can just see her eyes over the top of the bar. In one corner sit iBozz and Bedazzled, engaged in an animated conversation. Bedazzled nurses a pint of Guinness, whilst iBozz sips at something vaguely green. We can hear faint snatches of their conversation...

DAZZ: ...can't understand who would do such a thing.
IBOZZ: A music lover, perhaps?
(Bedazzled puts on a hurt look)
(Enter Maj. Bloodnok)

ANGEL: Mornin' Major. The usual?
MAJ B: What, here? Oh. I see. Yes, please, Angel, m'dear.
(Angel pulls a pint for him and the Major wanders over towards iBozz and Bedazzled)

MAJ B: Morning, chaps. Why the glum look, Bedazzled?
IBOZZ: Someone has been playing his drum without permission.... and with a sharp object.
MAJ B: (Sitting down) You mean...
DAZZ: Yes, it's ruined!
MAJ B: What sort of cad and bounder would do such a thing?
(iBozz and the Major share a furtive look...)

(Enter sue_b. She is dressed in a camoflage jacket. On a small badge we can see an echo of the flag behind the bar. Angel and sue_b look at each other across the bar towels.)

ANGEL: Mornin' Sooby. They're in the Snug.
SUE_B: Morning, Angel. I'll have a glass of wine before I go through - lightly mulled, please.
ANGEL: Coming up. (Pours wine. Sue_b takes wine and exits through to the snug.)

(Enter three interchangeable Riggers's. They are all dressed in identical shell suits with identical curly blond wigs.)

RIGG: Aaaaaright, air Ainje?
RIGG: Aaaaaaaaaright, air Ainje?
RIGG: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaright, air Ainje?
ANGEL: (long-suffering) Good morning, what can I get for you today?
RIGG: A pint of laaaaaager, please, air Ainje.
RIGG: A pint of laaaaaaaaager, please, air Ainje.
RIGG: A cider and blackcurrant, please, air Ainje.
RIGG: A wha'? That's a poofy drink, tharris.
RIGG: Are you suggestin' I'm a poof?
RIGG: Wharrif I am, eh?
RIGG: Eh, eh, eh, caaaaaarm, down now, you two.
(They all wander over to an empty table, bickering)

(Enter CE. She exudes an air of authority and control. There is a rolling pin just visible in her handbag. She wears a badge similar to that worn by sue_b. And, like sue_b before, she locks eyes with Angel across the puddles on the bar.)

ANGEL: Morning, CE. They're in the snug, all of 'em. Just waiting for you. Can I get you anything before we start?
CE: A G and T, Angel. More G than T, if you take my meaning...
(Angel pours a large G&T, which CE takes and then goes through to the snug.)

ANGEL: (to Bedazzled, iBozz and the Major) I have to go and, err..... serve..... in the snug for a while. Major, would you be so good as to look after the bar for me?
MAJ B: (Enthusiastically) Why, certainly, m'dear. Leave it to me. (Gets up and stands behind the bar. Bedazzled and iBozz move over to bar stools to continue their conversation.)

(Angel leaves for the snug. Maj B immediately pours more drinks for the three of them. Enter Inspector Morse, followed closely by Lewis.)
MAJ B: Ah, Morse, what can I get you?
MORSE: A pint of Old Stoatstranglers, please, and Lewis will probably have some sort of pansy drink, like lager.
MAJ B: So, what brings you here, Morse?
MORSE: I'm investigating the case of Bedazzled's drum. (The Major and iBozz share another furtive look.)
IBOZZ: Are you... errrm... making any progress?
MORSE: No, it's frustrating...
DAZZ: Not enough clues?
MORSE: Too many suspects....
DAZZ: (hurt.) It must be someone who hates the Sharks. After all the drum has a 100% record in games where Sale have scored more than the opposition...
MORSE: I know, but every lead takes me down a blind alley. I'm so distracted by this, that I'm even having trouble doing this morning's crossword. Look at this: 3 down - "Simple wisdom partly off the coast of Scotland (5)". I can't get it. What do you think the answer is, Lewis? (Lewis shrugs.)

(Theme music up.)

Who did for Bedazzled's drum? What mysteries await in the Snug bar? Why is this soap named after apparently minor characters? Tune in next time for episode two of Riggersside: A simple tale of rugby folk.